Just a cocktail that will send me to heaven 19.6.2012

It was a rough weekend for Vic.  Although we had a house full of loving visitors she was in so much agony.

Vic is experiencing severe intestinal cramping.  Again her abdomen is very distended and quite hard to the touch.  She is also nauseous.  I know these are all signs of an obstruction but I know it isn’t an obstruction.  Maybe a partial obstruction at worse.

Vic is on a strict pain control regime.  Every four hours she has pain medication in one or other form.   She has to eat to be able to take the medication as she already has a vicious ulcer.  I asked her what she felt like eating for lunch and she replied “Just a cocktail that will send me to heaven”.  This is not the first time that Vic has said this…

Conceding defeat… Wanting to die…

Vic has also gone through a mourning and grieving process.  Every bit of independence that she has ever known is lost to her.  Most things that Vic has ever loved doing, eating, drinking is a long-gone memory.  Things that she took for granted are now an event.  In her state of dependence Vic has become a soft, gentle sick person whose life consists of saying “thank you” and ” Mommy, I am not feeling well at all”  Even as a child Vic would listen to the news every morning when she woke up.  Now she is no longer even aware of what day of the week it is.

Vic loved being a Mommy.  She loved caring for her boys.  She always tried to tuck them into bed at night.  My Dad always said that if Vic had one breath of air she would organize a party…

I keep asking the question “when will it end?”  It is so difficult for Vic to die that I should maybe be asking “How is she going to cope with this level of quality of life for many more months or even years?”  Maybe the question should be “How will she die?”  Will she develop pneumonia from immobility of will she develop a fully fledged obstruction?  Maybe her brave heart will give up the battle?   If there is a God of Mercy Vic will go to sleep and not wake up.

I know that whilst there is one breath of air left in her little longs we will care for her and fight for her to continue breathing.  Vic is long past the stage of living.  She merely breathes.

Jared and Jon-Daniel 12.10.2011