Happy Birthday my Angel Child 31.8.1974 – 18.1.2013


Happy birthday my precious Angel Child.

I wonder whether you were excited about your birthday?  Do you still celebrate your birthdays or do you celebrate the day your pain and suffering ended?

I miss you so much, sweetheart.  Although I still cry for you almost every day I honor your legacy every single day of my life.  What a community changer you were…  Through your suffering, almost 1400 people have received love, dignity, and quality of life.

Would I rather have had a healthy child?  YES!!!!  But this was our destiny and out of our control.  Your suffering led us onto a path that we would not have chosen voluntarily.

So my little Angel, tonight we will have a dinner and talk about you the entire evening.  We will do your birthday eulogy as we did all the years you lived.  We will talk about your stoic bravery.  We will laugh about your idiosyncrasies, your inability to remember or tell a joke.  We will remember your ability to smile through your pain.  We will hear your voice saying “I am fine”.

We will cry for your empty seat at the table and the huge void in our hearts.

Someone asked me whether it ever gets any easier and I could only say “No”.

The pain has not gone away.  The pain will never go away.  The longing for another “tomorrow with you” will never go away…  Every morning is a stark reminder that another “tomorrow has broken”.

But Baby Girl, I looked at old photos of you tonight and the dreadful pain in your eyes was a harsh reminder of your suffering.  I am seldom not awake at 2 O Clock in the morning…injection time.  I am haunted by your whimpers of pain, your tears when you say “Help me, Mommy.  I cannot handle the pain anymore”.  My feelings of helplessness.

I was talking to someone yesterday (about you) and she said “I could never see my child in so much pain.  I would take him out.  I would not be able to handle it…”

Did I ever consider it?  You know I did.  You begged me to do it.  But in the dark of night, there was always a remote possibility that “tomorrow” would be better.  Sometimes it was.

But today is not about me and my grief.  Today is the reminder of the happiest day of my life – the day I held you in my arms for the first time.  Know, that I will always love you.  .

You will always be the highlight of my life – my greatest joy.  Know that I am at peace that your suffering is over.

But always know that I wish your life was different.

I hope and pray that you have found the peace that eternity is supposed to bring

Happy birthday my angel.

90968f1abf4dd596b81fe0737256e7ab-heavens-brother

Vic’s legacy – her story


I have not posted in a long time.  I keep thinking up posts but I never seem to have writing time.  I do dream of having time to write my book.  No, let me rather rearticulate that…I dream of having time to attempt writing a book that will capture the pain and indignity that my little girl suffered.  The book must portray the immeasurable value of her legacy.  It is not only a huge responsibility and project but the fulfillment of the deathbed promise I made.

On Saturday I spoke, at a fundraiser, about the story behind the starting of Stepping Stone Hospice.  I was given 20 minutes but I think I took much longer.  I wanted people to meet Vicky.  The “healthy”, carefree child/woman with a heart full of hope.  I wanted people to see how during the last 10 years of her life she was stripped of so much.

And, when she realized that there was no more hope to feed on…

I did not have the time to talk about the bedsores that developed the last day, the fact that I did not know I had to turn her every two hours… I wanted people to understand the helplessness her boys felt seeing their mother in so much relentless pain.  The trauma they experienced seeing Vic live through the pain, the indignity of the disease, her quiet resolve of accepting “it was over”.

It felt almost “clinical”.

How do I begin to share the horror of my child’s journey?  My horror of seeing her being wrapped in a plastic sheet… the horror of knowing that we lost the battle? The “now” nightmare of being able to sleep and wake up in tears because I miss her so much…

For so many years I did not sleep because I was scared I would not hear her.  Physically and mentally I was exhausted.  Now…I do sleep but my soul is tired.

I must capture the heartlessness of the medical profession; the lack of counseling;  the importance of hope…  I must capture the bravery of a tiny little girl fighting for just one more day – one day at a time.

But most importantly I must fight to keep Vic’s legacy alive.  I have to make a difference so that, in Vic’s words, “no one will suffer like I did.”

90968f1abf4dd596b81fe0737256e7ab-heavens-brother

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“Time takes us farther away…”


I have battled to blog. I feel that my words are rehashed from one post to the next. My emotions are the same.

My DiL and the three girls have spent 3 weeks in South Africa. It has been amazing hearing the patter of little feet down the passages, shrieks of laughter and anger… I will always cherish the little arms around my neck, the warm little bodies in my bed. I cherish the time I got to spend with my DiL; the chats into the early hours of the morning and the countless cups of tea. It reminded me of when Vic was still alive. I dread leaving England on Monday to return to my solitude and grief.

I feel guilty about posting my same tearful stories of grief and I feel guilty that I have become embarrassed by exposing my soul to the world – friend and foe alike.

The past four weeks life has been easier. I have laughed and smiled. I have had fun.

In 8 days’ time it is Vic’s birthday. I am filled with trepidation as to how I will cope. The second I think of Vic, tears well up in my eyes and there is this stabbing pain in my heart. I have decided that I will not move Vic’s ashes into the garden. Vic will remain on the sideboard where I can see her and run my hand over her little casket. Vic will not be exiled into the garden. She is part of our lives and she will remain exactly where she is.

I am wondering whether I should bake Vic favourite chocolate cake… The boys want to send up Chinese Lanterns we actually wrote messages on, on New Year’s Eve 2010. Vic was desperately ill in hospital and moved into ICU on the 1st of January 2010. She was devastated. The staff allowed us to spend the evening with her.

Vic being moved to ICU on New Years Day 1

At 12 O Clock we went outside to send up the Chinese lanterns. It rained and we undertook to do it when Vic was home again. Somehow we never did. When we returned to the ward, the staff had assembled in the visitors lounge. Someone had conducted a Mid-Night service. The staff sang beautifully and prayed for the patients. Many of them laid hands on Vic. Vic cried. Jon-Daniel was inconsolable. We all cried.

One of my blogger friend’s sent me this email “Oh, Tersia. You are held tight in the grip of horrific grief. Simply knowing that someday you will wrench free from such a suffocating grasp brings no relief at this moment. You already know you cannot fight it. Flow with the “ocean of tears.” A great deal of the horror is behind you, but you are reliving it. I distinctly remember that the WORST time in my grief came at six months and followed me until the end of the first year. Like an amputation without anaesthesia – you are deeply suffering and so many people feel your pain. Keep writing, crying and feeling. The ocean of tears will take you to a new shore. Time takes us farther away from our loved one. That is the agony and the anaesthesia. Such conflict that creates! Feel my hug because I’m with you.” http://judyunger.wordpress.com/

Another one of my blogger friends, Julie, is taking a sabbatical from blogging. She wrote “Just until my heart catches up with my voice. So much is happening, and so much is not happening – argh!”

I wonder whether my heart will ever catch up with my voice…

Unique Leaves Award


A huge thank you to Patty and Eddie for awarding me this beautiful award.

Patty @ http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/2013/07/06/award-shower-big-time/ is a remedial teacher happens to be gifted writer and poet. Eddie@ http://bishoptatro.wordpress.com/2013/07/06/nominated-twice/ is a Man of The Cloth who journeys through life with a nerve disorder and CPS (Chronic Pain Syndrome), along with a list of other conditions. Eddie uses his writing to educate people who are not aware of them.


This award was created by http://limseemin.wordpress.com.  limseemin says in the creation post: “This is the very own award that I create for myself. Is in nice? Haha! I name it that way ” Unique Leaves Award” because I feel that all of the bloggers’ blog are unique. They have their own mesmerizing blog. All the author are shimmers orb! For me, unique is a style to say who you are without having to speak. So I come out of this idea to create this award. Tell me if I am wrong, though.”   The direct link to first award is right here.

Now that the History Lesson is over on to the Rules.

RULES

  1. Display the award logo in your blog
  2. Link back to the person who nominated you
  3. Tell us how unique you are and your blog
  4. What your thought about unique
  5. Nominate 10 others blogger for this award and link to them
  6. Notify those bloggers for the nomination

How Unique I Am?

I actually thought about this award for a long time. I don’t think I am unique at all. I researched the word “unique”. u·nique

  [yoo-neek] and found the following definition:

Adjective

  1. existing as the only one or as the sole example; single; solitary in type or characteristics:a unique copy of an ancient manuscript.
  2. having no like or equal; unparalleled; incomparable: Bach was unique in his handling ofcounterpoint.
  3. limited in occurrence to a given class, situation, or area: a species unique to Australia.
  4. limited to a single outcome or result; without alternative possibilities: Certain types ofproblems have unique solutions.
  5. not typical; unusual: She has a very unique smile.

So I chose No 5 – “not typical; unusual: I gave birth to a very unique child. I carried a child in my belly for less than 9 months but carried her in life for a further 4027 days. My uniqueness lies in the bravery of the child I gave birth to. I gave birth to a child who did not know how to give up; how to die…

A young woman who loved love unconditionally and was able to forgive… So on behalf of Vicky I gracefully accept this unique leaves award.

Thought About Unique

Vic loved fearlessly. She lived fearlessly. She died bravely.

Nominees

  1. http://thedrsays.org/
  2. http://paddypicasso.wordpress.com
  3. http://buckwheatsrisk.com/
  4. http://whatcherylsaid.wordpress.com/
  5. http://onthehomefrontandbeyond.wordpress.com/
  6. http://grannyscolorful.wordpress.com/
  7. http://idealisticrebel.wordpress.com
  8. http://johannisthinking.com/
  9. http://myownheart.me/
  10. http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com
  11. http://talktodiana.wordpress.com
  12. http://allinthedayofme.com/
  13. http://connectivetissuedisorders.wordpress.com
  14. http://kateswaffer.com

Once again – a huge thank you to Patty and Eddie for this beautiful award!!

The Semper Fidelis Award


Semper Fidelis Award
Semper Fidelis Award

This was such an amazing award to receive!  Thank you Shaun.  Shaun @  http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com is my Scottish friend…He is a compassionate, funny, crazy friend.  He is so generous!  The award actually says everything I could possibly say about him…

Patty, @ http://petitemagique.wordpress.com  created this wonderful award.  This is a new award so I am terribly honoured to be one of the first ever nominations of this award.  Patty only nominated Shaun so I am one of the firsts to ever receive this award!  http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/awards/ 

Patty says The “Semper Fidelis Award” means “Always Faithful” in English. ”I created this award because I wanted to do something special for my friends on WordPress. Semper Fidelis is Latin and means Always Loyal. Loyalty means the world to me. I am very loyal myself, but I’ve got major trust issues as well. And I think trust is very important if you are sharing so much of yourself with people you meet through the internet. So I am working on that! 

Why the wolves? Because wolves have very strong ties with their pack. Like a family or a great group of friends. And I just love them!

This award stands for the loyalty and love between friends”

The Rules:

  • Add the Semper Fidelis Award logo somewhere on your blog.
  • Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog.
  • Nominate 5 bloggers whose loyalty and friendship you value and you consider being part of your ‘pack of wolves’ on WordPress.
  • Post something special for all of your nominees separately and dedicate it to them. This can be a quote, saying, poem, picture, anything you think that would fit that person.
  • Let the nominees know that you’ve nominated them.

I now nominate My Wolf Pack.  Shaun, you are already one!

I desperately tried to stick to the rules but I cannot!  Please forgive me Patty and Shaun.  I could add another 100 names to my acceptance and I would love to!  I do not mean to slight anyone by not nominating you!  I appreciate each and every one of my regular followers and friends!

  1. My treasured friend Sandra @ http://thedrsays.org/, who is terminally ill and still reaches out to me.  This brave and selfless woman has to be the leader of my Wolf Pack.  Thank you dear friend for caring when you have so much to deal with!  You are always in my thoughts and prayers!
  2. http://behindthemaskofabuse.com is a heart wrenching blog about a woman’s life of abuse.  She was raised by a narcissistic father, and a mother who rarely protected her from his verbal, mental, emotional and psychological abuse.  She endured molestation, both inside and outside the family setting, raped at the tender age of 11 years old.  This blog is written by an amazing person. A strong person battling recovery, anger and betrayal.   She battles C-PTSD and BDD.  Out of her pain two books were born and are published on Amazon “Buckwheatsrisk-Abuse Survival”,  and a poetry book entitled “If I Could Write my Heart”  I salute you!  Yet this dear woman has so much love in her heart that she is able to reach to me.  Thank you dear friend!
  3. http://idealisticrebel.wordpress.com/ – Rebel is amazing and takes on the world! A brave blogger who is a great friend.
  4. http://jmgoyder.com/ – My precious friend Julie who has so much pain and loss to work through.  Julie writes about the love between her and her ailing husband.  It is the most beautiful love story ever!  Lots of love dear friend!
  5. http://valeriedavies.com/  A gutsy, wise lady who is a friend and an amazing writer.  Thank you for your love and support.
  6. Judy is my dear friend who has guided me through this abyss of grief that I am walking…http://myjourneysinsight.com  Thank you dearest Judy for your guidance and love!
  7. Shirley @ http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com is a true warrior, fighting for justice yet always ready to extend a hand of friendship and support.  Thank you dear Shirley. 
  8. Len @ http://myownheart.me is a precious friend who always has a kind word of support ,  despite her pain after the tragic loss of her precious Klysta.  Thank you dear Len
  9. This wonderful woman has 1077 followers and yet she has time to read my blog, comment and encourage.  Thank you dear Diana http://talktodiana.wordpress.com/

Thank you dear Shaun for your generosity and friendship!  Thank you Patty for coming up with this amazing award!

Most Influential Blogger Award


   

Most Influential Blogger Award
Most Influential Blogger Award

 Thank you so much to http://theseeker57.wordpress.com and my dear friend Shaun @ prayingforoneday for this wonderful award.  It is an honour to be nominated by fellow bloggers that I follow and greatly admire.

I would like to dedicate this award to my beautiful child whose bravery and suffering have influenced hundreds of people all over the world.  Vic was the person who influenced me most in my life.  This award is for you Angel Child.

THE RULES:

1-Display the award logo on your blog.

2-Link back to the person who nominated you.

3-Answer 7 questions.

4-Nominate ( no limit of nominations ) other bloggers for this award and link back to them.

5-Notify those bloggers of the award requirements.

The 7 Questions (Can you all please answer the same questions) Thanks 

THE 7 QUESTIONS:

1-If you could create your planet what would it look like? – no hunger, hardship or war.

2-If you could visit one nation you have never visited before, what nation would that be? – Russia – It is on my bucket-list.

3-Have you ever taken a long distance train trip? – No,

4-What is something you would collectively change about humanity? – Dishonesty, incompetence and Greed,

5-What is your favorite song?

NEVER ALONE – LADY ANNABELLA AND JIM BRICKMAN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

Never alone

6-If you could meet one person who is still alive who would you choose to meet? – Nelson Mandela

7-If you could choose one symbol to represent you, what would that symbol be and why? –  Symbol of Peace

I now nominate some bloggers, the limit can be 1 or 100, your choice.

  1. http://thedrsays.org/
  2. http://myjourneysinsight.com/
  3. http://allinthedayofme.com/
  4. http://buckwheatsrisk.com/
  5. http://kellieelmore.com/
  6. http://onethousandsingledays.com
  7. http://livingwithfibroblog.com/
  8. http://cristianmihai.net/
  9. http://walking-on-eggshells.com/
  10. http://doilooksick.wordpress.com
  11. http://cobbies69.wordpress.com/
  12. http://connectivetissuedisorders.wordpress.com/
  13. http://hastywords.wordpress.com/
  14. http://smilescavenger.wordpress.com/
  15. http://idealisticrebel.wordpress.com/

 

Well done all 15…  Please accept and give to 15 others blogs

Love and well wishes

Tersia

 

 

Wonderful Team Member Readership Award


wonderful team member readership award

I admit it openly and honestly – I LOVE getting awards.  I think that deep down we all crave recognition, acceptance and love.  I have found this on Word Press.  I have met WONDERFUL people who have loved and supported me for the past year.   It is a very powerful thing to be recognised by a blogger I find not only incredibly inspirational, but funny and thought-provoking too.

Shaun from Praying for One Day awarded me the Wonderful Team Membership Readership Award,which of course I graciously accepted.  Shaun is one of my favourite bloggers who has become a wonderful friend. The first post of mine that Shaun ever read was https://tersiaburger.com/2013/01/25/vic-has-left-home-for-the-last-time/  Sometime later Shaun wrote me an email or a comment, I am unsure which it was…He wrote that after he read my post he and his partner Dawn cuddled and sat in silence for a long time weeping for Vic.  Shaun always leaves a comment, hug or word of encouragement.  Shaun has been awarded this award 6 or 7 times and with good reason.  He is a Wonderful Team Reader who truly deserves this award!

So here are the rules:

1. Display the logo on your page.

2. Finish the sentence: A great reader is…

A great reader is… someone who takes the time out of his/her busy life to read my ramblings of grief, leave a comment, hug, advice… A great reader is someone who reaches out from cyberspace and cries with me, laughs with me and cares for me.  A great reader is my wonderful WordPress friends!

 

3. Nominate 14 readers I appreciate.

  1. Uma Girish at http://grammarofgrief.wordpress.com/ for her helpful blog on grief and surviving loss
  2. http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/ is about a mother’s love for her son
  3. http://verbalbanter.wordpress.com a wonderful blog about life and it’s irritations and frustrations.
  4. http://drbillwooten.com/ is a blog filled with good music and wisdom.  Bill you are a kind and gentle friend.  Thank you
  5. http://everyonehasastory.me is a blog of hope and despair, healing and pain.  Excellent read.
  6. http://throughthehealinglens.com  is about a bloggers battle with debilitating, chronic pain. 
  7. http://thedarkest13.wordpress.com/ is an intelligent blog filled with good values, friendships, pain and love. 
  8. http://barefootbaroness.org is one of my favourite blogs. BB is a charming, gentle woman who has magical writing skills.  She is an amazing friend.  Thank you BB
  9. http://idealisticrebel.wordpress.com/ – Rebel is amazing and takes on the world! A brave blogger who is a great friend.
  10. http://jmgoyder.com/ – My precious friend Julie who has so much pain and loss to work through. 
  11. http://picturesofsilverbyjanice.wordpress.com/category/sculptures-silver-art-jewelry/  Janice is the kindest person.  She makes beautiful jewellery and my Christmas Gifts will come out of her innovative jewellery pieces.  I am gifting the boys their Mommy’s fingerprint to wear around their necks – close to their hearts.
  12. http://valeriedavies.com/  A gutsy, wise lady who is a friend and an amazing writer. 
  13. http://walkingthroughpain.com/ writes about “invisible illness” such as RA/Lupus/ Fibromyalgia.  This is a brave blogger who knows and lives with chronic pain!  Please support and encourage her on this lonely journey. 
  14. Tracy Rydzy – http://ohwhatapain.wordpress.com is another brave warrior battling chronic pain.

4. Inform the readers with either comments or pingbacks.

These are just 14 of a long list of treasured blogger friends who are truly worthy of this award.  There are many, many other bloggers whom I treasure and who inspires and supports me in my grief journey.

Thank you to each and every one of my blogger friends!!