“The pain passes, but the beauty remains”.

I have flu. I get ill once in 5 years and I am a ninny. I do not handle pain and discomfort well… I whinge, moan and groan until I am better…

This time I have embraced my flu. I can stay in bed and there is no pressure for me to get up…. I can just lie in bed with my eyes closed and it is okay! For the first time since my precious child died I don’t have to communicate, talk or pretend. I can just be sick!!!! I have spent four days in bed not having to talk, smile or pretend….

I am sick to the core of my soul – not only from the flu but from heartbreak. I was able to feel the loneliness and emptiness that permeates my life since Vic died. For four days I have not had to smile or live – I could lie in bed and hope to die.

There are days that I really do cope. There are days that I am able to smile and laugh. Most of the time I live a lie…

I have made peace with the fact that my precious child’s suffering is over. I know that never again will she fracture vertebrae from vomiting, scream from pain, whimper because she does not have the strength to scream… But all I have done is learnt to accept that Vic was amputated from my life. I still have to learn to live without the amputated part of my body; the pain of the missing part of me continues to taunt me…

I miss my child so much! I want to love and hold her. I wish I could have protected her from the ravages of Osteogenesis Imperfecta and doctor error! No, I don’t have guilt…I did everything I possibly could for my baby girl. I just desperately miss her! I miss her company.

I am hoping that the pain will pass…I do remember the beauty of my precious Vic all the time. The wonderful mother and daughter that she was; kind and gentle; incapable of malice…Her beauty will remain with us for ever.

Tomorrow I will get out of bed and carry on living.

Published by

tersiaburger

I am a sixty plenty wife, mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com View all posts by tersiaburger

10 thoughts on ““The pain passes, but the beauty remains”.”

chdmum says:

May 6, 2013 at 20:11

Tersia, I never thought of the flu as being a gift, but now I see that it can be! I know that when my own Dearest Daughter is no longer with me I will revisit your blog and know that I am not alone. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness.

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1. tersiaburger says:
  
  May 7, 2013 at 22:39
  
  Your reply has haunted me. I gather that your precious daughter is terminally ill. I am so sorry! It is a journey that no mother should ever travel. If you need to chat my email address is tersia.burger@gmail.com Lots of hugs
  
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dianasschwenk says:

May 6, 2013 at 20:38

Sometimes having the flu and being bed-ridden can give us exactly what we need. I hope you feel better soon! (((HUGS)))

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behindthemaskofabuse says:

May 6, 2013 at 22:26

I”m sorry that the flu got you but I’m so glad you had time to just nurture yourself and your needs. xo

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lenwilliamscarver says:

May 7, 2013 at 08:53

My heart aches for you and recognizes the pain. I offer hugs through cyber-space and prayers to heaven for you my friend. Hope you get over the flu quickly. (((xx)))

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Katie Michele says:

May 7, 2013 at 11:38

Hugs dear Tersia. Thinking about you.

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Happily Homeless says:

May 9, 2013 at 00:32

Your words strike such a chord in me, regarding my beloved husband’s death. I’m so very glad his suffering is over, and I have wonderful memories of our almost 4 years of on the road travel, but right now what is front and center is the pain of grief. I know its’ all perspective, and I appreciate yours-that this flu gave you the time to just be. In your bed, in your grief, in your heartbreak.

Here’s hoping for better days for you, for me, for all those who are suffering the grief that comes from having loved and lost~

Be blessed, Tersia~

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1. tersiaburger says:
  
  May 10, 2013 at 13:45
  
  And you!! Be kind to yourself now… Lots of hugs and warm wishes.
  
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RM says:

May 10, 2013 at 08:57

I just stumbled on your blog through Noeleen’s. I read almost everything and was profoundly touched by your love for VIC and the boys. You are a great mum Tersia. Yes, the beauty will always remain. Love knows no bound. Vic is with you in a realm we cannot understand. Thank you for sharing Vic with us. Thank you for letting us see the heart of a Mother that you have. Happy Mother’s Day on Sunday. I told Noeleen that I might not be able to fully grasp how it is to truly love as a mum because I don’t have and will never have one. But through you I feel I am catching a glimpse of that love and it leads me to heal my relationship with my own mum and especially with my grandma. Thank you again and I’m glad I dropped by. Vic will never be forgotten.

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1. tersiaburger says:
  
  May 10, 2013 at 21:56
  
  I dropped by your blog and was saddened by your childhood. Every child deserves a happy childhood. The relationship between a mother and child is sacred! I hope that you will be able to find forgiveness in your heart and the strength to pursue a good relationship with the matriarchs in your family. Lots of hugs and best wishes!!! Thank you for dropping by, reading and your kind comments!
  
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