I will not close down my blog


559940_412504292172338_2020785244_nThis is a very emotional time in all our lives.  It is 8 weeks and 2 days since Vic died.  We have all lived on our nerves for a long time and although we thought it would be a relief that Vic’s suffering was over, the grief has been overwhelming.  Not only for the boys and I but also others that loved Vic…

I know the family is concerned about me.  I know their concern stems from love.

I however need to blog.  I need to hear from other bereaved parents that I am not going mad.  That my grief is normal and that it is okay to grieve for my beautiful child.

I have subscribed to several blogs or sites for bereaved parents and it is not working for me.  It is other parents words.

I will however borrow these words from another grieving parent

Dear Clueless

I would like to share with you my pain but that isn’t possible unless you have lost a child yourself and that I wouldn’t want you to have to experience. So with that being said, I would like to say this. I will try to my best to understand you if you try to understand me. I lost my child. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same again. I will be different from now on. I no longer have the same feelings about anything. Everything in my life has changed from the moment my child left to go to heaven. I will, on some days be very sad and nothing you say will changes that so don’t feel like it is your job to make me feel better on those days, just allow me to be where I am. 

When you lose a child you not only lose your reason for living, you lose the motivation to go on. You also lose your sense of self. It takes a long time to come to some kind of understanding for why this has happened, if ever. Of course we who have lost children know we have to go on but we don’t want to hear someone else tell us too. Especially from someone who has not lost a child. It makes me and anyone who has lost a child want to say who are you to tell me that? Did you bury your child? I don’t want this to sound like I don’t appreciate everything you say because I know you mean well, but I just want you to appreciate where I am coming from too. I want you to understand that some of the things you say hurt me and others like me without you really knowing it. I know it must be pretty hard to talk to people like myself, not knowing what to say. That is why I am writing this letter. 

If you don’t know what to say, say nothing or just say I’m sorry. That always works for me. If you want to talk ad say my child’s name feel free I would love to hear his name anytime. You not saying his name didn’t make me forget it, or what happened to him. So by all means say his name. When special dates come or holidays come please forgive me if I’m not myself. I just can’t keep it up on those days. I may wish to be by myself so I can think about my child without putting on a front. Most of all I want you to know I’m having a hard time with the death of my child and I am trying my very best to get back into life again. Some days it may look like I have accomplished that, and other days like I am at square one.

This will happen the rest of my life periodically. There are just no words to explain the living hell this feels like. There are no words that could ever do it justice. So please bear with me and give me time and don’t put your own timetable on my grief and let me be the person I am now and not have to live up to the person you think I should be. Allow me my space and time and accept me for me. I will try my best to understand you. 

Love, Your Friend in Grief  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Whispers-from-Heaven/604565892890783

So, if you are going to read my blog read it through my eyes and see my heart.  If you are unable to handle the rawness of my words know that you are reading my soul.  Remember that I don’t easily verbalize my emotions and this blog is my coping mechanism.

I have found hundreds of notes and journal entries in a file called “Our Story.”  Vic loved my blog and wanted me to share “Our Story”.  It was her wish.  I will continue to do so.

So, love me in my time of sorrow and allow me to cope whichever way I can….  I love you too and appreciate your caring.

 

Published by

tersiaburger

I am a sixty plenty wife, mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com

25 thoughts on “I will not close down my blog”

  2. Well said Tersia and good for you for stating what you need, for helping others to understand where you’re coming from and for honouring Vic’s wish for this story to be shared. I can’t imagine what it is like to bury one’s child and I hope I never have to know. I love how you show us how to be with others who are grieving.

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  3. Welkom terug my Tjommie! Jy is ‘n wonderlike Ma vir jou kinders – en ‘n Super Ouma! Ek’t nog so baie om te leer van jou. Vicky sal altyd in ons almal se harte bly want jy leef haar droom. Stepping Stones Hospice (hoop ek het dit reg gespel….) is maar net een voorbeeld daarvan. Ons sien Jesus in jou want jy het ‘n hart van goud!

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  4. Dear Tersia, I’m sure you are all drained, physically emotionally mentally and spiritually after your long drawn out ordeal.
    If the body is being sustained, it’;s easier to cope with the rest, and during the stress of your last few months and years, the body will have become depleted of essential elements that actually assist emotional and mental wellbeing.
    If you can find a good healer who can tell you the extra amounts of amino acids, Vit B complex, calcium, magnesium and zinc that you will all be needing, this could help you to cope with the other aspects of your grieving. Even in normal times teenage boys need lots more zinc than usual, as their sexual development drains them of zinc – but we all need extra zinc under stress, or we become depressed plus calcium and magnesium which calm the nerves, and multi vit B for the nerves also….I have studied – up to a point – nutritional medicine….
    IF you feel I could give you more info, e-mail me – warm wishes, Valerie

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    1. Thank you Valerie. I bought the boys a B Complex vitamin today with zinc!! I plan on taking the boys to a homeopath – I am sure their bodies (and mine) is depleted of many nutritional elements due to all the stress. You are so sweet!!

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  5. grief is our own personal journey and therefore story. i am here to love you and support you in the way you need. just continue to tell your story and guide me in doing what is best for you. i know that your grief will not be the same as my husbands. he will have his own path. i am not here for any reason other than you. vic wanted that for you and of us.

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  6. I am so glad you are blogging again. I too, tried the grieving parents groups. It didn’t work for me either. Something about being able to write about death it helps get it out a little while. Writing instead of speaking, you get to say what you want to say without being interupted,talked over for people that have no idea what you are going thur, i.e. friends, family, etc. etc. So write all you want for a friend that does know what you are going thur. (hugs)

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  8. I am so glad that you’ve decided to keep the blog going. Blogging has been a help to you and you deserve whatever outlets you can get for your grief, feelings, thoughts, memories – all of it!!
    I truly am so sorry for all that you’re going through. I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.
    Hugs and love dear Tersia. ♥♥

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  9. My younger brother died today…he was 61…and suffered from myotonic dystrophy. I know your words will give me strength and i and so many others are grateful to you for continuing your blog. Blessings and love to you, Tersia!

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  10. I know the grief well… as a grieving mother my blog was where I could channel my pain. I never could read anything, anywhere that helped me. I’m so glad you aren’t just going away to not blog
    again. I, for one, will always be here for you. I will read and follow you. I care, I know the pain. Love your friend, Gloria/Granny Gee

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  13. Dear tersia, there is strength in your words you share that I imagine you are not feeling. You say that we are reading your soul though your words and I believe that because I feel a quiet determination that comes from your won heart. If there is one thing I do know about life, including grieving, that the only right way is your way. Simply put.

    Can I say I am so proud of you. Please, be so good to yourself.

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  14. I am so glad to see you back here Tersia, I was lying awake the other night thinking about you and wondering if you had really decided to close down your blog and what a loss that would be for your readers and for you in terms of the support you receive here.

    Say what you need to say, pour your heart out, we can take it far better than any of your close family and friends would be able to. We understand that we can’t fix anything for you but we are willing to listen (read) and support and pray for you for as long as … there is no time limit on grief.

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  15. We don’t want our loved ones to suffer, so we tell them to fly away from the pain and fear, and then we wonder how we can live our own lives without them, our hearts shattered. One breath at a time. There is no right or wrong way to find your way through this deep grief (except if you’re abusing yourself or others). So, sit with your thoughts and computer, come and be with those who know how you feel. And give yourself TIME, with no set limits, to roll in the rough surf of grief. From my place 13 years after my son’s death, the landscape isn’t as frightening or confusing. You’re going to have to be a lot about what Tersia needs to get here.

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  16. Welcome home from those who understand and love you. Do share your words, they bring comfort to those of us who have also lost a child. Keeping your grief to yourself may work for some, but I was told early on that keeping your grief inside was not a good thing to do, and I share when I can, some are interested others not so much.

    God bless you and your family. There is no grief like losing a child of any age.

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  17. Grieve it out! It’s, as the picture says, NECESSARY. I’m still grieving my loss and it is a very different one from yours. Your writing is beautiful in it’s honesty.

    Best *hugs*

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  18. Writing is a WONDERFUL coping mechanism. It is the reason I started my blog. I hope it helps you, even if only a little. It helped me in my darkest. I believe so.

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  19. Dearest Tersia,
    You are on a journey with Grief…she will take you places you never knew existed. If you go with her, you might survive…if not there is no telling. Follow her on the path and trust your body as it will tell you when to rest, when to eat, when to walk. You will need solitude…and patience, both for yourself and others. During the dying process we are focused on that…we have no idea what will happen on the other side of it and we are often so depleted. I now understand why we used to identify ourselves in mourning with our clothing – it was so that others knew and let us to our process without making demands and pretending we were okay. As others have advised, you will be forever changed by this and getting used to living in this different skin will take time. Be gentle on yourself.

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  20. Tersia, I don’t know if you say my post on ‘I’ll meet you…’ but just in case you didn’t, I am posting here that I am nominating you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. That isn’t much, but it’s something. I am glad you are not closing down the blog. You do write very strongly, and while you may think it is because it is on the subject closest to your heart, this strong writing leads me to suggest, have you ever thought about writing stories? I know you are very busy being a new mum to the boys, but I wonder. Many find it helpful – I beieve Anne Rice for one…Just a thought.
    xx

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    1. You are so sweet and kind and nice. Yes, I did see it, but I have “saved” it for a badder than bad day…I would not know where to start writing a story. I have no formal training and just write my heart’s words. Thank you so much for the award. I will post the award later this week – I am TRULY humbled by awards. xx

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  21. I am really, really glad you’re not closing it down Tersia (though I know this is an old post). And also, I don’t think you should ever close it down because family or friends don’t like it out there.

    Grief is very personal. After Mum’s suicide, I wasn’t given a moment to pause on it, and then was told by the Nuns in the orphanage that she was in purgatory & when I asked about that, well, to my mind was in hell stuck somewhere.

    I like the quote, and I hope you give yourself the space to grieve however must be – yes, it’s a NECESSITY.

    xx N.

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