I am a mess. I have cried myself to sleep every night this past week. I tear up without reason.
I have this indescribable longing to see my child, hold her and be with her. I went onto Vic’s Facebook and went through all her photos. Most of the photos on her FB are “tagged” photos of mine. I went through the photos and “spoke” to Vic. I remembered the wonderful mother and daughter that she was. I looked at her journey, the amount of photos where she is in bed with the boys lying with her. The sad thing is that it is truly only the tip of the iceberg.
I found this note on her FB that I had never seen before. Vic posted this 3 days before my dad died.
17 May 2011 at 23:37
Today Hospice came to access my Grandfather… They dripped him & made him comfortable. He has lost his swallowing reflex, sleeps most of the day, is completely bedridden & can barely talk… The suddenness of his deterioration is very difficult to comprehend. Please could you all say a big prayer for my Gramps and especially my Mom, who lost her best friend of 25 years, age 51 due to a heart attack last Tues. My Mother is one of the strongest, bravest people I know.. How do we say goodbye, how do I take my Boys to say their Goodbyes tomorrow, how do we accept that this incredible man has such little time left regardless of the fact that we all know that its best for him. How can I be strong for my babies when my heart breaks all over again, every day when I see him… Especially my Eunice Friends, you will all remember how desperately my Gramps and Gran loved and spoilt me and how VERY MUCH they meant to me… I don’t want to live without him even though I realise that is extremely selfish, but I love my Grandfather so desperately, It’s not fair… All I ask for is compassion… Compassion for Gramps and my Mother… Thank you to everyone for all your love & support through everything… Love Vic.
I understood Vic’s agony of saying goodbye to us better… I have doubted our decision to sedate her during the last few days of her life… Reading this today I was filled with gratitude that we did. I remembered her emotional agony when her friends left after a visit… I remember her clinging to Danie and crying “Don’t leave me daddy. I am scared…” I am grateful that she gently slipped away without knowing or fearing what lies beyond…
I wonder whether she is around us? I wonder if she is peaceful and happy? I wonder if she misses us as desperately as we miss her.
Yesterday a friend of mine celebrated her 60th birthday. Her daughter posted a beautiful letter on her FB page. Tears started trickling down my cheeks. I will never receive another birthday card or wish from Vic. I will never celebrate another Mother’s Day with Vic and neither will her boys!!
Oh dear God will this agony every stop?
I WANT MY CHILD BACK!!!!!!!”
22 thoughts on “I WANT MY CHILD BACK!!”
You are a credit to your daughter, Tersia.
She is my heroine Julie.
cyber hugs (((tersia)))
Aaahh…my heart goes out to you, and my prayers. Continue sharing, please. We can all be in prayer for you and for an eventual semblance of peace. In the meantime, it is good that you are grieving and not doing so alone.
Thank you Annie.
My heart breaks for you as I read your words that are so filled with pain and anguish. This is such a cruel way of life, that we are thrown into when we lose a child. Hang on, keep writing, and remember there are no rules. Try to stay strong, and when you can’t its okay. Do not put expectations on your self, just try to survive the moment. My continued prayers and support are with you. Hugs <3
Thank you so much for caring in the midst of your own pain and sorrow!
Oh Tersia, I am crying with your words. There is so little I can say to you. Every bereaved mother knows. No one can see what goes on inside as our soul is amputated. The longing for your child never ends, but the agony cannot stay this way. It is far more than any human can bear. While you are in it, knowing it will eventually get better doesn’t ease the immediate torture. But still you must hang on. Keep giving all the love in your heart to Jared and Jon-Daniel. Love is our reason for grief, but love helps us survive. Vic’s Facebook page holds a sign for you. She wrote about saying a prayer for you and about hoping others would have compassion for you. I hear her message loud and clear at this moment. Many prayers, love and compassion are coming to you from all over the world.
Thank you dear Judy. Today I walked along the beach and felt Vic’s presence for the first time. I feel strangely at peace tonight and I am so grateful for it. Fond hugs!!
I am tears here, I am not the tower of strength you are.
But I can be your friend and help you best I can
I read a few posts and have kept up to date.
This blog is so natural. I have 4 kids, 2 and 3 year old Daughters and 19 and 21 year old sons, my oldest son nearly past with a seizure. It is always a worry. But to lose a child is so unfair.
I am crying for you and Vic right now. I want you to see her.
If I had one wish I could use right now, it would be this.
Stay strong, she is looking down on you smiling, in no pain. She loves you and she will NEVER be gone as you and your friends here and elsewhere will keep her in out hearts
I said it before, I say it again. On my page “How to contact me” Please. If you ever want to speak to someone thousands of miles away in Scotland, just to share and talk. My shoulder and ear are here for you..
Thank you dear Shaun. Your words are truly comforting! I hope your son will be okay – it is a constant worry when a child is ill. Hugs
In my Heart of Hearts I know you are hurting.
But Vic isn’t anymore. That was the comfort I sought when we had an unexpected death.
My heart and soul and here for you, as well as a shoulder and an ear, should you ever wish to chat.
Tersia, I picture Vic with her gramps. You will have her back one day. You will go to her and your dad and all those who you loved and who passed before you. Until then you’ll be with her boys and those who need you here. I hope that doesn’t sound cliche or unfeeling, because it’s not meant that way…
Tersia, how my heart feels for you. I felt your pain as I read your words. I know the pain of losing a child, I recognized your grieving mother pain… I care. Love, Gloria
I have no words of comfort Tersia but I hear your pain and will continue to pray that God will grant you strength sufficient for each day.
Thank you so much for your continued support! Hugs xx
though no one can truly know how you feel my heart breaks for you. it is little comfort but i think when we pass we no longer feel negative type human emotions such as missing loved ones. i do believe that there are spirits of some loved ones around us and that love never truly dies. have you ever been awakened by someone calling your name? when we are in that twilight sleep i think we can hear the spirits.
i have told my family if i have that restlessness at the end i want to be medicated. it seems a blessing for all concerned. your posting the other day is making me rethink being at home in the end. you have tremendous strength and i know my husband does, however, after hearing what you feel about vic’s room i am uncertain.
i think it just so hard for people to sustain the level of empathy shown in the beginning of this long journey you are on. not that they have forgotten, they do have to keep on with their life. when my husband was murdered i went through some of the same feelings you are having. even with my grandmother there are the early stages where plans have to be made and there are people around and life is busy, surreal but busy. then people go back to their life but you still don’t have your loved one. i know losing a child is so different, beyond my experience.
just wishing you peace of heart. hugs to you my friend.
Oh please do not change your mind about being at home at the end! I am so grateful Vic (and my Dad) were home amongst the people that they love when they died. The “packing up” is hard. There are so many things that I wonder “what should I do with it?” I feel guilty about discarding items that Vic valued… Jon-Daniel moved into Vic’s room and when asked whether he was scared he said “no- It is a room of love”
Oh my friend, what a journey you are on! I wish I could just hug you and make your life easier. I wish I could give you some of my heart’s function! Hugs and a long life my friend!
No one can understand a mother’s pain at such a painful loss. You have considerable support from the blogging community. I hope there are also resources in your community to help you through these stages of grief, and those close to you. Vic was suffering tremendously in her last months, and I am sure she would not want you to continue suffering so much. The boys who have their lives ahead of them will always be scarred by this loss, but perhaps together you can find a way to focus more on the future.
Sorry if I may have overstepped my bounds here but please know this is meant to encourage your efforts to move forward.
My thoughts are with you.
Tersia, beautiful photos..beautiful memories…I am sure Vic and Gramps are surrounding you with love—they are with you– I believe that! Their love will give you the strength to go on …and to be that love for her beautiful sons…and for yourself…you have a beautiful caring soul! My Mother lost her first two sons, Robert was 6 when he died of TB and then Roger died tragically in the USAF when the plane exploded at 19…and then she had 9 more of us to raise. Mothers are heroic! I know you will be there for her sons because YOU are heroic!
Thank you for your kind words. I am so grateful for Vic’s boys. I don’t know how I would have survived her death without them. I do believe that they are with me.
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