Nobody can suffer a lifetime of devastating pain, indignity, loss and then still go to hell…This was her hell. It was a hell that she suffered and lived with dignity. She never stopped smiling. Often through her tears…but she smiled. Vic lived every second that she breathed.
I do believe that Vic is running free in Heaven. Running for the first time in her life… free of pain and suffering!
A year ago, today, we had Vic’s memorial service. It was incredibly sad and beautiful…it was also the day I received my first message from Heaven.
I RECEIVED MY SIGN!
Tuesday morning arrived. It had been a very long weekend. I battled with the eulogy and my broken heart. Everybody kept looking at me to make sure I was okay… Patting my hand and saying: “It is going to be okay!”It is never going to be okay. Nothing can erase my child’s suffering and death from my mind. In time I suppose I will learn to live with the pain and longing, but it is NOT GOING TO BE FLIPPEN OKAY!!!!! EVER!!!
I have slept in Vic’s bed since her death to “demystify” her room. I also feel close to her. I can smell her in her pillow; I spray her perfume before I go to sleep.
After Vic passed and before the undertakers arrived I lay next to her lifeless little body. I spoke to her non-stop.
“Sweetie, If your soul is hovering in this room I want a clear sign from you that you are still with me…”
I woke early and prepared for the lousiest day of my life. I started chewing “Rescue” tablets. It was the only way I was going to get through the memorial service without making an absolute fool of myself. The boys looked so handsome! Their mom would have been very proud of her boys!
At the church the hearse was parked at the front door. Vic was already inside the church. A huge photo was on an easel, and at least a hundred candles were burning around the casket. The flowers were beautiful. Vic would have approved.
I sat in the pew with tears running down my face. I could not believe that my baby girl was lying in that casket! That I would never see her, never hold her again, never hear her voice again. Sitting in church I could not remember her pain and suffering only my own.
The service was beautiful! The minister spoke from his heart and shared his memories of a brave young woman with almost 200 people. He said that not many people are ever prepared for death, but Vic was to such an extent that she had planned her entire memorial service. He wiped a tear from his eyes where he spoke of Vic’s journey.
As instructed by Vic we sang “Amazing Grace” and “How great Art Thou”. I managed to sing – not a pretty sound though! My voice was all over! Vic would have giggled and told me that I sound like my mom!
I did the eulogy with the two boys standing on either side of me. At times my voice wavered and at times even I could hear how strong I sounded.
And then it was time to carry the coffin to the hearse for the FINAL part of Vic’s journey. I could hear the boys quietly sobbing as we carried Vic on her final journey. I felt my face contort with grief and tears.
The coffin was so light! I remember thinking “I wonder if Vic is really in the coffin….”
We lay single roses on the coffin. The two boys’ red roses and the rest of us pink…. Kari and Simone (Vic’s nieces) came up and stroked the coffin. They sobbed uncontrollably. I could hear people crying.
The minister said a final prayer, and it was time for Vic to leave.
The undertaker solemnly hugged me and closed the rear door of the hearse. It opened…. He pushed the coffin into position and relocked the locking mechanism. He closed the door again. Once again the door closed and opened!
“Vic is here and she is telling us she is going no where!” I said
People laughed nervously….
The undertaker unlocked the lock and pushed the coffin into position again. The undertaker locked the locking mechanism for the 3rd time. He closed the door. This time it remained closed. Vic had gotten her message through to me…I received my sign.
My precious child is still with me.
Vic's Final Journey 
I lost my son 13 years ago he was 10 months old he died from an extremely rare heart condition
I wrote and self published a book about the 12 months that followed after the end of that book I wrote about a dream where he returned to me one night I found him in his bed room sitting on a bed strangely he could walk now yet at the time of his death he could only crawled, In the dream he walks up to me in just a nappy like a toddler smiling waving his arms in the air coming towards me for a cuddle. His message to me was dad don’t cry or worry for me I am free and happy you can go on and live your life now
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I am so sorry for your loss. How wonderfully reassuring that dream must have been. Strangely I have never dreamt of Vic but I have found white feathers whilst thinking of her. What is the name of your book? I would love to read it. Does time heal all wounds? Thank you for commenting.
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Amazing!
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I know she’s in heaven too.
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Hi Tersia, I have been a follower for a few months and read your post with much sorrow and grief. I do not recall if I introduced myself already so if I did, please forgive me for repeating myself.
I also live with grief having lost my son seven years ago on December 22, 2006. He lived for 28 years with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. I devoted 28 years caring for his needs and advocating for his rights.
Everyone deals with grief in different ways. I chose to keep my feelings deep inside. I believe I created this defense mechanism all these years so I can stay in control and do what I needed to make sure Jason was treated with dignity and love.
It is now seven years later and all the sorrow, grief and sadness is starting to overflow in my head. I developed an anxiety disorder probably from post traumatic stress. For the first time I am beginning to feel the pain and loss of my dear Jason.
I just finished writing his memoir and this is probably what triggered all the above feelings. It is a good thing. The book is helping clear my head of all the feelings of anger, grief, sadness and for the first time I am moving toward the acceptance of his death. I never understood until now how one could hurt so badly losing a child.
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I am so sorry for your sadness and terrible loss. Your situation is aggravating the situation. I will pray for you. I will pray for healing, wisdom and strength. Hugs xx
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I told you you would get your sign from Vic to let you know she is alright. You may not remember me but I’m the one whose son hanged himself and the message I got from him, seeing him in no pain. they are just waiting for us to join them.
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Thank you for your kind words. Your blog is filled with so much sadness. I am so grateful that you received a message from Heaven! Hugs
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Tersia, what a comforting message. I do believe in messages and have experienced some not so public evidence that the soul visits us to let us know they are looking over us. God bless you and your family. Vic is looking over you.
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Thank you Shirley. It is very comforting.
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And she always will be…
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time is a great healer in away you learn to live with the loss they are always in your thoughts grieving become less painfull and is sporadic and the time spent grieving is shorter but differs in its intensity from time to time that how its been for me
And my book is called One Man’s Wilderness by Mark Smith
i self published on Lulu.com
thankyou i wish you well
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I will try and find your book. Thank you for your encouraging words. Hugs
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Tersia my heart is big and pain brought a caring side to me I never had. I have been wanting to do this for a LONG time, today my Son Dean and Dawn and I sat down for a few hours and made something for you. It is no Award, it is a memory. I have the Memory in my sidebar now. I pray others put it there also. Love you tons Tersia.. x
On the day you write this with that beautiful image I did this for you and Vic’s son’s x <3
http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2014/01/24/in-memory-of-vicky-bruce-for-my-friend-tersia/
We truly hope this is ok Tersia x
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My precious friend Shaun, Dawn and Dean – Thank you so much. It is an incredibly kind gesture, and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. You have so many of your own challenges to face on a daily basis and yet you still find it in you to reach out to me. Thank you. Vic was so scared that people would forget her and that she would just fade into oblivion. Thank you for keeping my precious child’s memory alive. Thank you for remembering her goodness and greatness. You have restored my faith in people. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
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I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words to make one feel better. Just know that I understand and know, myself, the impact of what losing a loved one does to a person. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you today. God Bless.
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Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I was devastated by your blog. It reminded me so much of the challenges Vic faced on a daily basis. Vic felt that she was abandoned by the world. She was petrified that doctors would think she was a hypochondriac. I have started transcribing all her notes . It was heartbreaking reading her words cataloging her pain, indignity, fear and abandonment. Hugs and gentle thoughts.
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Thank you Eddie. You and Shaun are amazing friends. I truly appreciate you helping keep my precious little girl’s memory alive. Thank you so much!!!
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You are loved! A beautiful person, a beautiful tribute in words. Ann
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Tersia, I believe in signs too and as another grieving mother, know how important it is when we receive one. I am glad you received a sign from Vic. Life without our daughters is unimaginable and I want to extend my sincerest sympathy.
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