Grief is instrumental to the metamorphous of person, as a whole. So many things change in your life when you lose some one you love. Although no loss is an easy one, as personally I have lost my father, stepmother and grandparents. Sadly as heart wrenching as their deaths were there is no comparison to how my life has changed with the loss of Morgan. There is no possible way to describe what this life altering event does to you, or prepare you for the process it takes to find a new normal, especially when the process is as individual as the experience it self. This is why i continue to share this undertaking, for understanding on every level. For myself to reflect on, for those who are in a similar predicament, as well as people who simply wish to understand more.
In my journey over the last 17 months or 5 days shy of 17 months I have found that the one place i feel somewhat normal is when i am with others like me. This could be in a virtual support group, or a friendship, or honestly a stranger with a similar story. It is so hard to feel like an oddity or only feel “Normal” whatever that is, when you are among other s that belong to this club which no body wants to be a member of. You only feel a like you are not abnormal because others for similar reasons now live with broken hope of what their dreams once were, because their world was as well obliterated. I suppose to feel comfort and normalcy when you are with those who are just as fragmented is conventional in many facets. Its just so hypocritical, you do not wish anyone else to ever live in the hell you are in, you do not want anyone to have felt this pain,but yet you gravitate to those that do because they get it.
I can say that I am learning to process the fact that nothing will every be the same, it will always hurt, it will never completely heal. I am finding that i have been able to laugh a little more than months ago, I cry a little less and slowly am learning to move back into trying to be functionally productive. This is not saying I am any better than I was during the early months, it is just saying that I am adjusting to function with the pain. I still feel like I am in quick sand and still seems like a lot of the time the fight to get out is not worth the emotional and physical exhaustion. On those days, I generally drop back five and punt, maybe just try to stay under the covers until i feel strong enough to fight a bit more, whatever it takes.
I do grasp a lot more now, the proverbial light bulb has gone off, i am always going to be broken! I will never be whole, kind of like a puzzle missing a piece or I suppose like a tea cup that the handle breaks off and is glued back together, its weaker and never the same, but can function. So at this point in this wicked game this is where i am and quite honestly it is what it is! I have learned that at any given day in the process of grief, the battles you fight change from moment to moment. In the beginning i guess you are going through the traditional stages if you will. As time goes on and you graduate into new challenges, you find that the things that hurt now are things you could not have fathomed when it first happened. When you bury your child the pain and shock are so intense that no one could have possibly prepare you for! So as time goes you learn to progress through those stages, and you may find that in some ways you come to terms with the fact that your baby is gone and not coming back. Than you at some point you start to climb out of the rabbit hole to see that the world and life as you knew it, now has a completely contrasting view with incompatible meaning. You now identify with different goals, hopes and dreams, because the ones you had before are now a mirage. The depth of these goals , hopes, and dreams, may be as little as getting out of bed and making your bed one day or as extreme changing a career. The metamorphous of grief reprograms you to keep the focus of the obtainable idea that you are only in need do the best that you can at a single moment, nothing more nothing less as well as embrace the idea of your new normal to be as being perfectly imperfect!
I want to thank Tracy Rydzy – http://ohwhatapain.wordpress.com/author/ohwhatapain/ for nominating me for the Liebster Award…Tracy suffers debilitating, chronic pain but bravely soldiers on with life. I have great admiration for her and her blog. Her blog gave me unbelievable insight into Vic’s pain. Thank you Tracy!!
I graciously and humbly accept.
Rules of The Liebster Award
1. You must thank the person who gave you this award
2. You must display the Liebster heart on your blog
3. You should nominate 7 other blogs
4. Each person must post 11 things about themselves
5. Answer the questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you
6. Create 11 questions for those you nominate to answer
7. Notify your nominees and provide a link back to your post.
As for the 7 blogs that I nominate: This is so difficult as there are many bloggers that I follows slavishly. They have become friends. These bloggers have been such a source of support! I hope I get another award soon, so I can pass it onto the rest of my favorite bloggers!
11 things about me:
1. I love to write. It is a coping mechanism
2. I smile and laugh when my heart breaks.
3. I love unconditionally
5. I love getting awards for my blog.
6. I have very few friends.
7. I love reality television…I am a reality junky.
8. I am a good gran
9. I love working – I am a workaholic
10. I think my husband is the most handsome man in the universe
11. I work in the arms industry
.My 11 questions:
1) What inspired you to begin blogging?
My precious child’s final journey whilst dying.
2) What’s your favourite blog post ever published by you? (so I can go read it!)
Being Treated Like a Drug Addict and Pain is Not Pretty.
3) What’s your favourite hobby?
Working and my grandchildren
4) Cats or dogs and why?
I am not an animal person. Cats freak me out.
5) Are you a city person or a country person?
I am a city girl longing to be a country girl…
6) Extroverted or introverted?
People think I am an extrovert but I am an “alone” person. Very few people ever get close to me
7) Are you a good judge of character?
8) What is your favourite genre of music?
Classical and country
9) Are you a morning person or do you prefer the night?
I am a night owl
10) Warm colours or cold colours?
Depends on the outfit.
11) 2 things you’d be miserable without for a day?
Tea and my family
11 questions for my nominees:
1) Are you addicted to your STATS?
2) What country do you live in?
3) How many friends would you have on a major birthday party guest list?
4) What is your favourite post?
5) Who is your inspiration when writing?
6) Introvert or extrovert?
7) Why do you read my blog?
8) Favourite quote?
9) Favourite holiday location?
10) How long have you been writing?
11) Favourite TV show?
I was recently nominated for the lovely blog award and graciously accept. Thank you Tracy Rydzy for this nomination. http://ohwhatapain.wordpress.com.
Tracy has opened my eyes to the world of the chronic pain sufferer. Vic hides things from me because she tries to protect me. I am so healthy and do not know or understand pain. Tracy articulates pain and her journey beautifully and I am grateful to her for sharing her painful journey with the world. It is such a valuable source of information! It has given me an insight into the dark, fearsome world of pain. Thank you Tracy and all the people who I nominated. You and bloggers like Katie Mitchell – http://connectivetissuedisorders.wordpress.com, (who nominated Tracy), have made my world a better place. I thank you all.
The Rules for The Lovely Blog Award:
– Thank the person who nominated you and link to them in your post.
– Share seven unknown things about yourself.
– Nominate other bloggers and blogs that you like or admire.
– Contact the bloggers you nominate to let them know and to link them back to your post.
1. I cry in the shower
2. I only learnt to cook after I got married – the 2nd time!
3. My ultimate career would be to be a spy.
4. I want to be the oldest person to ever skydive
5. I read the eulogy section in the newspapers
6. I feel guilty because I am so healthy.
7. I am a loner.
I have nominated the following bloggers because I enjoy their blogs very much and have found their information and comments helpful:
I hope that you will take time out of your schedule to check out some of these beautiful bloggers. It is truly inspiring.
Lucinda Elliot, an accomplished writer, nominated me for the Silver Quill Bloggers Award. Her e-book ‘That Scoundrel Emile Dubois or The Light of Other Days’ came out in August and available from FirstyFish, Amazon, Smashwords, etc. Thank you Lucinda. I am so thrilled that a professional, published writer has nominated me! Lucinda’s blog address is: http://sophieandemile.wordpress.com/ and it is well worth visiting it! I use my blog as a coping mechanism. I have never written professionally, had anything published nor have I had any training.
My answers to the seven questions: –
1. Do you prefer rhyming or non rhyming poetry?
Rhyming, without a doubt.
2. Favourite Shakespeare play?
I first read Macbeth as a child and although I own the complete set of Shakespearian works, Macbeth remains my favorite. The witches scene is liltingly beautiful and is what drew me into Shakespeare’s world. We visited his birthplace and Anne Hathaway’s cottage in December.
3. Favourite author?
At the present, June Rachuy Brindle for her wonderful books on the Theseus legend, ‘Ariadne’ and ‘Phaedra’.
4. Name three people you admire.
Firstly – Nelson Mandela – one of the greatest statesmen the world has ever seen (and I have ever been privileged to meet)! Secondly – Archbishop Desmond Tutu who is the fairest and most just man I have ever met and most importantly my beautiful daughter Vicky. Vicky has battled ill health all her life, beaten all odds and astounded the medical world by surviving the death sentence she was born with. She does not know how to give up.
5. What is your favourite music album?
Phantom of the Opera – Andrew Lloyd Webber
6. Which colour do you most dislike?
7. Name a poem or song which makes you feel emotional.
According to the rules, I must nominate five other bloggers.
These are : –
To Accept the Award Nominees Must Follow These Simple Rules
1. Copy the award logo and paste it onto your post.
2. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them.
3. Answer the seven questions about yourself.
4. Nominate five more people.