Rest in Peace Angel Child


Yesterday the sun set on our tears and longing. This morning I lay awake watching the sun send it first rays through the silhouette of the oak tree in our garden.

“Rays of hope” I thought.

I lay there, my eyes still heavy with tears and sleep thinking how grateful I am that my child’s suffering is over…

Yesterday was a day filled with selfish sadness. All I could think of was how much I miss Vic; how empty my life is; how much pain we are in… For one day I “forgot” her terrible suffering. Her tears of pain and frustration. This morning I thought back to Vic vomiting pure, bright red blood, crying “Mommy I broke another vertebrae”.

This morning I remembered that Vic had absolutely no quality of life. I remembered my fear that her suffering would never end… I remembered my prayers, pleading with God to end Vic’s suffering.  Alberton-20120114-00781  Image (178)

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So, today I will allow peace back into my heart. I will do my best to be a good back-up mommy to the boys. I will try to live with my pain. And when sadness threatens to overwhelm me I will force my mind back to Vic’s words “I can’t do this anymore”. I will remember the indignity that she lived; her tears…

I will remember my baby girl’s laugh; her beautiful eyes; the rich texture of her hair. I will honour her pure heart, compassion and goodness.

I will celebrate the fact that Vic is now free of pain, indignity and loneliness. I will visualize Vic running free in Heaven.

Rest in Peace my Angel Child. You are ALWAYS     in my heart.

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Godliness of a mother


“The woman who creates and sustains a home and under whose hands children grow up to be strong pure men and women, is a creator second only to God”   Helen Marta Fiske Hunt Jackson

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Vic raised two magnificent young men.  They have beautiful manners, they are respectful to their elders and especially women.  They are gentle, compassionate and like their mom they speak badly of no one.  They have a wonderful set of values and morals.

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Vic had so little time to raise her boys.  She spent most of their lives in a hospital bed or in bed at home.  The boys grew up doing their homework in her room, helping her cook… Jared was four years old when he made his (and his brothers) bed.  “Because Mommy’s back is sore”…

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The boys are old souls.  They have witnessed so much pain and suffering… They have lived with, and cared for, a dying mother.

There was almost a Godliness to the way Vic raised her boys.  Vic taught the boys to love their Lord.  It shows in their pure hearts.  Her legacy lives on through and in her boys.

I am so proud of you my Angle Child.  You did good!

 

The Anniversary


There are times in the life of a terminally ill person that death is no longer the enemy but rather a friend.  Vic too surpassed all anniversaries and eventually I though she was invincible.  But with invincibility comes pain, indignity, despair, depression…  Thinking of you Mike in your brave journey.

Gramps was here…..


Vic and her Gramps 1.4.2011
Vic and her Gramps 1.4.2011

Monday 7.1.2013  was a crazy day.  Vic was not in a good space.

Angela, Vic’s BFF came to visit.  She is not only beautiful but also a calm and serene person.  She radiates goodness.  Angela being here gives me some time because I really trust her.  I am able to get some essential chores done knowing that she is keeping an eye on Vic.

“Gramps was here” Vic said.

“How is he?” I asked

“I don’t know.  He just came to tell me how much he loves us all…” Vic replied

My Dad forgot how to breathe on the 15th of May 2011.  He died in our home (in the very same room as Vic) surrounded by his beloved family.  At times he was a stranger in the world.   Some days he woke up in a room he could not remember from one nap to the next, lived with “strangers” and thought I was my Mom.  Despite the advanced Alzheimer’s, he never forgot who Vic was and that she was ill.  At times he forgot whether she was in hospital or out but he never forgot her or that she was ill.

“He has come to take you by your hand Sweetie…”  I said

“I KNOW Mommy” she said impatiently.

Lee, Jared’s BFF mom popped around with a huge basket of exquisite flowers.  Of course, Vic immediately got a bee in her bonnet and had to get out of bed.  Always the social animal!

Esther arrived and Vic burst into tears when she saw her sister.

“I am so scared Sis” Vic cried in her sisters arms.

Esther has become Vic’s “coach”.  She has the love for Vic to ask her what is holding her back; she tells Vic to run towards the light; to let go – the boys are safe are cared for.  She holds Vic and dries her tears….

Danie took the boys for a haircut and new school uniforms.

In the afternoon Joanna, one the Jon-Daniel’s primary school friends’ Mom, popped in for a visit.  It was touching when she spoke with Vic and apologized for coming to visit too late.  Vic was sleeping and not aware of the visit.  Joanna left with tears streaming down her cheeks.  She left a little gift for Vic

“I wrote your name in the sand
But the waves blew it away
Then I wrote it in the sky
But the wind blew it away
So I wrote it in my heart
And that’s where it will stay.”

 Siza arrived and told me that Sue would be in tomorrow morning to assess Vic.  She said Vic’s colour is very poor and the circulation in her legs bad.  Siza is of the opinion that the most humane thing to do for Vic would be to sedate her…  Her body is building up so much adrenalin fighting death that it is preventing her from dying – despite the organ failure.

I am torn.  My poor child’s anguish and pain sears through every nerve ending in my body.  Not only mine but also the rest of the family’s…..I want the emotional side of her journey to end.  But when I think that I will never hear her voice again, that I will never hear her cry and plead again… I want to die.  Sedation can end her emotional anguish, but deprive us of last words.

When I walked into Vic’s room after Sr Siza left Vic said “I just saw Dries.  He came to visit.  I have thought of him the whole day….”

Dries is a dear family friend who died last year…

In the evening Judy (Dries’ widow) popped around for a visit.  When I told her that Vic had seen Dries she burst into tears.  She said, her sister Lida, a deeply religious woman, told her earlier in the day that she had dreamt of Dries and that Dries was going to come and “fetch” Vic…

I pointed out to Judy that Dries, who was a tour guide by profession, would take Vic on the scenic route…

We laughed.

Later in the evening Bella, one of the ministers in my Church, and James, the senior elder, came to visit.  Bella, a dear friend over the years, spoke to the boys with so much compassion.  He grew up in a home with a mother who was ill.  He said that the congregation has never stopped praying for us as a family.  He said the congregation carries us in their hearts.  (One day I will still blog about Bella and his amazing ability to “pray Vic out of the claws of death”…)

We all stood holding hands around Vic’s bed whilst Bella said a beautiful prayer for Vic and the family.  Someone stifled a little sob.  There was absolute peace and a Godly presence in Vic’s room.

Related posts:

Rest in peace dear friend    https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/07/rest-in-peace-dear-friend-7-8-2012/

For some dying is hard work   https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/18/487/

“Next year my mom and I are going to Italy”


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Sue saw Vic this morning.   Her liver is very distended and exerting pressure on the right lung.   I now have to use her little arms and legs as injection sites.  I HATE injecting her in the legs.  The doctor fears that she will develop abscesses on her bum.  The entire derriere area is full of lumps and bruises.  When I inject her the injection site becomes “lemon-peely”.  The immediate area swells and becomes hard.  Sometimes there is a fair amount of bleeding or serum loss.  Her tissue is POOR!!!

I discussed various central line options with Sue.  Vic refused point-blank to even consider it.  Vic has been mainlined so many times.  She always asked the anaesthetists to not tape her hair to the central line….  Vic went into septic shock from a CVV, had the needle inserted into an accessory vein and had to be returned to theatre for the removal of the needle and the cauterization of the puncture wound in the vein….  Due to her poor tissue and bleeding tendencies it took two hours!

So we discussed the way forward.

Sue gave us a script for Pethidine.  We will alternate the morphine and Pethidine six-hourly.  The poor pharmacist….  She went into shock when she heard that the morphine is NOT being replaced by the Pethidine… that it is in addition to the morphine.

Now it is only a matter of time.  Vic’s organs are slowly shutting down.  My child is gently being eased into death.

The entire day it echoed through my mind “we cannot stop this.  It is happening”

Vic is calm and serene.

“Next year my mom and I are going to Italy” she told Sue today.

“Then I can die…”

“We will find a way my love” Sue said…

“It is closer that she realises” Sue said to me at her car

Do I tell her?” I asked

“No, her body will…” Sue said

I cannot bear the thought of living without Vic.

 

We need a miracle again….


Daniel and Vic 29-01-07

Sr Siza examined Vic today.  She phoned Dr Sue who will be in tomorrow morning.  She also brought a script with for Dalacin antibiotics.  The cellulitis has spread to all three the subcutaneous sites.

Siza expressed her concern at Vic’s decline…

Last Friday Danie, my husband, came and sat next to me and said “I know everyone says it will be better for Vic to die than live in this pain but I was thinking how hard it will be for us without her…”

That statement really shook me.  Up until now death has been a hypothetical issue… Doctors diagnoses and prognosis…predictions…  I have never really considered living without my child.

Last week Siza and I met with the CEO of Amcare, a large community project that provide community based feeding schemes, HIV/AIDS Counselling, Home-based care, skills development, ARV Clinic, women and children shelters.   We are hoping that they will “host” our Hospice at their premises.

The CEO knows Vicky and the boys.  Jared was confirmed in his church earlier this year.

I shared with them how difficult it was to get a terminally ill person into a Hospice Program and that 95% of the dying population die in pain.  Vernon (CEO) quietly listened to us and explained how difficult fundraising is.  Christians are tight with their money…

Vernon then shared the following with us.

“In 2007 I was driving home from a meeting when I felt this urgent need to see Vicky.  I knew she was in hospital as she was on the prayer list.  I drove to the Donald Gordon (Hospital) and was directed to the ICU.  The nurses welcomed me although it was way past visiting time.”

“Pray for her.  We are switching the machines off tomorrow morning…” they said.

I stood next to her bed, raised my arms and prayed that God would spare Vicky for her little boys.  I stood next to a dead person that night.  Two days later I heard that Vicky did not die when the machines were turned off…”

I just stared at him.  I was speechless…  I had no idea!   It was the first time I had ever heard the story!

In June 2007 Vic had developed ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome) after a series of operations trying to close up an abdominal fistula.  Her body was excreting up to 7 litres of faecal matter a day and she had every superbug the ICU could offer.  On the Tuesday Vic went into respiratory failure and was ventilated.  I was talking to her when the doctors rushed us out of ICU and put her onto the ventilator.  By the Thursday her kidneys and liver had started shutting down.

ARDS is a severe lung syndrome (not a disease) caused by a variety of direct and indirect issues. It is characterized by inflammation of the lung parenchyma leading to impaired gas exchange with concomitant systemic release of inflammatory mediators causing inflammation, hypoxemia and frequently resulting in multiple organ failure. This condition is often fatal, usually requiring mechanical and admission to an intensive care unit.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acute_respiratory_distress_syndrome

My BFF, Gillian drove 350 kilometres to be with me.  On the Thursday there was absolutely no sign that Vic could or would recover.  Vic had a DNR and a living will that she had provided the hospital.

That evening one of the ICU doctors, Liam, hugged me and said “Mommy, Vic is tired.  You must let her go…”

Gill, Leeann (Vic’s friend) and I went home after visiting hour to talk to the boys.  They were already in bed when we arrived home.  We sat with them

Guys, you know how ill Mommy has been….Mommy’s lungs are not able to work on their own.  Mommy’s kidneys and liver is also not working that well anymore.  The doctors feel that Mommy will not be able to breathe without the machines and that Mommy has suffered too much.  They think it will be better for Mommy to be taken off the machines…”

Jared quietly started to cry.  Jon-Daniel was stoic.  Jared was 10 years old and Jon-Daniel 8 years old.

“What will happen with us Oumie” Jon-Daniel asked.

“Sweetie, Oumie and Oupie will ALWAYS be here for you.  This is your home.”

Jared cried himself to sleep.  Jon-Daniel just clung to me.  The three of us shared a bed that night.

The next morning early Gill, Lee and I set off to hospital.  When we arrived I said “I am not going into that hospital until I have prayed in the Chapel.”

The three of us prayed and it was with absolute certainty that I KNEW Vic would not die that day.

Family and friends drifted in and out of the waiting room the whole day.  My minister came and prayed for my child.  Everyone said goodbye.

That afternoon Danie and I were allowed to see Vic.  The “invasive” ventilator had been disconnected and she had a mask-like ventilator covering her face.  It was a grotesque sight.

Danie held her little hand and his tears dripped onto her arm.

Oh sweetie” he said, the sorrow and pain raw in his voice.

Vic opened her eyes and said “Daddy”….

Three days later Vic was discharged from ICU….. It was not her time.

Today I looked at her and fear struck at my heart.  My child is slowly slipping away.  Her little body is tired of the pain.  Her little organs are enlarged and diseased.  Her bones weak….

And the realisation hit home…. We need another miracle.

God please have mercy on my child.