Today I felt as if I was at the end of my tether. Becoming a mom is a full time job. Maybe I must just adjust to the different routine and responsibilities. Up until a week before her death Vic was responsible for the boys. Sure, I did a lot of running around but Vic was my main responsibility. I was comfortable with our routine of waking, breakfast, showering, meds, nap, wake, lunch …… Vic would push the boys to do homework and their chores.
I hate “moaning”….If the boys needed to be pulled into line I would just whisper in Vic’s ear and she would sort them out. I could “ooch and gooch” and make soothing sounds…. I was the Oumie!!
Now I am the responsible person. The bucket stops with me!
Don’t get me wrong. The boys are amazing human beings. Jared has however started battling with maths and as he wants to study Information Technology, he needs higher grade maths. His maths mark is pathetic and he will never get accepted into a good university with a low maths mark. So we decided on extra maths lessons….
Jon-Daniel wants to study medicine and needs a maths mark in the upper 90’s to be accepted as a medical student. His marks are in the upper 80’s – good but not good enough. So we decided on extra maths lessons….
So the boys need to spend an extra hour and a half, per day, on maths…. They have busy programs! Mondays and Wednesday is archery and cricket. Tuesdays and Fridays extra maths and we try to get to the gym 4 days a week…. Wednesday nights they have to visit their dad.
Long story short – the extra maths is being neglected. Last week my Saudi partner was here and for 8 days we were in back to back meetings from early morning until late at night. I did not mark the maths, but Danie promised to do so! Today to my shock I discovered it had not been done!
I started marking the maths and as I went the angrier I became! I was angry with the slap-dash manner in which the maths had been done. I was angry that I was marking ~@£&~# maths papers and not caring for my child. I was angry with Danie for not doing what he promised to do. I was angry with the boys for not doing their maths properly, but mostly I was angry with Vic. I was angry that she died and that I now have to fulfill her role!
This is not frigging fair. I want our lives back. I want my child back….
It is not really true. I am grateful that her suffering is over. My mind is blocking out the memories of how desperately ill she was. I am remembering the good moments only. I am grateful that I blogged or else I would lose my mind. I read and reread the horror of Vic’s suffering just to wonder “was it really this bad?” I know it was as bad as I am reading if not worse.
Today I join Steven Callahan, someone who can attest to choosing against the odds. Steven Callahan, survived 76 days adrift in a broken boat. He ate barnacles and did yoga, tossed in a leaky boat: “I now have a choice: to pilot myself to a new life or to give up and watch myself die. I choose to kick as long as I can.”
I must kick! I MUST survive! For the boys sake!
Vic's Final Journey 
You have the right to be angry…it is part of the grieving process and it will happen many times over. there is no greater loss than that of your child. The logical part of us says they are in a better place no more suffering and pain but our hearts cry out in angish with the pain of our loss. So let it go , punch pillows go into the woods, a lake, mountains wherever you can do so without interruption and scream out your anger, weep and curse if need be just let it out then come back and face the day and be better to and for your family for a while. It is but one foot in front of the other each minute each day. god bless you and I am here if you need to rant, rave talk or cry. Love from one mother to another~Len
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Thank you dear Len for your kind words of advice. Only another mother would understand!
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Only another mother who has lost a child :(
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You poor thing. I wish you could rest for a while. Being a Mom is one of the most difficult things in life. I know you love your grandchildren. But it’s hard for a GrandMom. We are old and don’t have the energy to keep up. I have admired your long battles. My friend is having to raise her grandchildren One is 8 and the other is 15. God Bless.
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I am very tired and need “me” time, but the boys must come first. Thank you for your compassion and kindness! I have tried clicking on your blog, but keep getting a message saying “the author deleted the blog”… Please send me your blog address!
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I am 1wanderingtruthseeker. I don’t know why that’s happening.
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Can you get a tutor? This is too much for you.
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Hugs to you dear Tersia. I cannot even imagine what you’ve been through and are going through. No parent should ever have to lose a child and no one should ever have to live in as much pain as Vic did. Your anger is justified a thousand times over.
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Hugs and fond regards Katie
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By the Grace of God, you will survive. I am so glad for ;your honesty. God can handle you even when people cannot. Always take everything to Him–the good,the bad and the ugly. Jesus is our shining light of hope.
God be with you, Tersia.
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Ohmigoodness! You have so much on your plate. I’m sure it feels as if you are drowning in wave after wave and desperately need time just to keep your head above water and breathe. One step at a time, one day at a time, one thing at a time. I’m sure the boys are dealing with a lot regarding the death of their mom, too. I felt like our daughter was left without our support after Jason died. Funny thing you should talk about math. Both she and I were in college at the same time after Jason died, taking the same statistics class, and struggling terribly with it. We went together to a tutor to help us get through the term. We passed, although not with very high marks! :-)
Thinking of you today…and sending hugs…
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i understand the boys are too old for a nanny but it seems you need someone to step in and sort of run the errands, transport boys to appts, govern the math lessons. of course they have lost their mother and will need some time to get back on track. thinking of you and sending hugs…
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