“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die. I am motivated by nothing yet I move on. I have nothing but I have everything. I just don’t want to understand.“
Muriel posted this message on Vic’s Facebook page. Today it echo’s my feelings. I am so tired of living. I am so tired of this miserable existence that we call life. Surely, there must be more to life than breathing!
Today was a day out of hell. I had to leave home early this morning as we were testing some systems that are critical to a contract that we are negotiating. I got up with great difficulty, showered, and made Kreemy Meal for my family. Both Jared and Vic need soft foods. I left on time with strict instructions for Danie as to where and when to collect Vic’s morphine syrup from the Pain Clinic.
Within 5 minutes, I was stuck in terrible traffic. Five lanes reduced to two…
Once we reached the test site, the subsystem manufacturers arrived 2.5 hours late!! I phoned Vic to check on her only to be told that she had gotten ill all over herself! She had to bath and I was not home to help her! I told her to take anti-nausea tablets, lie down for 15 minutes, and take morphine tablets again. Once she felt better, she would have to ask Primrose, the helper, to help her bathe. I could not leave the test site.
Danie phoned to tell me – “No Morphine Syrup – come back next week”. Some good news was that Esther came to visit and helped Vic bath. That girl is an absolute saint! Esther also took Jon-Daniel to the movies. I am so grateful that he could get out of the house of gloom and illness.
Then the system failed… The shipment would be delayed by at least another 5 weeks!
Another traffic jam to my next meeting…
An hour and a half later, I left the meeting for home and was stuck in the 17:00 peak hour traffic! A 20-minute trip became a 1.5-hour trip! Arghhhhhh
At home, I quickly prepared dinner. Vic has to have dinner by 18:30 as she must take her medication at 19:00. In my haste I forgot poor Jared is only allowed pureed food so I started cooking (a second meal) some gem squash, potatoes, and carrots for him. I put it through the strainer and rushed off to his room with a tray and his pureed food. I do not know what I did but the next thing pureed vegetables and broken Noritake was all over the floor! I just burst into tears.
I cannot believe that something that I would normally laugh off as an accident set me off. Poor Jared had to eat soup for dinner. He is so tired of soup!
Well today, I am fed-up with life. I am tired to the core of my soul. I do not want to hear that I am doing a great job or that I am strong. I do not want to hear anything! All I want is ONE carefree day in my life!! One day with absolutely NO responsibilities.
Oh dear God, the boys offered to do their Mom’s tablets tonight so I can have a full night’s sleep…What am I doing with my pity party? I have Vic in tears because she is feeling guilty because of the stress her illness has caused me, the boys feel guilty because I am tired and Danie wants to take me away for a weekend so I can rest and relax…How can I ever relax whilst my child is so ill. I do know I cannot afford to cry. It distresses everyone around me.
I need a stronger anti-depressant.
I am going to bed. I am going to feel sorry for myself in the privacy of my room where I cannot cause more stress in my family’s lives. Life is already so hard for them. Tomorrow is another day and we will face whatever life throws at us!
“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die. I am motivated by nothing yet I move on. I have nothing but I have everything. I just don’t want to understand.“
Vic's Final Journey 
Deat Tertia, Do not be so hard on yourself. You have so much on your shoulders, you are allowed to have emotions, you are allowed to get irritated, What you need is a good, well derserved mental rest where you stop trying to work things out yourself …… A long much-needed look at the beautiful creations, topped off with some quality time with a friend. And trusting someone to assist with Vic for 2 days a month. She does not want to feel that she is the cause of you being house bound. Read Matthew 11:28-30. XXXXX
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I think my friend must come and visit me. Love you lots!
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I actually marked Matt 11: 28-30 in my Bible on 20.7.2007
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My dear friend,
Who has the guts to stand in your shoes, probably not one. It is a very touch and lonely journey. A mystery that only God has answers to.
I agree with the Gillian that you are too hard on yourself. You had a very very challenging day! You are human! You are a loving, concerned mother caring for a very sick child. An extraordinary woman having to cope with so much. My heart goes out to you.
We can love you and pray for you and ask God for mercy and strength.
Also read 2 Cor 12:9,10
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Thank you Christell. Both you and Gillian are such loyal friends xxx
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Dear Tersia
I have been following your journey now for some time and my heart goes out to you and your family. It is NOT EASY to care for somebody that is terminally ill. It makes it even more difficult if that person is your child.
I would like to share something with you though. It is vitally important that you take care of yourself in this tiring time. Please accept all the help from family and friends that’s been offered to you. This will give you some breathing space. It will also allow Vic to know that it is okay if Mom is just having a little bit of “me” time. Her energy is very powerful and she proved it to everybody up to now that she wants to survive. Allow all Angels and guides to assist you with the care that you and your family so much need right now. God allows you to call upon their assistance when you need them. When Jacob was struggling with a Angel he called the Angel Michael to assist him and Michael was there not only to help him, but also to guide him with whatever he was struggling with. There are many stories in the Bible and other scriptures about God’s Angels. What still amazes me is that God found it necessary to create Angels. HE knew that we and all other creatures would need assistance and comfort when we are lonely. It took me a long time to work this out. It was only after my mom passed away and I fell very ill that my awareness of these wonderful creations of God was awakened. Dear Tersia, know they are there, they are with you. You just need to ask for their guidance and assistance. Please know that Angels come in all forms. It might be your neighbour, your friend, nursing staff or maybe a presence! Nurture yourself. Get all the friends, family and help that you can now and trust people. They will be guided and equiped with the knowledge to help you now. You need to be taken care of now and so does your family.
Your friend
Louise xxx
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Dear Louise, My most sincere apologies. For one or other reason I did not see your comment. It is however heaven sent as I decided today to go to England for a week. I must take a break – I am at the end of my tether. No sooner had I made the decision or I started doubting my decision. I was on the verge of cancelling the trip when I saw your post. You are my angel sent today to guide me…. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
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My heart goes out to you as well! I cannot even fathom what you must be going through and the amazing amount of strength and perseverance you must maintain. No one should have to endure such pain as we do with our children blessings to you
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Thank you. Mothers do what mothers have to do!! But it is very hard!! I nominated you for the Beautiful Bloggers Award that I will be posting in about 30 minutes.
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I am touched, and so new to this blogging but can see the paramount affect that it can bring to those of us in need, and well as those of us we can touch…I was not only touched by your story but as well so glad we have a positive way to express our thoughts and share with others… Thank you
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Losing a child is never easy. God bless you and your family. My heart goes out to you.
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I only bookmark a handful of sites that I “need” to follow; sites that do more than convey information – sites that cause an necessary evolution of my own humanity. Your site is at the top of that short list. I have so much empathy for what your family endures on a day to day basis, so much so that there are times I can’t even read another paragraph because it physically hurts to watch you and your loved ones afflicted so.
I know there are times when you feel like giving up. That is more than understandable and you should not run from those feelings….these types of reactions actually keep you sane. But know this: in your darkest moments, when all else seems insurmountable, ….you are not alone, in spirit, in prayer, in thought. You need never edit your writing to mask this incredible pain. In sharing such a violent and honest summary of your families pain, you bring a sense of belonging to something bigger to all those people who are enduring similar challenges.
I can’t tell you why the unfairness of it continues. But I can witness that you have been a champion of love and a gladiator of emotional support. You make a difference in this fight…a big difference.
We….the people who experience this on vicariously through your written word…also have an obligation, one that I commit to and cherish…and that is to be here for you when you need us.
You are an inspiration to me.
Dennis
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Thank you for your support and kind words. I “teared” up reading your comment. Thank you Dennis.
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Indeed, all of us have to move on even when we are not motivated… Life goes on without us and it is up to us whether to move or stand still… And sometimes we do need to stand still and cry and wish the world will end.. and then sometimes we knew that it is not yet the end even when our heart says otherwise, we find strength to live from day to day. God’s grace is enough for each day… one day at a time. I am praying for you.
Thank you for liking my posts too!
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Thank you for visiting and your prayers. It is the one thing I am really battling with – praying…. Love your blog!
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I hope to read more of what happened to your daughter-thanks for sharing your grief-you feel like death would be better than living after the loss of your child-part of you DOES die. You are in my thoughts. I will read more, please stay in touch, beebeesworld
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As I will continue catching up on your blog. Part of me died with Vic. Hugs xxx
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