37 years on death row 19.6.2012


Today was a day out of hell for Vicky.  She is deadly pale – she actually has a ghost like appearance.  She was so ill that she was unable to take pain medication and now her pain is out of control.

If I am having a hard time with this how must this poor child feel?  HOW CAN SHE CARRY ON???

Jared has withdrawn completely!   Rene, Jared’s councillor managed to speak to Jon-Daniel today.   He is in total denial!  He said “My Mom is a miracle.  She was not supposed to live past the age of 12 The doctors said she would die when she fell pregnant with my brother and me and she is still alive.  Lots of times they said she would die…She will get better again”

At first I was filled with disbelief and then I realized with a shock that Jon-Daniel is right!  A couple of weeks ago I bumped into an ex-business partner.  When he inquired after Vic’s health I said that she was desperately ill and that I thought that the end was near.  Frik laughed and said “that is what you said 15 years ago when she was pregnant with her eldest son…”

Reading some of the pre-blog stuff that I wrote and when I look in my Bible there are markings “Vic ICU“, “Vic critical”, etc etc etc.

Vic has been on death row all her life.  I know we start dying the day we are born but for most of our lives we are oblivious to the fact.  At funerals we may think of our own mortality but for the rest of it we think we are invincible.  Jon-Daniel thinks his Mom is invincible.

A colleague asked me earlier today what he should pray for when he prays for Vic.  I replied “Mercy”.  When I got home tonight and I saw this tiny, pitiful little bundle doubled over from the pain,  I panicked and thought to myself “What if Jon-Daniel is right and she gets better again?”

If there is a God He will release my poor child from this dreadful life!  It is an inhuman existence that not even an animal deserves.  If Vic had been an animal she would have been put out of her misery a long time ago!!  God does not have to heal her.  He does not even have to take all her pain away.  If she could just have SOME quality of life…some pain free time with her boys… Please God hear my prayer!

Vic is truly a prisoner of pain and despair 15.6.2012


My heart nearly stopped when I walked into Vic’s room this morning.  She looked as if she had died.  Vic had had a terrible night and actually, a terrible day too.

Today, I again realized that Vic is truly a prisoner of pain and despair.  For 36 years she has held onto life, against all odds.  Poor precious child.  I cannot help but ask the question “Why was Vic dealt such horrible cards in life?”  Surely there must of been people more worthy of this tortuous life???   Oh yes, the purification process… Surely we have been through the melting ovens enough – if we have not  been purified by now it will never happen!  Now whoever brought this upon us – please move along!!  It is someone  elses’s turn.

Vic once said to me that if she believed in reincarnation she may have understood her life.  She would then have believed that she was Pontius Pilate in her her previous life…

If I could change places with my child I would.  If by any magic I could take over her pain and misery – even for a couple of hours, I would.  I can’t!!!!!

“Where there is life there is hope”.  Who came up with that stupid cliche?  Vic has hoped and prayed for so long!  Everyone has prayed for her.  People from all continents and across all religions and denominations have prayed for her to be healed.  She has been anointed with oil.  And then there are those religious know-it-all’s who claim that the sins of our forefathers have brought this curse upon Vic.  What absolute hogwash!  How can people, who believe in a God of Mercy, make such a statement??  Either there is a God of Mercy and a Son who died for our sins or there isn’t!  You cannot have it both ways!

Walk in our shoes for one day before you make such cold, uncaring, loveless statements.   Look at Vic’s beautiful sons and then YOU, oh righteous, pious one,  tell them that Vic’s journey is because of a curse cast on her by the God that they trust and love…

We’re all on a journey toward death anyway – how we get there, and what we’re able to do in that time is the important thing. But all journeys have an end.  I pray that Vic’s journey will end! ImageImage

Image

May God have mercy of your soul… 30.5.2012


I started this blog because I don’t trust myself to talk.  If I start crying I may not stop.  Actually I don’t have too many people to talk to.  For the past 10 years we have been waiting for Vic to die.  Initially, I think,  people believe, that holding a dying person’s hand in the final hours is  “romantic” but then the person doesn’t die…and the world moves along.  People carry on with their own lives.  That is just the way it is.  People battle to handle the emotion, the waiting, the suffering.  And it is okay for them to move on.

It is not only other peoples fault’s.  I don’t have time to visit, go for coffee, phone…  It is a constant juggle between Vic, the boys, work, hospital, pain clinic, family.  Many of my old friends must think I deserted them.  Maybe I have but time in every which way has deserted me.

I have been moved by old friends and acquaintances sending me messages of support.  Thank you all.  I had no idea that people would actually read my blog.

Earlier today I read an blog written by Michael Wolff, a writer,  where he beautifully articulates this dreadful struggle to die. He writes about witnessing a loved one’s inexorably slow, modern-medicine-propped decline and suffering that endlessly stops short of death. It is so true.  I cried. http://www.caring.com/blogs/fyi-daily/the-long-long-too-long-goodbye

Good news!  Prof Froehlich phoned yesterday and said that Vic and her situation has haunted her.  She will do an experimental “procedure” on Vic next week.  Monday to Friday Vic will go to theatre for 5 hours a day for a Ketamine/Lithium/something else infusion.  Hopefully it will erase the “pain memory bank” and her body will lose some of its opiate resistance.  That will be so merciful!!  Vic takes 400mg of morphine, in tablet form, twice a day.  She also takes Stilpayne, Panado, Degrenol, Neurontin, Buscopan, cortisone twice a day with 25ml morphine syrup every 4 hours for breakthrough pain.  The meds is not what is causing her sleeping.

Vic sleeps 95% of the time.  When she is awake it is to whimper or vomit.

Jared has started to display symptoms of severe stress.  His school marks are dropping and he doesn’t sleep.  Like me, he is awake every couple of hours to check on his Mom.  Jon-Daniel doesn’t talk.  He just carries on.  I worry about him – how will he handle The Day, when it comes?

In the movies the Judge says, when handing down the death sentence: “May God have Mercy on your soul” – I pray that God will have Mercy on our souls.  Especially on Vic and the Boys souls…