Happy Birthday my Angel Child 31.8.1974 – 18.1.2013


Happy birthday my precious Angel Child.

I wonder whether you were excited about your birthday?  Do you still celebrate your birthdays or do you celebrate the day your pain and suffering ended?

I miss you so much, sweetheart.  Although I still cry for you almost every day I honor your legacy every single day of my life.  What a community changer you were…  Through your suffering, almost 1400 people have received love, dignity, and quality of life.

Would I rather have had a healthy child?  YES!!!!  But this was our destiny and out of our control.  Your suffering led us onto a path that we would not have chosen voluntarily.

So my little Angel, tonight we will have a dinner and talk about you the entire evening.  We will do your birthday eulogy as we did all the years you lived.  We will talk about your stoic bravery.  We will laugh about your idiosyncrasies, your inability to remember or tell a joke.  We will remember your ability to smile through your pain.  We will hear your voice saying “I am fine”.

We will cry for your empty seat at the table and the huge void in our hearts.

Someone asked me whether it ever gets any easier and I could only say “No”.

The pain has not gone away.  The pain will never go away.  The longing for another “tomorrow with you” will never go away…  Every morning is a stark reminder that another “tomorrow has broken”.

But Baby Girl, I looked at old photos of you tonight and the dreadful pain in your eyes was a harsh reminder of your suffering.  I am seldom not awake at 2 O Clock in the morning…injection time.  I am haunted by your whimpers of pain, your tears when you say “Help me, Mommy.  I cannot handle the pain anymore”.  My feelings of helplessness.

I was talking to someone yesterday (about you) and she said “I could never see my child in so much pain.  I would take him out.  I would not be able to handle it…”

Did I ever consider it?  You know I did.  You begged me to do it.  But in the dark of night, there was always a remote possibility that “tomorrow” would be better.  Sometimes it was.

But today is not about me and my grief.  Today is the reminder of the happiest day of my life – the day I held you in my arms for the first time.  Know, that I will always love you.  .

You will always be the highlight of my life – my greatest joy.  Know that I am at peace that your suffering is over.

But always know that I wish your life was different.

I hope and pray that you have found the peace that eternity is supposed to bring

Happy birthday my angel.

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Two years today


Our last coffee shop outing...
Our last coffee shop outing…

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My precious Angel Child

Two years ago I lay next to you listening to your laboured breathing. You lay motionless in your bed. Your hands and feet were ice-cold. Your body was burning up with fever. Daddy and I counting the seconds between your breaths. My hand on your little heart and my head next to yours.

I remember whispering how much I love you; that there was nothing to be scared of…I felt your heart beat getting weaker and weaker; your breathing becoming more shallow by the minute.
When your little heart stopped beating my heart broke into a million pieces. As your soul soared mine plummeted into a hell hole of grief and despair.

I knew that it would be hard but nothing in the world could have prepared me for the pain that followed. My heart aches for you and I would give anything to hold you one more time. To hear that mischievous giggle…

We miss you so much. Our family will never be the same again.

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Our Hearts Will Always Touch


Our Hearts Will Always Touch by Ranja Kujala (Changed)

When I laid there beside you,
Could you feel me there?
My arms were wrapped around you,
And I was stroking your hair.

I was talking about all the good times,
For me they were every single day.
I wanted you to feel love and comfort,
Be happy in some way.

I watched your every breath,
And prayed that each one wasn’t your last.
The time we got to share together,
Went by too quick…Too fast.

I wanted you to wake up,
Please Vic…Open your eyes.
Tell me this is a nightmare,
And not our goodbyes.

As your last breath grew closer,
We lay there peacefully together.
My heart continually breaking,
Because I wanted you forever.

Then there it was,
Your final breath of air.
I didn’t want to believe it,
It was so cruel and not fair.

I held your beautiful face,
And prayed you’d breath again.
I wasn’t ready for you to go,
I couldn’t admit that this was the end.

But then I realized that you were now in peace,
And not suffering anymore.
You were beginning the life of an Angel,
And your body would no longer be sore.

I held you close and squeezed you tight,
And tried to say goodbye.
I’ve lost my child and my number one best friend,
All my heart could do is cry.

I slowly got up,
I wanted so much to stay.
I leaned over and gave you one more kiss,
It was so hard to walk away.

Vic you were my entire world,
And I miss you so very much.
I wish I could feel your loveable cuddle,
And your soft and gentle touch.

But for now I have to wait,
Until we meet again.
You will always be in my heart and thoughts,
My precious child and best friend.

Always and Forever,
Our hearts will always touch.
Always and Forever,
Baby girl Mommy loves you so much

Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/our-hearts-will-always-touch#ixzz3EphiuOal
Family Friend Poems

In memory of Vicky by Dennis McHale


Tonight I visited the blog of a brilliant blogger Dennis McHale who writes hauntingly beautiful poetry.  I read through a number of his poems, very aware of the man own personal pain, when I came across this tribute to Vic that Dennis posted on the 2nd of May 2013.  Reading it, I was as touched as I was then…  Thank you Dennis.

I hope that one day I will read happiness in your words.

MAY 2, 2013

In Memory of Vicky

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This poem is dedicated to my dear friend “tersiaburger”
In memory of her beloved daughter, Vicky.

——————————————————————-

You and I
are touched by one star.

Wherever you are
we stand together in one light
which no depth or height or distance
can ever dim.

Wherever you are
your light shines;
past time and space
past flesh to thought,
I feel your power.

Wherever you go
the day will dawn
and the star will appear;
for you are a child of this light
and it fosters your heavenly dreams.

In this light, I have found ways
to heal, to bind up,
to tear down the feeble structures
of fear of your absence has
carelessly constructed within me.

You and I
are touched by one star.

In its glowing embrace
we find our true selves;
we find our peace.

Today I may stand alone,

missing you with all my heart
be I stand strong.
Through the corridors of our courage
you have helped me to
discover those eternal lines
of love within myself;
my birthright discovered because

Vicky and I are
touched by one star.

http://dlmchale.com/2013/05/02/in-memory-of-vicky/

 

Wave Of Emotions ©Stacy Lynn Stiles


A tidal wave of emotions,
have sent my soul out to sea.
Crashing currents submersing,
what once was you and me.

Drifting afar distantly,
a glimpse of precious time.
While I held you close to me,
singing your favourite rhyme.

Rocking gently back and forth,
arms encircling you whole.
Lips pressed upon sweet innocence,
your cries I did console.

Praying the Lord may keep you;
wash your troubles away.
Hoping a bond forever remains,
the same tomorrow as today.

Splashing scents of adorable purity;
upon your mother’s face.
I draw you closer, your tiny being;
and even tighter I embrace.

Consumed with pure admiration,
at the woman you’ve became.
Beautiful imperfections,
your absence chastised me numb.

Although I know you had to,
spread those vast angelic wings.
I still can hear the laughter,
of a child’s heart that proudly sings.

These crashing, violent riptides;
will soon turn a peaceful wave.
Knowing the life I gave you,
is the life in me which you did save.

This current of my heart, is perfectly;
in synch with every beat.
A perfect bond between us;
without your love, I’m incomplete.

http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/tidal-wave-of-emotions
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If tomorrow starts without me


This played just before Vic’s memorial service started. A deadly silence descended in the church as we all sat crying for this precious child of mine. I listen to this often. I still cry when I hear the words that Vic could have spoken. How I miss my precious child.

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I’d have to leave behind;
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for, So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I’d say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, “This is eternity, And all I’ve promised you.”
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last,
And since each day’s the same way,
There’s no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful, So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
You knew you shouldn’t do.
But you have been forgiven, And now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand, And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me, Don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me, I’m right here, in your heart.

Jared♡ĶįƦƧƳ.Ș♡(1)