Unimaginable pain


When my beautiful little girl exhaled her last breath, it felt as if my heart was ripped into a million pieces.

One year and 5 months have passed and my heart is still in a million pieces.  But, the pain is no longer that same raw pain.  Sometimes it is a sharp, searing pain; sometimes a dull heartbreaking pain.  At times I feel so alone, numb and at other times I am convinced that I will lose my mind with grief.

But, the pain is more “refined”.  It is no longer that raw, unbearable pain.

There are times that I feel that my nerve endings are exploding.  And yet, there any many things I can no longer remember.  I read today that it is my body is protecting me… I am grateful for it.  I am glad that I have forgotten some of the horror of Vic’s death.  I am clinging to the good days.

I went away with two friends last weekend.  It was amazing.  We laughed until we cried, we spoke about the death of our loved ones, we loved and supported one another.  The empathy stemmed from knowledge.

2013-08-25 11.34.27

On our first night in the mountains I dreamt of maggots.  There were maggots everywhere.  I tried to kill them, but they kept crawling out of everywhere.  I was scared and nauseous.  I am petrified of maggots!

To see maggots in your dream represent your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now “eating away” at you. You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance.

Maggots as true to their characters signify similar emotions in real life if appear in dreams. The strongest emotion the maggots dreamer having is the fear of its own death. You can say it as fear or curiosity related to death but the persistent thought of death can be the result of such type of dreams. Maggots in dream also signify that the person is far away from mental and spiritual peace which can prove harmful for him in many ways.
More:http://www.gotohoroscope.com/txt/dream-interpretation-maggots.html

A very common dream of maggots is to see them gathered around you and you are trying to remove them as quickly as possible. This you are trying to do with vacuum cleaner or burner or chemicals. All the dreams suggest the need of your brain to be free from nay complications and guilt. Your attempt to kill them shows that you want to bring thing back in order. This also means that you are facing some troubles in life and standing on your grounds to let it pass
More:http://www.gotohoroscope.com/txt/dream-interpretation-maggots.html

So, which one is it?

I do not fear death.  I fear dying in pain and indignity.  I fear being a burden to my loved ones.

I have often said that when I am dying I want to be dropped off at a hospice.  My loved ones must kiss me goodbye and leave.  I do not want them standing next to my bed watching me gasp for breath… I want a big sign put up above my bed that must read “Do not touch”.

I am facing difficulties in life.  So much has changed in the past 516 days.  I have lost more than my child.  I have lost being a mother.  I lost my best friend.  We lost our laughter… Judy reminisced this weekend about how Vic and the boys would laugh at night when they said goodnight.  I have lost others that I love because our pain collided.

Yet I am alive.  My life goes on despite the terrible void that Vic’s death left.  The boys are so amazing.  Soon Jared will attend his Matric farewell. Next year he will go to university… firsts that his mom will not be part of…I can just imagine the excitement if Vic had been around.

When you lose a child you get caught up in a maelström of grief.  The firsts never end.  Every morning the pain starts all over again.  The grieving never ends.

At a funeral I attended today the minister said “Grieve hard”.

I do.

.

Published by

tersiaburger

I am a sixty plenty wife, mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com

30 thoughts on “Unimaginable pain”

  1. Sending you a hug and remembering your beautiful daughter, Vic, every time I read your blog. I am happy to hear you enjoyed your weekend. I grieve hard too but even grief needs a timeout sometimes.

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  2. Grieve hard; Grieve long; Grieve deeply. Do not run from it. Do not treat yoir grief as a stranger you can send away or deny. Grieve honestly, Grieve patiently; Grieve lovingly, untill the cup is emptied. There is no other way back to wholeness, but by facing your grief.
    Well done Tertia. You are making great progress.

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  3. i will not say i know how you feel as to lose a child must be unlike any other pain. i will say that i think of you and vic every day and talk of you to those i know who have experienced this type of lose. to see you finding joy in life again is hopeful. you are so loved and loving my friend. if only there were words to offer you some relief i surely would.

    all i can say is i feel the waves from afar and send you love and hugs

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    1. As I said before – I do not read classics but your writing makes me WANT to read it… Thank you dear friend. You are so special and knowing that you care does make it easier on a strange level. Hugs..

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  5. I am glad in a small way you have managed to feel less pain Tersia, even if it’s just a little.
    Thinking of you from Scotland, as always..

    Shaun x

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  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what it is like to lose a child that you’ve shared a lifetime of memories with—but I can tell you that I can completely relate to how the pain changes over time. How it’s never consistent. It comes in waves. I’m not sure that I will ever follow the phrase “time heals all wounds.” I think that some days you just have less salt thrown on them. Some days I hurt like my son died yesterday. I can relive every feeling, every second as if it’s happening now. Then, other days, it’s there, just not as piercing. I also want you to know that I relate to the relationship you appeared to have with your daughter. My mom and I are close and I most definitely see her as my best friend. I can cry right now just knowing that someday I will have no choice but to say goodbye to her. As a mother who has lost a child I can tell you that I understand the heartache you are going through. That you are the mom—that you are the one person who should be able to protect them from harm. If only our love was enough to protect them from hurt or illness, right? Our situations are so different, yet so very similar. As a daughter I can tell you that your Vic would be so comforted knowing that you’re there for her children when she can’t be-at least in the physical sense. I’m sure that you’re love for her will be reflected in the moments you spend with her kids and that they will carry that along with them for a lifetime. And, as hard as it may have been for you to watch her be sick, and to be there for her last moments, no matter how powerless you felt to help her— I have no doubt that she was at peace having you by her side. I’m an adult and I still want my mommy when I don’t feel well. Good moms are something special. They have a way of making you feel better even in the hardest times. A comfort that no one else can provide. We may not know each other but I get the feeling that you are one of those caring, loving moms. I have no doubt that if she can miss you, she does. If she can visit you, or watch over you, she will. And that if you talk to her, she’s listening. That she will always be by your side and in your heart. Thank you for sharing your story and your daughter with the world. I take comfort from knowing that I’m not alone in my grief. Thank you and hugs to you!

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    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful reply, I know Vic is at peace but I miss her so much! It is a sad world we live in. It almost feels as if it is a world without hope. Thank you for sharing your story with the world! I will think of you often and hope that soon you will hear the patter of little feet in your home. Not a replacement of Rylan just a sibling of his…

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  8. Wonderful post. I am happy that the pain is easing some my friend. You are often in my thoughts and prayers. It is wonderful to see you here. May light and love fill you to brimming. Many blessings, Barbara

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      1. I really do care. I lost my husband 19 years ago. There is still in my heart. If you ever need to talk, I am here. I can send my number to you. Hugs, Barbara

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  12. First of all let me tell you that my heart is with you because of your loss.

    Secondly I hope I do not say something to add to your pain but I need to share a thought that I am hoping might help a little if anything can help at all.

    I am 76 years old and I think about death a lot because I know I am getting to the point where I really need to be thinking about it.

    I used to have such a dread and such a fear of dying that I cannot explain to you or anyone how it tortured me to think about it.

    Then one day I remembered the story in The Bible about how God had created everything that was created and when He had finished creating everything He looked at all He had created and said, “It is good!”

    So I started thinking to myself, “God created everything. He created Life and He created Death and both of these things are part of the things God created.

    Now if God looked upon all the things He created and He said they are good that must mean that Life and Death are both good in some mysterious fashion.

    Then I started to think that maybe there is something about death that we do not fully understand and that whatever it is that we don’t understand must be something good and not something frightful.

    There is another scripture that says something like, “All things work together for good for those who love God and who are called according to His purposes.”

    Then I got to thinking, “Maybe there is something God has prepared for us on the other side of that door we refer to as death and maybe it is a lot better than we can imagine.

    So I don’t really fear dying anymore because I am confident that God has prepared something good for me on the other side of Life. I cannot say that I am always faithful to this a hundred percent because I am human and I do backtrack sometimes and get doubts stirred up again – – but then after a period of that kind of thinking – – the clouds part again and things are a little rosier for me about death and dying.

    I know this might seem awfully forward of me and I surely do not want to offend you with anything I might say here. I truly wish something I could say could help comfort you in your grief – – and I am offering these words as my humble attempt to simply tell you that I am sorry for your great loss and please know that my constant prayer for you will be that you can eventually come to a place where you can enjoy the best that life has to offer.

    I apologize that I am not good at this sort of talking but know that my intent is good and I do wish the best for you because of what you have suffered by the loss of your loved one.

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    1. Dear John, What a lovely and caring comment. Thank you for sharing your fears and feelings with me. I started a Hospice in Vic’s honour after she died. (It was her dying wish). I have stood next to roughly 80+ deathbeds this year and am confident in sharing the following with you.

      Everyone fears death. In the garden of Gethsemane, shortly before his arrest, Jesus becomes “greatly distressed and troubled” and says to his disciples, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.” He moves some distance from them, falls to the ground, and prays “that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him”. Mark records his words: “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will” (Mk. 14:32-36; cf. Matt. 26:36-39; Lk. 22:41-44).

      I have witnessed the soul leaving the body. The first time I saw it was when my Vic died. She was exquisitely beautiful in death. Her face was stripped of all pain and peaceful. When she died all that was left of her was a bundle of bones… Since then I have seen this so many times that it is totally reassuring. I KNOW with every fibre in my body and soul that there is life hereafter. I believe that this thing that we call life is purgatory… I personally do not fear death as I KNOW I will be reunited with my precious child. I fear the manner in which I will die…the indignity of the dying process.

      Thank you for caring and this amazing comment. I think I will always grieve for my precious child. I miss her presence, her laughter, the joy of seeing the sun in her hair.

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      1. I feel you will see the sun in her hair again, dear soul – – – on that beautiful celestial shore – – where there will be tears but for a moment and then they shall all be wiped away and all that will remain will be joy forevermore.

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  13. Hello .. just stopping by because you commented ages ago on a blog post of mine, called An Open Letter to Grief. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve written a short e-book based on that post, called Letters to Grief, and it’s available today through Friday for FREE on Amazon. Based on your comment a while back, I wondered if it might be of interest to you?

    Here is the link, if you’d like to check it out!

    Thanks so much .. blessings on the rest of your week!

    Kate

    katemotaung.com

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  15. No one has a timetable on grief…no one can tell another to stop grieving…the deeper the love, the harder the loss, I think…My Mom was in my life for 60 years…it has been 6 years since she is gone and even now as I write this to you, I have tears in my eyes. The one consolation I have is to know that I am able to love and be loved…As someone said to me once, “A heart that loves much, suffers much…”

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