IMG_8481I am a mess.  I have cried myself to sleep every night this past week.  I tear up without reason.

I have this indescribable longing to see my child, hold her and be with her.  I went onto Vic’s Facebook and went through all her photos.  Most of the photos on her FB are “tagged” photos of mine.  I went through the photos and “spoke” to Vic.  I remembered the wonderful mother and daughter that she was.  I looked at her journey, the amount of photos where she is in bed with the boys lying with her.  The sad thing is that it is truly only the tip of the iceberg.

I found this note on her FB that I had never seen before.   Vic posted this 3 days before my dad died.

17 May 2011 at 23:37

Today Hospice came to access my Grandfather… They dripped him & made him comfortable. He has lost his swallowing reflex, sleeps most of the day, is completely bedridden & can barely talk… The suddenness of his deterioration is very difficult to comprehend. Please could you all say a big prayer for my Gramps and especially my Mom, who lost her best friend of 25 years, age 51 due to a heart attack last Tues. My Mother is one of the strongest, bravest people I know.. How do we say goodbye, how do I take my Boys to say their Goodbyes tomorrow, how do we accept that this incredible man has such little time left regardless of the fact that we all know that its best for him. How can I be strong for my babies when my heart breaks all over again, every day when I see him… Especially my Eunice Friends, you will all remember how desperately my Gramps and Gran loved and spoilt me and how VERY MUCH they meant to me… I don’t want to live without him even though I realise that is extremely selfish, but I love my Grandfather so desperately, It’s not fair… All I ask for is compassion… Compassion for Gramps and my Mother… Thank you to everyone for all your love & support through everything… Love Vic.

Vic and her Gramps
Vic and her Gramps

I understood Vic’s agony of saying goodbye to us better… I have doubted our decision to sedate her during the last few days of her life… Reading this today I was filled with gratitude that we did.  I remembered her emotional agony when her friends left after a visit…  I remember her clinging to Danie and crying “Don’t leave me daddy.  I am scared…”  I am grateful that she gently slipped away without knowing or fearing what lies beyond…

I wonder whether she is around us?  I wonder if she is peaceful and happy?  I wonder if she misses us as desperately as we miss her.

Mothersday 2012
Mothersday 2012

Yesterday a friend of mine celebrated her 60th birthday.  Her daughter posted a beautiful letter on her FB page.  Tears started trickling down my cheeks.  I will never receive another birthday card or wish from Vic.  I will never celebrate another Mother’s Day with Vic and neither will her boys!!

Mothersday 2005
Mothersday 2005

Oh dear God will this agony every stop?



29 days – Promises Kept

My beautiful Angle Child

Today it was 29 long miserable days since you stopped breathing.

I have continued to breathe, walk, talk, eat, drink tea; I have attended meetings, cried and even laughed.  My life has continued yet part of me is dead.  I have lost my words today.  I just want to have a cup of tea with you.  I want to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you.

Promises Kept

I’ve kept my promise,
of what I would do.
To continue to live,
my life without you.

I get up each morning,
I get through the day
struggling past tears,
every step of the way.

I go on with life with,
a forced happy face.
My heart aches badly,
for what I can’t replace.

I don’t know what to do,
to deaden this pain
It’s so hard, here without you,
where I must remain.

But I will keep my promise
and I must believe,
That you’ll be there waiting,
when it’s my time to leave.