Mommy, I thought I had more time….

“You matter because of who you are. You matter to the last moment of your life, and we will do all we can , not only to help you die peacefully, but also to live until you die.”  –Dame Cicely Saunders

The Hospice doctor that called to see and evaluate Vic was a tall, slim young woman.  She has a gentle voice and long fingers with short nails.  She drives a Jeep and keeps large dogs.  She looks like a naturalist.

“I am Dr Sue Walters from Hospice.  The Pain Clinic asked us to see you.  Is it okay for me to examine you?” she asked Vic in her gentle voice.

Vic’s abdomen was severely distended and very tender.  She was running a fever and her resting heart rate of 103 indicating severe pain despite the fact that she had already taken her pain medication.  Vicky’s vitals were poor.

Sue administered a strong morphine injection.

“Vicky, you appear to have an abscess on the right-hand side of your abdomen.  The skin is hot to the touch and distended.  I think you have a partial obstruction.” Dr Sue said to Vic.

“I am here to see if Hospice can help you.  Do you realize that you are very ill my love?”  Dr Sue asked Vic.

“Hospice will not hasten your death my love.  It would be our aim and purpose to provide you with pain relief and quality of life.  We will treat you and not the disease.  It is exclusively your decision whether you want us to help you and how you want us to help you.”  She explained to Vic

Hospice is a philosophy of care. The hospice philosophy or viewpoint accepts death as the final stage of life. The goal of hospice is to help patients live their last days as alert and pain-free as possible. Hospice care tries to manage symptoms so that a person’s last days may be spent with dignity and quality, surrounded by their loved ones. Hospice affirms life and neither hastens nor postpones death. Hospice care treats the person rather than the disease; it focuses on quality rather than length of life. Hospice care is family-centered — it includes the patient and the family in making decisions. http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/FindingandPayingforTreatment/ChoosingYourTreatmentTeam/HospiceCare/hospice-care-what-is-hospice-care

Vic was in so much pain that she was barely able to speak.  Tears welled up in her eyes and she softly said “Please doctor”.

“My love, you need to tell us how you want us to treat your symptoms such as obstructions?” Dr Sue asked

“I want no life extending treatment.  I am so tired doctor” Vic whispered.  “I can’t do this anymore…..”

“That’s fine my love.  We will try and relieve your pain and give you some quality of life.”

“Mommy I thought I had more time…” Vic said with tears silently running down her cheeks…… Then the injection kicked in and she drifted off to sleep.

Dr Sue said that the responsible sister would collect the morphine from the Hospice pharmacy and she would set up a  subcutaneous morphine syringe system by that afternoon.  Hospice would arrange for counseling for the boys.

She hugged me and left.  All of a sudden I felt so alone again!

Subcutaneous, or under-the-skin, injections use a needle to deliver medications into tissue just under the skin. An infusion of morphine, anti-nausea medication and Dormicum is now administered 24/7.

The first couple of days Vic slept a lot.  She was tired but there was immediate pain relief.

The nausea subsided and the partial obstruction cleared two days later!

The first infusion site was in her leg.  Within a day and a half the area “tissued”.   A common side effect associated with subcutaneous injections is injection-site reaction such as swelling, redness, and pain.  We phoned Hospice and the Nurse promptly came and the needle was reinserted into the arm.  Within two hours the needle came out again and the morphine was running onto the skin.  It was too late for the Hospice Nurse to return and to re-insert the needle so Vic went to the doctor and he relocated the needle into the abdominal area.

Last night the tissue in the abdominal area had tissued again.  It was also bloody and the morphine was running onto the skin and not into the tissue.  Vic was nauseous with pain.  I had no option but to remove the needle and re-inserting it into a different site.

“I think we should put it into the other side of your tummy” I said

“Mommy, I will insert the needle if you help me…” Vic replied

“No sweetie” I said.  “I will do it”

My heart was in my throat.  I removed the needle and cleaned the injection site.  I disinfected the new site that I had identified.  I took the needle in my hand and lifted the skin.  I pushed the needle against the skin.  I assumed that the needle would just slide in… It did not just slide in!  There was resistance!! I let go of the skin and changed my position.  I could hear and feel my heart pounding in my ears! I again took my child’s skin between my fingers and pulled it upward.

“Maybe I should relax my hold onto the skin…maybe the skin must more relaxed?…..” I thought.

I exerted pressure on the needle and it slid in…  Sweet success!!!!

“Oh Mommy you are such a star!  Thank you.  That did not hurt at all!” Vic gushed.

I do not believe her.  I had felt her little body tense up as the needle went in.  It hurt!

My entire body shook.  The bile rose in my throat and I slowly let out my breath.

We have all come such a far way.  Until last night I could not watch anyone stick a needle into my child.  Now I have stuck a needle into my child’s flesh.  I fear that Vicky’s tissue is too poor for us to continue on the subcutaneous route…… If we do I will have to do this many more times in my life.

The good news is that I was actually able to work the whole week.  It was the annual African Air and Defense Show and we exhibited.  Normally I would be absolutely frantic about Vic.  But I was okay with the fact that she is relatively pain free and the nursing sister visits every two days.

Vic is far more active.  She is truly so much better.  The partial obstruction appears to have cleared!  She spends time chatting to the boys.  On Saturday she took Jared shopping for a new shirt and shoes!

On Sunday morning Jared lit candles “For those we have loved and lost but will forever be in our memories♥..Gramps, Oupa Tienie, Ouma, Nan and Oupes♡”  Vic handed him his baptism candle that she received 15.5 years ago at his christening.  He lit his candle as he took responsibility for his own walk with God.  Vic and I laid hands on him and prayed for him.  It was so touching.

Vic attended Jared’s confirmation service.  I have never seen a more radiant and proud mother in my entire life.

Vic has reached another milestone in her life.