The Dragon Loyalty Award and Blog 2013 Award


I want to thank one of the bravest young woman, I know, for nominating me for two awards – The Dragon’s Loyalty Award and the Blog of 2013 Award. These are wonderful awards to receive. The Dragon’s Loyalty Award is an award for the loyal fan/commenter, whether the recipient is a fellow blogger or just someone who follows and comments regularly” and the Blog of 2013 Award is exactly what the award name says…The most deserving blog of the year….

 dragons-loyalty-award

There are some rules that one must follow to fully accept The Dragon’s Loyalty Award and they are as follows:

1. Firstly, display the Awards on your site. You earned it and you deserve it!
2. Link back to the person who gave you the award in your acceptance post
3. Nominate 15 well deserving bloggers for the Award and let them know the wonderful news by sending them a message on their site
4. List 7 interesting facts about yourself

 Seven facts about me:

  1. I live in South Africa and am proudly South African
    2. I always forget to wear lipstick…
    3. For the first time in my life I am working with a lot of women. I have always worked in male dominated industries.  I love my new Magnolia friends.
    4. I hate my birthday – for no particular reason.

    5. My 2014 resolution is to write Vic’s Memoirs                                                              6. I have a very inquisitive mind.                                                                                        7. I love taking close-up portrait photographs

 My 15 nominees for both awards are:


Many thanks to my brave and amazingly talented blogger friend Katie Mitchell for nominating me for this award too! Katie Mitchell suffers debilitating pain yet this brave young woman has made it her mission in life to educate the world on Connective Tissue disorders. She is a very talented artist. Katie is truly amazing and I highly recommend stopping by her blog at http://tissuetales.com/2012/10/01/treading-water/.

 Instructions for this Award are:

1. Select the blogs you think deserve the ‘Blog of The Year 2013 Award’. *See my 15 nominees above*
2. Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you’ve chosen (There are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required), and present the blogs with their Award.
3. Let the blog(s) that you’ve chosen know that you’ve given them this Award and share the instructions with them. (Please, don’t alter the instructions or the badges!).
4. Come over and say hello to the originator of the ‘Blog of The Year 2013 Award’ via this link:http://thethoughtpalette.co.uk/blog-awards-2-/blog-of-the-year-2013-award/
5. You can now also join the Blog Of The Year Award Facebook Page Click the link here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/BlogoftheYear
6. And as a winner of the award – please add a link back to the blog that presented you with this award – and proudly display the award on your blog – and start collecting stars!

About my nominees:

I have had tremendous support over the past 19 months. These bloggers that I’ve chosen to nominate are the ones who are ever-present in my life online. They are the ones who read my posts, offer words of support and friendship, and help make blogging the amazing thing that it is for me. They have helped me survive the most difficult year of my life. And in turn, their posts, pictures and stories enrich my life on a daily basis. They teach me, make me smile, make me think, and consistently remind me how truly wonderful our community of bloggers is. I have received other awards and will award the rest of my loyal cyber friends. Many of my nominees suffer either debilitating illness, pain or grief. Some of them don’t accept awards. Regardless of this I am still making the award. Thank you for your love and support; all your words of advice and kindness.

 You’re all wonderful and deserving of this recognition! 

  1. An extra nomination – My beautiful, brave child who radiated goodness and kindness, these awards are for you!  You made the world a better place.  I am proud to be your Mommy.  I love you Angel Child.


I feel death coming closer…


Photo Credit to:  thegardeningblog.co.za
Photo Credit to: thegardeningblog.co.za

Today I read the post of a very dear blogger friend.  She is an unbelievably strong and resilient woman who is dying from congenital heart failure.  She is a medical professional who served her country bravely.  Sandra is married to an amazing man, and she loves his children dearly.  They are a great source of joy to her.

I have just re-read most of Sandra’s old posts.  It filled me with sadness reading her brave posts, an almost intellectual outlook on death… My friend is not a stranger to death.  As a medical professional she encountered death often.  Death in every form, indiscriminate of age, colour or creed.

Sandra posted : how to die? I have watched many die over the years and the range is as you would imagine. there were those that just could not let go and suffered every indignity to their body and soul. of course others went quietly with love around them. I have not decided if I want to be alone or with loved ones by my side. is there a way to make it easier for them? would they rather receive a phone call with the news or be at bedside? either way it will hurt them, not me of course as I am the one leaving. I would be lying if I said I don’t think of how I will miss so much. the thing is I have had so much, so much more than others and it seems selfish to complain. what they will go through is tremendous compared to what I will go through. I will sleep eternally and they will live. the best I can hope for them is peace of mind and future happiness. I want them to think of me and smile as I do now thinking of them.   http://thedrsays.org/2011/03/25/

When I read this post I recognised the same almost detached approach to death that Vic had…As emotionally intelligent people Vic and Sandra look at death and know that their loved ones are the ones who will suffer the loss.  Vic so often expressed her concern for her loved ones who would be left behind.  My friend does the same in her posts…

Sandra wrote:

I believe and hope that I will die with dignity,

we are not born with fear and so we can die without fear. I think a lot of us are not so much afraid of dying as we are of not being remembered. it is only human to hope that our kids will have some fond memory, our grandkids, friends and maybe even some people who just passed through on the way to somewhere else. I would like to think there will be some fond memories of me. Chris is going to have a memorial at our home (I think) for me. I have asked for a celebration of my life. remember me as I am a real person with some good some bad and some … that should maybe stay in the vault:)

http://thedrsays.org/2011/04/

Today she posted: “for tonight i am not going to lie to you. i feel death coming closer, i hear the bear growl.  at times i think i may see her but then she moves a little and we continue down this path.  the toxins are working their way through my body to the skin where they are sores that itch and bleed.  i have these toxins because my liver and kidneys are not working the way they should.  my liver is enlarged and causes great pain. it is like having the worst charlie horse you have ever experienced just under your ribcage on the right side of your body. of course the spleen takes up its chorus on the left side and the kidneys can be felt in more places than you think and may be different in different people.  i am so weak at times that just standing takes a monumental effort.  my arms and legs can turn to shaking jello.  sometimes my eyes won’t focus and my mind is hard to clear.  forget about reading or even looking at the temp control on the wall.”  http://thedrsays.org/2013/04/29/sex-lies-and-videotapes/

I am re-living Vic’s final journey with this precious, brave woman.

The purpose of my post is to thank Sandra for her friendship, support, guidance, compassion and advice over the past year.  Often when I vented about Vic being stubborn or ill Sandra would gently advise me from a terminally ill person’s point of view.  She opened my eyes to so much of my child’s emotions and personal struggle…  She knows because it is her journey too.

My friend is a medical professional and KNOWS what is happening in her body.  Vic knew too…

In November 2012 Vic started saying that death was close…she would not bounce back this time…and now my friend says “I feel death coming closer…”

Oh my friend what can I say?  I know the emotional agony that Vic went through when she was where you are now.  I wish I could give you some of my health.  I wish I could wave a magic wand, and you would have more time.  We both know I cannot do any of this.

Please know I hold you in my heart.  I am sad that your journey is almost over.  I am so sad for the dreadful pain you are in.  I hope you are having pro-active symptom control.

I want to thank you today whilst you are strong enough to hear my words. Thank you for your friendship, compassion and support over the past couple of months.

I think you are incredibly brave, and you remind me of Vic…Stubborn, compassionate, intelligent…amazing!  I hope that you will meet her when it is your time to cross over.  Please know that I treasure you as a dear friend.

I pray for a miracle, that you will have lots of time, pain-free days.  Know that you are loved and admired.  I wish we had met.

I am not saying goodbye – just thank you for being a wonderful friend

To all my blogger friends out there – please pray for Sandra and Chris….

BEST MOMENT AWARD


BEST MOMENT AWARD

I would like to thank my dear friend Shaun, at prayingforoneday for this award. He ia an amazing person with a big heart and always ready to support and encourage.  Shaun suffers from Chronic Pain and despite living in debilitating pain, continues to be a source of support and encouragement for a great many of us. 

best moment award 

 

Awarding the people who live in the moment,
the noble who write and capture the best in life,
the bold who reminded us what really mattered –
Savouring the experience of quality time.

 

RULES:

  1. Winners re-post this completely, with their acceptance speech. That could be written down or video recorded.
  2. Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees! The re-post should include a NEW list of people, blogs worthy of the award, and winners notify them the great news.
  3. What makes a good acceptance speech?

Gratitude. Thank the people who helped you along the way.

Humour-Keep us entertained and smiling.

Inspiration – Make your story touch our lives.

Get an idea from the great acceptance speech, compiled in MomentMatters.com/speech

  1. Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award

 

My Acceptance:

I started blogging as a coping mechanism just after the doctors told us they could do nothing for Vic and my brave child decided “no more surgeries…”  I blogged Vic’s quest to die with dignity.  I now blog about my all-consuming grief and sense of loss.

As a child I changed schools 12 times in total.  Academically I coped by I did not cope with the emotional side of it.

I allow very few people close to me.  I find it hard to form bonds with people.  I always expect them to leave my live – I don’t think I suffer from Rejection issues – just separation issues.   It is easier to keep people at bay – If I don’t rely on people they cannot disappoint or hurt me.

On WordPress I found a safe world.  A world where people care and support.  If they leave, as many have, it is okay because they are faceless.  Yet there are people that have never wavered in their support and encouragement.

I have received a number of awards lately that I am busy accepting.  If you are not nominated here please just check my next posts.  I am taking my time because I truly want to acknowledge my blogging friends and their contribution in my journey.  I will nominate my friends in no particular or of importance…

Shaun, thank you again for this award,

My nominees are compassionate, caring people who all suffer their own pain and loss.  Please visit their blogs and I promise you will find goodness and bravery there!

Thank you all for allowing me to heal here.

Vic, this award is for you my precious, beautiful, brave baby girl.  I love you Angel Child!

The 15 people I award:

1.    UntraveledRoads

Jane is a wonderful blogger who writes about living through pain.

She so eloquently writes   “Not writing about how to grasp joy – just about trying to find joy through the labyrinth of pain. Because if I don’t keep joy in my sights, I will drown. It is about the space – like a sunlit meadow – beyond pain that one can reach – or grasp – or glimpse. A place of peace while pain drums in the background. Why try? Because if I do not, what is the point at all?

OK. So I don’t want to write about pain. I live with it. But it has been such an extraordinary journey with such unexpected bonuses that I must write about the plus side – the up side, the fun, humour and bittersweet of living with pain. The irony is that I don’t want it, but I wouldn’t return what I have learnt through it.”

I hope you accept this award!

2  http://grannyscolorful.wordpress.com/  Gloria lost her son, Tommy, when he collapsed at the beach (Myrtle Beach, S.C.) whilst playing with his little son, Taban.  He died with little Taban near him.  Tommy had 2 blockages in his heart that no one was aware of.

Gloria writes about her precious son Tommy and her grief.  Gloria has become a friend and has been such a source of encouragement and understanding.  Gloria has 1236 followers and yet she finds the time to read my blog and comment on my blog.  Thank you so much for caring!!  You are an amazing person!

Gloria recently published her book.  Good luck with the book dear Gloria.

3 http://thresholdofheaven.com/

Peter Wiebe has closed down his blog.  Yet I am compelled to nominate Peter for this award.

Peter wrote:  “My name is Peter Wiebe. I am a husband and father of 4 boys-the oldest of which has gone ahead of us to Heaven after a courageous battle with cancer at the age of 10. I am a Christian and thus write from a Christian perspective. Although my faith was/is being severely tested by the loss of my firstborn son, my hope lies in Jesus Christ and all that the Bible teaches regarding Him, His death and resurrection, and our future hope of glory with Him. This blog is a journey through grief, about cultivating an eternal mindset in a temporary world, about all things related to faith, and life after death. I dedicate this blog to Jesse’s memory and hope that its contents will draw others nearer to God.”

I once wrote to Peter “I envy you your faith and peace.” Peter prays for me and I am so grateful for that.  How do I know?  I know because he still visits my blog and continues to encourage and support me.  Peter has become a wonderful cyber friend.  I am grateful for the healing that he found.  Thank you Peter!

4.  http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com

Shirley is a brave mother fighting for justice after the suspicious death of her beloved son, Raymond.  She is fearless!  This lady is selflessly fighting for justice, not only for her son but for other innocent victims.

The reason for her blog is “Finding that one person who will step out to defend the innocent even when they are dead.  Help us tell Pennsylvania this needs an investigation, not just a cover-up. it is our sincere prayer to find the true cause of Ray’s death and help others who have experienced a similar crime.”

Shirley is a good cyber friend – always encouraging and supporting!  Thank you brave lady.  I pray that you will find closure and answers!!!

5.  http://thedrsays.org

 

Sandra is one of the bravest people I know.  She is dying from congenital heart failure.  She writes about her journey with terminal illness, impending death and her concern for leaving her husband Chris behind.  She is so like Vic!!  As brave, courageous, stubborn and loving!  Her blog fills me with so much sadness and yet it gives me an insight into Vic’s heart and mind.  I truly hope she will accept this award.  Sandra, thank-you for your love, support, advice and friendship.  You are one in a million!  I wish I could make the same difference in your life that you make in mine.

6. http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com 

Becky writes about her son, Jason (19), who died in a car accident.

In Becky’s own words:…. ”(Jason) A game player – chess (his absolute favorite), video games, volleyball, basketball,  board games. Intelligent – studying to be a computer engineer; tutored students in math. He gave great hugs and brightened up a room just by walking into it. A great young man; a wonderful son, brother, friend.

In a split second, he was gone and our lives were changed forever.

My goal for writing this blog is to promote understanding – for bereaved parents and for those around them. I do not claim to know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes nor do I claim to speak as an expert on grief. I would not presume to know what anyone else is feeling nor what they are experiencing. Everyone is different; each situation is different; each grief and griever is unique. The only thing I know is what we experienced. But, if my speaking about what we went through can promote even a small degree of understanding, then I have accomplished what I set out to do.”

Thank you Becky for your kindness and support.  Thank you for your guidance and compassion.

7. http://johannisthinking.com –   This blog is filled with beautiful poetry.  The heart of this lovely blogger is contained in her own words “my heart bleeds with all those who lost their lives this day…and all who mourn their lost…WE can all do better…for the memory of all those who have died…let us try to BE our best selves always!”  Thank you for your friendship and support!  http://johannisthinking.com/category/poetry-solitude/

8. http://beebeesworld.wordpress.com – Beebee ia an advocate of Parent Heart Watch, an organization that promotes education on the prevention and care of those with heart issues.   Beebee’s 15 year old son died of a sudden heart attack whilst playing baseball. Beebee is a brave mother and has become a cyber-friend.  She writes beautifully and courageously.  Thank you BB for your kind words of encouragement.

9. http://forphilip.wordpress.com/2013/04/06/they-found-him-day-2-part-2/  Denise Smyth is the loving mother of two children, Philip and Natalie, who are (of course) the great loves of her life.

Denise writes “On February 23rd, 2012, I found out that my son, who had turned 21 the month before, died. It was sudden and unexpected. I was devastated, heartbroken, terrified, none of which comes close to describing what I really felt. It’s just the best I can do at the moment.”

Denise’s’ blog is a brave blog.  It is filled with raw emotion and unconditional love.

10. http://jmgoyder.com/  

Julie lives on a retired dairy farm in Western Australia with her “99.9% lovely, teenage son”.   Julie is a retired lecturer in English and Creative Writing at a local university.  Julie’s beloved husband Anthony has cancer, dementia and Parkinson’s disease.

Julie blog is a beautiful love story filled with her fears and anguish of seeing her Anthony slip deeper and deeper into another world.  Julie arranges wonderful outings for Anthony and includes their friends in his world.  I admire her that she is not trying to “hide” her husband from the cruel eyes of the world.  Her love is unconditional and inspiring.  She writes beautifully and has been a great source of comfort to me.  Thank you dear friend for sharing your love and pain with us. 

Thank you for your kindness and friendship.  You are a very special person.

11.  http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com

Andrew is the author of an e-book, Living with Cancer: A Journey,

This eBook captures his first three years of Lymphoma diagnosis, treatment, recovery, relapse, treatment, and again recovery. He keeps a daily personal journal to capture both the medical and personal things going on during this journey.  I find Andrew’s blog to be filled with not only facts but also his“journey”.  He is a very gifted writer.  Andrew has become a friend.  Thank you for your continued support Andrew!!

12.  http://behindthemaskofabuse.com  Zoe is a wonderfully gifted author who has had two books published on Amazon  “Buckwheatsrisk-Abuse Survival”,  and a poetry book entitled “If I Could Write my Heart”  Zoe has endured dreadful abuse, at every level, as a child.  Zoe is working so hard at healing…Zoe has 658 followers and receives lots of comments.  Yet, every day there is a “Hug” or “Like” message from her.  She has emailed me…Zoe, I appreciate your support and caring.  Thank you for taking the time to email me!

 

13.  http://doilooksick.wordpress.com/

Rachel referred to Vic as a “China Doll”…  How precious was that comment??   I was drawn to Rachel’s blog because she suffers from endometriosis.  Vic too suffered very badly from endometriosis… I recall the first time I read one of Rachel’s posts she wrote about the searing pain of endometriosis.  I was able to understand Vic’s pain better from Rachel’s blog.  Rachel’s blog is about music – as a coping mechanisme.  There are real good songs to listen to on this blog.

 

14.  http://tothatplace.wordpress.com/

Aarthi  dedicated  another beautiful poem to Vic and I –http://tothatplace.wordpress.com/2013/04/13/we-were-one/  Aarthi is one of my favourite poets and Vic and I enjoyed her work immensely.  Aarthi has become a compassionate friend.  Please visit Aarthi’s site (linked above) and read the beautiful poem honouring Vic.  Thank you Aarthi for your love, compassion, friendship and sharing your gift!!!  Thank you for bringing joy to Vic’s life when she found very little joy in living anymore.

15.   http://grammarofgrief.wordpress.com – Una

I am unable to articulate words for Una’s blog so I will use her own:  “When you’re stuck in the quicksand of grief, coming unstuck takes time, tenderness and a loving tribe. You’re feverishly seeking answers. What will help fix the plumbing of my leaky tear ducts? Will I ever feel normal again? How many weeks or months will it take for this awful, gut-wrenching pain to go away?

The Grammar of Grief is where I attempt to unscramble the craziness of grief for you. It is a resource for both the grieving and those who need tips and tools to support loved ones who are mourning. This is both your safe space and how-to resource. There’s room for everyone.”

Una has been a source of great comfort to me.  Thank you Una!

16. http://myjourneysinsight.com/

Judy Unger’s son, Jason, was born with a serious congenital heart defect called “Transposition of the Great Vessels.” As with most heart defects, his was “one of a kind.” Jason had surgery when he was two and a half months old. He had another one when he was five. He died following that surgery.

It doesn’t seem to matter that I addressed my grief for years and years after my son’s death.  Eighteen years later Judy finds it painful to write how it felt to have her beloved son’s soul amputated from her heart and body.

Judy writes beautiful songs and dedicated two songs to Vic:- “I know that soon you will leave” and “Never gone away”  http://myjourneysinsight.com/2012/12/20/how-will-i-ever-say-goodbye/  Judy is an incredibly gifted illustrationist.  She writes beautiful words and songs!  She has held my hand throughout Vic’s journey and now mine.  Thank you dearest Judy for your love, support and compassion.  One day we will meet!!

Lots of love and thanks to each and every one of you who has supported Vic and I in our journey.  She was grateful that I had found an “outlet” and support in Blogging!

Liebster Award


liebster awardI want to thank Tracy Rydzy – http://ohwhatapain.wordpress.com/author/ohwhatapain/ for nominating me for the Liebster Award…Tracy suffers debilitating, chronic pain but bravely soldiers on with life.  I have great admiration for her and her blog.  Her blog gave me unbelievable insight into Vic’s pain.   Thank you Tracy!!

I graciously and humbly accept.

 Rules of The Liebster Award

1. You must thank the person who gave you this award
2. You must display the Liebster heart on your blog
3. You should nominate 7 other blogs
4. Each person must post 11 things about themselves
5. Answer the questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you
6. Create 11 questions for those you nominate to answer
7. Notify your nominees and provide a link back to your post.

As for the 7 blogs that I nominate:  This is so difficult as there are many bloggers that I follows slavishly.  They have become friends.  These bloggers have been such a source of support!  I hope I get another award soon, so I can pass it onto the rest of my favorite bloggers!

1-     http://beebeesworld.wordpress.com

2-     http://sophieandemile.wordpress.com/

3-     http://myjourneysinsight.com/

4-     http://thedrsays.org

5-     http://jmgoyder.com/

6-     http://ayannanahmias.com

7-   http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com

8-   http://missmorgansmom.wordpress.com/

9-  http://writerightmel.wordpress.com

 

11 things about me:

1. I love to write. It is a coping mechanism

2. I smile and laugh when my heart breaks.
3. I love unconditionally
5. I love getting awards for my blog.
6. I have very few friends.
7. I love reality television…I am a reality junky.
8. I am a good gran
9. I love working – I am a workaholic
10. I think my husband is the most handsome man in the universe
11. I work in the arms industry

.My 11 questions: 

1) What inspired you to begin blogging?
My precious child’s final journey whilst dying.

2) What’s your favourite blog post ever published by you? (so I can go read it!)
Being Treated Like a Drug Addict and Pain is Not Pretty.

3) What’s your favourite hobby?
Working and my grandchildren

4) Cats or dogs and why?
I am not an animal person.  Cats freak me out.

5) Are you a city person or a country person?
I am a city girl longing to be a country girl…

6) Extroverted or introverted?

People think I am an extrovert but I am an “alone” person.  Very few people ever get close to me

7) Are you a good judge of character?
Yes

8) What is your favourite genre of music?
Classical and country

9) Are you a morning person or do you prefer the night?
I am a night owl

10) Warm colours or cold colours?
Depends on the outfit.

11) 2 things you’d be miserable without for a day?
Tea and my family

11 questions for my nominees:

1) Are you addicted to your STATS?
2) What country do you live in?
3) How many friends would you have on a major birthday party guest list?
4) What is your favourite post?
5) Who is your inspiration when writing?
6) Introvert or extrovert?
7) Why do you read my blog?

8) Favourite quote?
9) Favourite holiday location?
10) How long have you been writing?
11) Favourite TV show?

 

 

Lovely Blog Award


I was recently nominated for the Lovely Blog Award and graciously accept. It is indeed a great honor when someone of Melba’s calibre acknowledges my blog. http://poemattic.wordpress.com/2012/10/20/lovely-blogger-award-nomination-continued/  Melba Christie is an extremely gifted poet and writes  “Poetry is life. It is a big part of my life.”  Melba is truly passionate about poetry

The Rules for the Lovely Blog Award:

– Thank the person who nominated you and link to them in your post.
– Share seven unknown things about yourself.
– Nominate other bloggers and blogs that you like or admire.
– Contact the bloggers you nominate to let them know and to link them back to your post.

  1. I cry in the shower
  2. Danie (my husband) was the first man, with children, I ever dated.  I was scared of children and the complications they bring….I only dated single, childless men
  3. I find gardening therapeutic
  4. I am a Crime Channel TV junkie
  5. I HATE and DETEST lying.  It is unforgivable
  6. I have not worked to a budget in years
  7. I paint.

I have nominated the following bloggers because I enjoy their blogs very much and have found their personal journeys and comments helpful:

  1. http://sickocean.wordpress.com/
  2. http://thresholdofheaven.com/
  3. http://storiesformymom.wordpress.com/
  4. http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com/
  5. http://thedrsays.org/
  6. http://dlmchale.com/
  7. http://grammarofgrief.wordpress.com/
  8. http://eis4em.wordpress.com/
  9. http://drbillwooten.com/

There are many, many more wonderful bloggers.  The nominated bloggers listed above mean a lot to me.  Some of them are very ill and others have lost dear ones.  Some are an absolute source of amazing information.  Aarthi Raghavan http://sickocean.wordpress.com/ wrote a beautiful poem and dedicated it to Vic and I.

The above bloggers all have a special place in my heart.  I urge you to take the time to visit their blogs.

Melba, once again I thank you for your beautiful poetry and this award.  I am honoured!!

Lovely Blog Award


Lovely Blog Award

I was recently nominated for the lovely blog award and graciously accept. Thank you Tracy Rydzy for this nomination.  http://ohwhatapain.wordpress.com.

Tracy has opened my eyes to the world of the chronic pain sufferer.  Vic hides things from me because she tries to protect me.  I am so healthy and do not know or understand pain.  Tracy articulates pain and her journey beautifully and I am grateful to her for sharing her painful journey with the world.  It is such a valuable source of information!  It has given me an insight into the dark, fearsome world of pain.  Thank you Tracy and all the people who I nominated.  You and bloggers like Katie Mitchell – http://connectivetissuedisorders.wordpress.com, (who nominated Tracy), have made my world a better place.  I thank you all.

The Rules for The Lovely Blog Award:

– Thank the person who nominated you and link to them in your post.
– Share seven unknown things about yourself.
– Nominate other bloggers and blogs that you like or admire.
– Contact the bloggers you nominate to let them know and to link them back to your post.

1. I cry in the shower
2. I only learnt to cook after I got married – the 2nd time!
3. My ultimate career would be to be a spy.
4. I want to be the oldest person to ever skydive
5. I read the eulogy section in the newspapers
6. I feel guilty because I am so healthy.
7. I am a loner.

I have nominated the following bloggers because I enjoy their blogs very much and have found their information and comments helpful:

http://grammarofgrief.wordpress.com

http://thedrsays.org

http://ourlonggoodbye.wordpress.com

http://missmorgansmom.wordpress.com

http://dlmchale.com

http://poemattic.wordpress.com

http://fullcircledme.wordpress.com

I hope that you will take time out of your schedule to check out some of these beautiful bloggers.  It is truly inspiring.

Hospice Day 11


 

Last night was an absolute night out of hell.

The subcutaneous syringe driver was halted as Vic’s tissue is so bad.  Vic is now on 100mg Durogesic patches and morphine syrup.  Initially it appeared to be an okay solution.  Then the nausea started…. The pain steadily increased to absolute intolerable levels by last night.

Yesterday morning Vic was great!  She obviously still has some of the intravenous morphine in her system.  (I also gave her extra morphine syrup as a precaution).  She went to breakfast with her friend Angela and had a wonderful time.  She glowed when she got back.  Gill, my BFF, popped in for a cup of tea and was amazed (once again) at how well Vic was looking.  Madam was even wearing a shoe with a little heel (which we made her take off).

In the afternoon Vic started looking grim.  She was nauseous and suffering from abdominal cramping.  Her tummy was distending.

By 10pm last night Vicky was sobbing with pain.  By 11pm she was vomiting uncontrollably.  She has severe intestinal pain and I believe she fractured a vertebra with the vomiting.

This morning I had an early meeting.  Half an hour into the meeting Vic phoned sobbing uncontrollably.  I was unable to hear what she was saying through her sobs.  I just said “Baby, I am on my way…”

When I arrived at home Sr Ciza from Hospice was here.  She had given Vic a morphine injection and an additional 25mg Durogesic patch.  Vic was already looking so much better.  Ciza encouraged me to get a night nurse to assist me… She had written a motivational letter to the medical aid without my knowledge.  I don’t think I am ready for that yet.

Whilst she was vomiting last night I thought of how quickly she “crashes” and how the good times have almost disappeared.  Yesterday morning Angela actually looked at me with a question mark in her eyes when Vic said she wanted to go out for breakfast.  I nodded my “consent”.  You see I had just read a comment from an incredible brave lady.

my husband has expressed the same concerns you have over your daughter pushing too hard when she does feel better. it is so important to me when i do have a good day to get out or make dinner, even doing laundry makes me happy. it is a reminder that i am still me. while i see your point and his, i know how vic feels and know that for me it is worth the price i pay afterward to have that time where i feel like the old me. the me before.  My heart goes out to you all and say a little prayer for your continued wisdom and love. http://thedrsays.org/” 

Today I would also like to quote my “mentor into the world of pain” Tracy Rydzy   http://ohwhatapain.wordpress.com/author/ohwhatapain

The concept of illness as a way of telling you to slow down is frustrating, as I have always lived life in the proverbial fast lane.  Since my first surgery, my life has basically come to a screeching halt.  Any living I do is now in the slow lane, sometimes I never even make it off the shoulder.  I think one of the most difficult aspects of pain, especially during a flare, is the comorbid (I have to use my expensive Master’s Degree vocabulary sometimes) depression and mood swings. 

It’s hard to deal with the slow down.  I mean, generally, this is something that comes with age and is a natural part of life, but when it happens at 33, how the heck do you reconcile that?  Before “all this” I felt so strong.  I felt like I could take on the world.  I used to be busy everyday, all day and the craziness of my schedule was like a high.  Now, I have maybe a quarter of that activity, some days, I have none.  The worst part about slowing down is that the pain slows down my body, but not my mind (thankfully), so in my head I still feel like the woman who can go all day, do it all, run around all day and still have energy left to cook dinner and clean the house.  Nowadays I get up at 1030am on a good day, workout and do maybe one chore, and by the time I am done I want to cry from pain and exhaustion.  But I am still me.  I refuse to let the pain change who I am.

I still feel like I can do it all, but I can’t. The constant drive to push and do more is, at times, a gift and a curse.  I still push  myself to do more, even if it comes with the cost of a day in bed.  When it comes to physical therapy (and the accompanying weight loss), I know that I push myself too far, too often.  That part of my brain that refuses to accept this “new normal” can’t give up certain things.  One thing I can do is physical therapy, so I will do it as hard as I can and push myself, regardless of the cost to my body.  A couple of weeks ago I hurt my back (more) while driving and the surgical nurse, who knows me well by this point, actually said, “I tell most patients to slow down for a little while, but I won’t bother telling you that, I know you won’t.”

Sometimes the slow down causes resentment.  I get angry that those around me have a life and are busy and that adds to the mood swings and depression.  The weekends are the hardest because I want to do so much more than I realistically can, yet I watch friends and family run from event to event with no need to stop and rest.  For me, a trip to Wal-mart requires a rest.

Flares do bring up an interesting realization, though.  Until things get as bad as they are right now, I didn’t realize that I was in less pain before.  So, in essence, flares tell your body to slow down and take it easy, but at the same time, for me at least, it takes something bad to make me realize that before this, I was feeling a little better, at least by comparison.  Now if only I could return to feeling like crap instead of complete crap…

So, the bottom line is, what do you do when life slows you down?  http://ohwhatapain.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/flares

I wish I had understood Vic’s pain-filled world earlier.  I am so sorry for getting angry with her for trying to live.  I wish we had more time.