Today I felt as if I was at the end of my tether. Becoming a mom is a full time job. Maybe I must just adjust to the different routine and responsibilities. Up until a week before her death Vic was responsible for the boys. Sure, I did a lot of running around but Vic was my main responsibility. I was comfortable with our routine of waking, breakfast, showering, meds, nap, wake, lunch …… Vic would push the boys to do homework and their chores.
I hate “moaning”….If the boys needed to be pulled into line I would just whisper in Vic’s ear and she would sort them out. I could “ooch and gooch” and make soothing sounds…. I was the Oumie!!
Now I am the responsible person. The bucket stops with me!
Don’t get me wrong. The boys are amazing human beings. Jared has however started battling with maths and as he wants to study Information Technology, he needs higher grade maths. His maths mark is pathetic and he will never get accepted into a good university with a low maths mark. So we decided on extra maths lessons….
Jon-Daniel wants to study medicine and needs a maths mark in the upper 90’s to be accepted as a medical student. His marks are in the upper 80’s – good but not good enough. So we decided on extra maths lessons….
So the boys need to spend an extra hour and a half, per day, on maths…. They have busy programs! Mondays and Wednesday is archery and cricket. Tuesdays and Fridays extra maths and we try to get to the gym 4 days a week…. Wednesday nights they have to visit their dad.
Long story short – the extra maths is being neglected. Last week my Saudi partner was here and for 8 days we were in back to back meetings from early morning until late at night. I did not mark the maths, but Danie promised to do so! Today to my shock I discovered it had not been done!
I started marking the maths and as I went the angrier I became! I was angry with the slap-dash manner in which the maths had been done. I was angry that I was marking ~@£&~# maths papers and not caring for my child. I was angry with Danie for not doing what he promised to do. I was angry with the boys for not doing their maths properly, but mostly I was angry with Vic. I was angry that she died and that I now have to fulfill her role!
This is not frigging fair. I want our lives back. I want my child back….
It is not really true. I am grateful that her suffering is over. My mind is blocking out the memories of how desperately ill she was. I am remembering the good moments only. I am grateful that I blogged or else I would lose my mind. I read and reread the horror of Vic’s suffering just to wonder “was it really this bad?” I know it was as bad as I am reading if not worse.
Today I join Steven Callahan, someone who can attest to choosing against the odds. Steven Callahan, survived 76 days adrift in a broken boat. He ate barnacles and did yoga, tossed in a leaky boat: “I now have a choice: to pilot myself to a new life or to give up and watch myself die. I choose to kick as long as I can.”
I must kick! I MUST survive! For the boys sake!