Dying is a lonely journey. 31.5.2012


We had a good day!  Vic was up for a bit – she even went to pick up Jon-Daniel from school.  It was the first time in 7 weeks that she has driven.  It could not have happened on a better day.  At 09:30 this morning Jared BBM’d me asking me to come pick up Jon-Daniel from school.  He passed Jon-Daniel in the passage and Jon-Daniel was crying.  Jon-Daniel said he was worried about his Mom!

Vicky dragging her sick body to school to pick up Jon-Daniel defused today.

Vic received beautiful messages from Tatum and Muriel today.  It meant so much to her.  Dying is a lonely journey.  Vic inability to function as a healthy person has isolated her from the world.  Even when people come to visit she is often sleeps through the visit.

I was rubbing cream into her little feet tonight and she looked down and said “Mommy, my head and feet are really quite close together…”  We just packed up laughing!

I remember in 2007 when Vic was so desperately ill, I said to her that my heart hurts all the time.  That I think of her every second of the day and that life did not feel worth living.  Vic replied: “Oh Mommy that is so sad!  At least once a week the boys and I laugh so much that my tummy hurts from laughing!”

Things that I take for granted is an EVENT in Vic’s life…laughing, having coffee in bed with her boys, tucking them in, fetching them from school…  I love this beautiful, brave child of mine.

Please God let tomorrow be another good day!

This photo was taken on 27.3.2010

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May God have mercy of your soul… 30.5.2012


I started this blog because I don’t trust myself to talk.  If I start crying I may not stop.  Actually I don’t have too many people to talk to.  For the past 10 years we have been waiting for Vic to die.  Initially, I think,  people believe, that holding a dying person’s hand in the final hours is  “romantic” but then the person doesn’t die…and the world moves along.  People carry on with their own lives.  That is just the way it is.  People battle to handle the emotion, the waiting, the suffering.  And it is okay for them to move on.

It is not only other peoples fault’s.  I don’t have time to visit, go for coffee, phone…  It is a constant juggle between Vic, the boys, work, hospital, pain clinic, family.  Many of my old friends must think I deserted them.  Maybe I have but time in every which way has deserted me.

I have been moved by old friends and acquaintances sending me messages of support.  Thank you all.  I had no idea that people would actually read my blog.

Earlier today I read an blog written by Michael Wolff, a writer,  where he beautifully articulates this dreadful struggle to die. He writes about witnessing a loved one’s inexorably slow, modern-medicine-propped decline and suffering that endlessly stops short of death. It is so true.  I cried. http://www.caring.com/blogs/fyi-daily/the-long-long-too-long-goodbye

Good news!  Prof Froehlich phoned yesterday and said that Vic and her situation has haunted her.  She will do an experimental “procedure” on Vic next week.  Monday to Friday Vic will go to theatre for 5 hours a day for a Ketamine/Lithium/something else infusion.  Hopefully it will erase the “pain memory bank” and her body will lose some of its opiate resistance.  That will be so merciful!!  Vic takes 400mg of morphine, in tablet form, twice a day.  She also takes Stilpayne, Panado, Degrenol, Neurontin, Buscopan, cortisone twice a day with 25ml morphine syrup every 4 hours for breakthrough pain.  The meds is not what is causing her sleeping.

Vic sleeps 95% of the time.  When she is awake it is to whimper or vomit.

Jared has started to display symptoms of severe stress.  His school marks are dropping and he doesn’t sleep.  Like me, he is awake every couple of hours to check on his Mom.  Jon-Daniel doesn’t talk.  He just carries on.  I worry about him – how will he handle The Day, when it comes?

In the movies the Judge says, when handing down the death sentence: “May God have Mercy on your soul” – I pray that God will have Mercy on our souls.  Especially on Vic and the Boys souls…

That will be so sore… 6.5.2012


Tonight I gave my beautiful Vicky permission to die.

Vic’s pain is increasing.  I believe the sepsis in her spine has spread. The back pain is devastating.  Also the abdominal sepsis is so much worse.  In January the wound “popped” once a month and little bits of pus came out.  Five months later the pus pours out – every day…

Vic is spending more and more time in bed.  The first words she utters when I wake her in the mornings ( or any time of the day or night) is “Mommy I am not feeling well…”

Tonight she asked me what would kill her…I guessed that it would be an obstruction.  She said “that will be so sore”Image

My dearest child 27.11.2003


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My dearest child

My heart breaks when I look at you.  Your eyes reflect your fear, acceptance of the inevitable, rebellion and pain.  The morphine dulls your dark eyes…

It is so difficult seeing you in so much pain…the times when you are bent double from pain.  My heart breaks when I see how you are still trying to care for your family.  If only the boys knew how many tears it takes to make a sandwich…Many a time when you are sobbing from pain I see the boys pretending to sleep – as if shutting their eyes can block out your sobs…  I see the helplessness in Colin’s eyes when he looks at you.   It is soul destroying!!!

It is at times like this that I cry out “How much longer God?  When will her suffering end?”  But then I look at the Christmas tree and the Christmas lights and beg “Just one more Christmas please God!”

With the obstruction I fear that you will not make it.  The morphine aggravates the situation!  When will you develop another fistula?  It is only a matter of time.  How time do we have left?

I wish I could just hold you and protect you against the pain and death.  If it was a bullet I would take it for you but how do I protect you against your own body?  How can your body betray you like this?

In my mind’s eye I see you lying on a bed, strapped in, poison flowing through your veins… You are dyingImage