Tonight I gave my beautiful Vicky permission to die.
Vic’s pain is increasing. I believe the sepsis in her spine has spread. The back pain is devastating. Also the abdominal sepsis is so much worse. In January the wound “popped” once a month and little bits of pus came out. Five months later the pus pours out – every day…
Vic is spending more and more time in bed. The first words she utters when I wake her in the mornings ( or any time of the day or night) is “Mommy I am not feeling well…”
Tonight she asked me what would kill her…I guessed that it would be an obstruction. She said “that will be so sore”
My dearest child
My heart breaks when I look at you. Your eyes reflect your fear, acceptance of the inevitable, rebellion and pain. The morphine dulls your dark eyes…
It is so difficult seeing you in so much pain…the times when you are bent double from pain. My heart breaks when I see how you are still trying to care for your family. If only the boys knew how many tears it takes to make a sandwich…Many a time when you are sobbing from pain I see the boys pretending to sleep – as if shutting their eyes can block out your sobs… I see the helplessness in Colin’s eyes when he looks at you. It is soul destroying!!!
It is at times like this that I cry out “How much longer God? When will her suffering end?” But then I look at the Christmas tree and the Christmas lights and beg “Just one more Christmas please God!”
With the obstruction I fear that you will not make it. The morphine aggravates the situation! When will you develop another fistula? It is only a matter of time. How time do we have left?
I wish I could just hold you and protect you against the pain and death. If it was a bullet I would take it for you but how do I protect you against your own body? How can your body betray you like this?
In my mind’s eye I see you lying on a bed, strapped in, poison flowing through your veins… You are dying