Owkay mommy I will….


The boys and I visiting Vic in hospital last year.
The boys and I visiting Vic in hospital last year.

It has been a day filled with back to back meetings.  I coped well (I think) and managed to focus.  It was strange not checking my phone every couple of minutes to see whether Vic is okay or not.

I sent the boys’ text messages early evening as the meetings continued into the night.

Me to Jared:  “Hi baby – you okay?”

Jared:  “Hey Oumie.  I’m okay thanks and you?”

Me:  “Missing you”

Jared:  “Missing you too Oumie.  This house feels empty”

Me:  “Will phone later just in a meeting”

Jared: “Owkay Oumie”

Me:  “Sleep tight angel!  Pse wake me so I can see you tomorrow”

Jared “Owkay mommy I will!!! Love you!!! Missing you too Oumie”

Breathe in, breath out, breathe in, breathe out…. I could not look up.  I was petrified that that my colleagues would see the tears that formed in my eyes.

These poor boys!  They are stoic in their grief.  They carry on bravely at school and with all their extramural activities.  They are so young to have gone through so much pain and loss.  They lost their childhoods to Osteogenesis Imperfecta and doctor error; they have watched their mother suffer horrific pain, lose her dignity…Yet they witnessed their incredibly beautiful mother fight every second of her life to stay alive…  She showered them with love and taught them independence.  She was strict and her favourite words to them was “I am your Mother not your excuse”

The boys are brave like their warrior mother!  A credit to her!

I wish I could wipe the pain from their hearts and memories.  There is however no Ketamine Infusion for emotional pain, only for physical pain. I wish I could protect them for pain and loss but I cannot.  I must continue with the phenomenal work their mother started in their upbringing.  I must help them to continue growing and individuals on this path Vic put them on…

I miss my child more than I ever thought I would.  I honestly thought, because of the extended “Anticipatory Grief” period, that we went through, the grief would be less after Vic’s death.  That anticipatory grief is however NOTHING compared to the pain we are experiencing 17 days after Vic’s death.  I don’t know whether I will ever get used to this void in my heart.

Will I ever be able to breathe without pain again?  Will I ever sleep again?  Will I ever laugh spontaneously with joy again?

I actually just don’t want to live with this pain…..

Published by

tersiaburger

I am a sixty plenty wife, mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com

19 thoughts on “Owkay mommy I will….”

  3. Tersia,
    There is no way to prepare for this intensity of emotion. There is no way to tell you how this will feel before you feel it. There are indeed no words to describe it and it feels like you cannont breathe. It will pass, but not for a long time. You must be very gentle with yourself now. We have connections to our loved ones that our current culture doesn’t understand – levels of energy that we share with our loved ones – layers of love and shared experience. All of these are being affected in you, around you, in your family. And you are all feeling it simultaneously, separately and together. Keep breathing the best you can – sometimes that will be all that you can do. Loving hugs, know you are not alone. Sending you a breath of my own to support yours,
    Luna

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    1. Thank you Luna for your compassionate words and advice. You speak from experience. Have you posted anything on the “connections” . I tried to find something on your blog, but not too successfully.

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  5. SO many hugs to you Tersia, and the boys. There is absolutely nothing worse than this. Nothing. I bet smiles and laughter will come, and that in no way shames Vic.
    xoxoxo

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  7. Dear Tersia,, PLS take time off. Me time. You are making a big mistake to try and work. You have to
    mourn. Light a candle for her a day and sit down and cry looking at pictures and first clear your mind. Remember 17 days after her death is very early. It is going to become worse the pain. You have to be good to you other wise you will land up in hospital.One day when you look back you will appreciate what I told you now. You owe her to go and see someone else professional to help you through this path at least for a year. Think about you and pray for strength. Love Ronel, Durbanville.

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    1. Tersia, I know how confusing it is to be given advice while in deep grief. People want to help you; they wish they could take away your pain. I have complete faith that you will do whatever you can to feel better.
      I know you will pace yourself. What people cannot understand is that grief is something that cannot be fixed. No therapy or pill or candle for a day will ease this awful ache. Every person is different and I totally understand why you would prefer working because I did that. I wanted to retain some normalcy and stay busy, rather than collapse with grief. It is ok!
      Trust yourself and do whatever feels best. Grief is a long road and I always like to share my optimism and hope with you. Out of Vicky’s life and death, something amazing will bloom that you cannot imagine at this moment.

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    3. Ronel I have no option. I have to go back to work. I have neglected my business for the past 6 months and now have to get back to it. I plan on meeting the Hospice Councillor with the boys. I believe we need to see someone. Thank you for your kind words and compassionate advice.

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  10. I’ve had good seasons and some deeply painful ones.
    I’ve made some spectacularly good
    choices and some outrageously bad mistakes.
    I’m very human–a work in progress. – Robin Sharma

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  11. My heart breaks for you Tersia, it will get worse before it gets better. It is still very early days and your grief is raw. Don’t push yourself too hard – just love those gorgeous boys as much as only you can.

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    1. thank you optie! I just caught up on your blog and hope things work out for you. You are so kind to visit and write when you are in such turmoil yourself! Thank you!!!!!

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