So I don’t forget…


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Lucinda commented today “Again, I can’t add anything on to what others have said; I don’t know how you have the courage to make these posts.”

I sometimes wonder why do I blog?  My whole being screams “so I won’t forget”.  I want to remember every day, every spoken word, every unspoken word, every feverish touch.  My friends have lifetimes ahead with their children…I don’t.  They have many more Christmases and birthdays to look forward to.  The chances are that their children will bury them… As a family we live one day at a time.  We are grateful for every morning when we wake up!

We have friends who lost their 17-year-old son almost 17 years ago.  I have not seen her in a couple of years.  When I last saw her she said that it does not become easier with time.  One just learns to cope with the pain and the loss.  My friend had to walk away from her son.  He was declared brain-dead after a drunk driver drove into the car transporting him to a rugby match….

She said “I touched his big feet.  I lay my head on his chest and I could hear his heart beat …. I walked away and his body was warm…”  Steven’s heart beats on in another person’s chest.  They generously, in all their pain, donated his organs.

Joan never had the opportunity to say “goodbye forever” to Steven.  She said “Goodbye, have a good game.  Love you!”  Joan treasures the last hug, kiss, laugh… She holds onto it.

I want to hold  on to every memory I possibly can.  As hard as it is I write so I will remember everything.

A lot of what I write I don’t post.  It is too raw.

 

Published by

tersiaburger

I am a sixty plenty wife, mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com

21 thoughts on “So I don’t forget…”

  1. I am a great fan of writing things down. And a great admirer of your honesty and frankness of what you and your family are going through; it captures the rawness of your experience, and your love and care, so well.

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  2. I am glad you are writing it all down and I know what you mean about not forgetting. I didn’t begin this blog with that in mind but now I am glad there is a record of events because otherwise my memories might be confused.
    What you are going through, losing your daughter, is the most unbearable thing I can imagine and yet your story touches so many of us in so many ways.

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    1. Julie I am so sorry that I never journal-ed my Dad’s journey. There were so many good moments that I have forgotten. Sometimes I miss him so much and I know that if I read through a journal I would remember the bad moments too. Sometimes I only remember the bad moments and wish I had journal-ed the funny and poignant moments we shared. Lots of hugs to you. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement.

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  3. someday her boys and their children will also want to know what life was like for you all and for vic. of course when doing therapy we encourage patients to write down what they are feeling as well as just reporting events. later they are able to relate exactly what they were feeling even when they were not aware at the time just what they were feeling. the page is a good and safe place to process our frustrations, fears and joys. things you would not want to express but need to can be safely shared here.

    some things as you say are too raw and don’t end up being shared, i can relate to that one for sure. i did want to let you know that some things may mean exactly what you think and then again maybe not. my blood ox has been at 85% for a couple of years now. when i had the complete multi-system failure 4 yrs ago i went in to renal failure, after being removed from life support i opted out of the dialysis. my kidneys have been on the edge of functioning ever since. between the congestive heart failure and the kidneys i can wake up to 12 lbs of fluid and that causes it’s own problems. of course then you have the diuretics that help but don’t completely eliminate the problem.

    just know that so many are here and there for you. we are good listeners. we care. we really do care. have you made some short videos for later? that is one thing i am doing. we are just turning on the camera and talking. i try to tell family history, funny stories that can be remembered and laughed at later when i am not here. we all want to be remembered and letting vic know just how you plan to do that can be very meaningful.

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    1. Oh Sandra, you are so precious. Thank you. The problem with the renal and liver failure is the monstrous amounts of pain medication she is on. Toxicity is our biggest challenge now. earlier this week we had a team discussion on the way forward – reduce the morphine and extend her life or continue and face the consequences…. The video idea is amazing. I cannot believe we haven’t done it yet. We have the odd video and I always take photos. Thank you for your advise and support.

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  4. As painful as it all is, and even though some of what you write doesn’t get posted, I’m glad you’re writing this stuff down. I always used to say to the daughters in our groups that even though they think they won’t ever want to remember, or read, about when their moms died, they will. As time and the years pass, they’ll want to revisit that time, as strange as that sounds. Its part of your history, this time with your daughter, as painful as it is. More so, its about taking the pain and the words out of your heart, and putting them out there, so they don’t build up as much. My heart goes out to you, to all of you. Its unbearable, and yet, you are bearing it. Blessed be~Alison, daughter of Betty Catharine

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  5. This blog is extremely powerful it reminds your readers of the reality of this life and that there is limit we all have. Thank you for sharing and I pray for your courage.

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  6. I am sure that recording your thoughts and emotions on a daily basis must help to relieve the intensity of what you are going through. Perhaps this will also help you in the future, because so often people in your situation exist in a state of denial until the inevitable happens. You and Vic have a unique opportunity to ensure that nothing is left unsaid and that should give you both a degree of peace. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Vic and the family.

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  8. I always look for your posts each day. God is giving you strength to care for your daughter – your friend is right when she said it doesn’t get easier – only bearable.

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  9. Pingback: Ooh, Thanks, An Award, Must Nominate some Great Writers… | Sophie de Courcy and More

  11. My Dear Friend Tersia
    Its amazing to me that you have any writing capabilities left, that you, plenty always plenty of words It is how to make them work the best that you are extremely talented with. I love your answer to why you blog. Of course you do. I am not always a fan of technology but life circumstances like you & Vic how loving of you to record what you can.

    I wanted to wish you all a weekend of togetherness and some laughter. Just a smile to grace you face when you shine for your Vic. ~

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