The Anniversary


There are times in the life of a terminally ill person that death is no longer the enemy but rather a friend.  Vic too surpassed all anniversaries and eventually I though she was invincible.  But with invincibility comes pain, indignity, despair, depression…  Thinking of you Mike in your brave journey.

Gramps was here…..


Vic and her Gramps 1.4.2011
Vic and her Gramps 1.4.2011

Monday 7.1.2013  was a crazy day.  Vic was not in a good space.

Angela, Vic’s BFF came to visit.  She is not only beautiful but also a calm and serene person.  She radiates goodness.  Angela being here gives me some time because I really trust her.  I am able to get some essential chores done knowing that she is keeping an eye on Vic.

“Gramps was here” Vic said.

“How is he?” I asked

“I don’t know.  He just came to tell me how much he loves us all…” Vic replied

My Dad forgot how to breathe on the 15th of May 2011.  He died in our home (in the very same room as Vic) surrounded by his beloved family.  At times he was a stranger in the world.   Some days he woke up in a room he could not remember from one nap to the next, lived with “strangers” and thought I was my Mom.  Despite the advanced Alzheimer’s, he never forgot who Vic was and that she was ill.  At times he forgot whether she was in hospital or out but he never forgot her or that she was ill.

“He has come to take you by your hand Sweetie…”  I said

“I KNOW Mommy” she said impatiently.

Lee, Jared’s BFF mom popped around with a huge basket of exquisite flowers.  Of course, Vic immediately got a bee in her bonnet and had to get out of bed.  Always the social animal!

Esther arrived and Vic burst into tears when she saw her sister.

“I am so scared Sis” Vic cried in her sisters arms.

Esther has become Vic’s “coach”.  She has the love for Vic to ask her what is holding her back; she tells Vic to run towards the light; to let go – the boys are safe are cared for.  She holds Vic and dries her tears….

Danie took the boys for a haircut and new school uniforms.

In the afternoon Joanna, one the Jon-Daniel’s primary school friends’ Mom, popped in for a visit.  It was touching when she spoke with Vic and apologized for coming to visit too late.  Vic was sleeping and not aware of the visit.  Joanna left with tears streaming down her cheeks.  She left a little gift for Vic

“I wrote your name in the sand
But the waves blew it away
Then I wrote it in the sky
But the wind blew it away
So I wrote it in my heart
And that’s where it will stay.”

 Siza arrived and told me that Sue would be in tomorrow morning to assess Vic.  She said Vic’s colour is very poor and the circulation in her legs bad.  Siza is of the opinion that the most humane thing to do for Vic would be to sedate her…  Her body is building up so much adrenalin fighting death that it is preventing her from dying – despite the organ failure.

I am torn.  My poor child’s anguish and pain sears through every nerve ending in my body.  Not only mine but also the rest of the family’s…..I want the emotional side of her journey to end.  But when I think that I will never hear her voice again, that I will never hear her cry and plead again… I want to die.  Sedation can end her emotional anguish, but deprive us of last words.

When I walked into Vic’s room after Sr Siza left Vic said “I just saw Dries.  He came to visit.  I have thought of him the whole day….”

Dries is a dear family friend who died last year…

In the evening Judy (Dries’ widow) popped around for a visit.  When I told her that Vic had seen Dries she burst into tears.  She said, her sister Lida, a deeply religious woman, told her earlier in the day that she had dreamt of Dries and that Dries was going to come and “fetch” Vic…

I pointed out to Judy that Dries, who was a tour guide by profession, would take Vic on the scenic route…

We laughed.

Later in the evening Bella, one of the ministers in my Church, and James, the senior elder, came to visit.  Bella, a dear friend over the years, spoke to the boys with so much compassion.  He grew up in a home with a mother who was ill.  He said that the congregation has never stopped praying for us as a family.  He said the congregation carries us in their hearts.  (One day I will still blog about Bella and his amazing ability to “pray Vic out of the claws of death”…)

We all stood holding hands around Vic’s bed whilst Bella said a beautiful prayer for Vic and the family.  Someone stifled a little sob.  There was absolute peace and a Godly presence in Vic’s room.

Related posts:

Rest in peace dear friend    https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/07/rest-in-peace-dear-friend-7-8-2012/

For some dying is hard work   https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/18/487/

“How did it get late so soon” – Dr Seuss


Two minutes to twelve…..

Today I read a lovely blog that Andrew had reblogged.  http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com/2012/11/10/living-with-cancer-its-about-time-nytimes-com/

Several studies have suggested that when dealing with terminal illnesses, especially cancer, doctors are usually incorrect in their prognosis, nearly always tending to believe that their patients will live longer than they actually do. 

In one study involving patients in Chicago hospice programs, doctors got the prognosis right only about 20 % of the time, and 63% of the time overestimated their patients’ survival.

Interestingly, the longer the duration of the doctor-patient relationship, the less accurate was the prognosis. “Disinterested doctors . . . may give more accurate prognoses,” the authors wrote, “perhaps because they have less personal investment in the outcome.” http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2012/04/doctors-incorrect-prognosis-terminal-illness.html

Eight years ago we were told that Vic’s life was “compromised” and that she would die within the next 5 years.  Eight years later Vic is still alive.    Maybe Vic’s doctor is too close to Vic….

Eleven years ago Vic had blotched back surgery setting her off on a journey filled with pain, 81 abdominal surgeries, years in hospital and millions of rands worth of medical expenses.

Vic realized that her life had been compromised and started saying “If only I can see Jared go to school…”  I remember her joy the first day Jared went to school.  Then she said “If only I can live to see Jon-Daniel go to school…”  I remember how desperately ill she was the day Jon-Daniels started school….

Now both her boys are in High School.  I never hear Vic saying “I wish” anymore.

Tonight we discussed going to the coast for a week in January.  Vic just shook her head sadly and said “It is too far Mommy.  Even if I fly down I think it will be too much for me…”

It is all about time.

Time grinds to a halt when Vic needs her 4 hourly pain medication and there is an hour to go… when she screams from pain and her blood pressure is too low for more pain medication to be administered…

The longest nights are the nights before surgery and after surgery.  The longest passage is the passage outside the operating theater and ICU.

Whilst I was in the UK Vic did well.  She fired her nurse and administered her own injections into her legs!  I have been home for six days and Vic is really ill.  I expected her to have the “up-time” whilst I was gone.  I knew that she would use every ounce of her residual strength to be “good” while I was gone.  Vic bounced around and amazed everyone who came into contact with her.  Cr Ceza, her Hospice sister, however spoke to her in the presence of Danie and Esther and told her that the ONLY reason she was feeling great was because her pain control was optimal.  Her body would however betray her.  She said that Vic’s body has started shutting down….slowly but surely.  The process is inevitable… I believe that Hospice is wrong.  They have to be wrong.

Tonight I am sitting here just wondering where time has gone.

The Blog I read today articulated my thoughts and emotions so accurately

“In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss, “How did it get so late so soon?” Without much of a future, surely time will again change.   A lot can happen in a year — think of the helpless infant becoming a walking, talking toddler in 9 or 10 months. Time moves more slowly for small children, since a year of a 2-year-old’s life is 50 percent of that life. A terminal diagnosis may also slow down time. The next year might be 100 percent of what’s left of my existence.”

Sometimes the time left seems too long; too many catastrophes could injure those I love. Sometimes it seems too short; there are so many suspenseful stories unfolding around me, and I want to see how they will turn out. Those for whom time’s chariot is indeed winged often attest to a heightened appreciation of their fast-fading prospects. And then there is always the dream of borrowed time, that numinous period beyond the predicted end, like a stay of execution, which must be fraught with its own blessings and curses. .  http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com/2012/11/10/living-with-cancer-its-about-time-nytimes-com/

We have already had so many “extra” years.  But the fact remains that Vic is ill.  Today she is more ill than yesterday or even last week or last month.  It is not an UTI causing the pain and fever.  Her pain control is good enough to mask symptoms.  Waves of severe nausea and cramping remain…

I don’t even want to consider the possibility that the pain is caused by Vic’s organs slowly starting to shut down….. One organ after another….  I have read that it feels “uncomfortable”.  It is called terminal agitation.

Only time will tell….  Time is all we have….

How did it get late so soon?

Related Posts:

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/15/remission-15-10-2012/https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/02/5-stages-of-dying/  https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/08/dummys-guide-for-the-parents-of-a-terminally-ill-child/ 

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/02/vic-regrets-not-going-to-italy/ https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/20/thank-you-god-20-7-2012/  https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/05/what-can-we-hope-for-when-there-is-no-hope/ 

Endometriosis, abdominal surgery, fistula and adhesions…..


Vic has had 81 abdominal surgeries in her life.  Vic’s first abdominal operation was at the age of 10 when she had her first batch of endometrioses surgically removed.

Endometriosis is a gynecological medical condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus (endometrium) appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the peritoneum which lines the abdominal cavity. The uterine cavity is lined with endometrial cells, which are under the influence of female hormones.

Endometriosis is typically seen during the reproductive years and it has been estimated that endometriosis occurs in roughly 6–10% of women.

About 93%–100% of people undergoing abdominal or pelvic surgery will form adhesions, but luckily most do not have complications of the adhesions.  Adhesions may also result from infectious processes, such as pelvic inflammatory disease.

Abdominal adhesions are bands of fibrous scar tissue that form on organs in the abdomen, causing the organs to stick to one another or to the wall of the abdomen. Scar tissue most commonly develops after abdominal surgery, in which organs are handled by the surgical team and are shifted temporarily from their normal positions. It can also form in people who develop peritonitis, an infection that has spread to the membrane that covers the abdominal organs. Vic has developed peritonitis on numerous occasions.  Peritonitis usually occurs after appendicitis or another abdominal infection such as Vic first developed after her blotched surgery when her small bowel was perforated.  https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/19/the-albatross/

There is no way to prevent adhesions. Abdominal adhesions can be treated, but they can be a recurring problem. Because surgery is both the cause and the treatment, the problem can keep returning. For example, when surgery is done to remove an intestinal obstruction caused by adhesions, adhesions form again and creates a new obstruction in 11% to 21% of cases.  http://www.intelihealth.com/IH/ihtPrint/WSIHW000/9339/9394.html?hide=t&k=basePrint#prognosis

Fibrous Bands of Adhesion – Bowel obstruction

In most patients, adhesions do not cause health problems. In a small number of people, like Vic, the fibrous bands of scar tissue block the intestines either completely or partially. This blockage is called a bowel obstruction, and it leads to death in about 5% of cases. Sometimes, an area of intestine that is affected by adhesions can keep becoming blocked then unblocked, causing symptoms to come and go. In about 10% of small-bowel obstructions, a portion of the bowel twists tightly around a band of adhesions. This cuts off the normal blood supply to the twisted bowel, causing what is called strangulation, and that section of bowel begins to die. When this emergency happens, the person must be taken to surgery immediately. The death rate is as high as 37% in people who develop strangulation.

Literally meters, of different parts of Vic’s intestines, has been removed.  Every time Vic had an obstruction she had surgery.  Vic has needed skin grafts to cover open wounds.  Vic developed numerous gastrointestinal fistulas.  Due to the extremely thin layer of skin covering her intestines the intestines have chaffed through.  Vic would lose up to 7 liters of feces  per day, through the fistula.

Now we cope with partial obstructions on a weekly basis.  We battle with poor absorption because Vic has lost critical parts of her intestines.  Vic will not have further surgery.  My child has been to hell and back.

No more surgery.

Ready for theater….again…..

 

 

 

Palliative care


Vic and her mommy

Today, having a loved one live with a terminal diagnosis for an extended period of time is fast replacing sudden and unexpected death as the norm. Ultimately, many will reach a point where medical technology may be able to keep them alive but can neither restore their health nor even improve their condition.  In actual fact they are merely kept breathing….   More treatment will only prolong their dying.

It is at this point that patients and families face difficult choices about the kind of care they want….

I have seen studies that clearly show that patients who access Hospice, earlier in the disease process, actually live longer than expected. Ironically it seems that Hospice, with its emphasis on quality of life, actually keeps people going. When people who are ill have good pain and symptom control and their caregivers are well supported, they don’t want to give up; they want to live longer.

Vic has reached a stage in her life where she wants to die.  She has absolutely no quality of life and is growing weaker by the day. Everyday Vic loses a little more of her independence and dignity.  Vic needs help with almost all her day-to-day activities.

Opinion polls decisively show that most people would prefer to die at home, free from pain and surrounded by their loved ones.  Sadly people often die alone in hospitals or nursing homes, attached to life support machines they do not want.  It is also a fact thatmany terminally ill people die excruciating painful deaths because, even in death, their doctors suffer from Opiophobia…

“Opiophobia is the syndrome of failure to administer adequate opioid analgesics because of the fear of producing addiction or toxicity. The etiology of opiophobia is multifactorial: Peer pressure (provider and patient), regulatory agency pressure (real or perceived), and lack of education on opioids and the fundamentals of pain management all contribute to its persistence…. All of these factors contribute to the underuse of these relatively simple and very effective medications, due to no fault of the patients. ” University of Wisconsin textbook on pain medicine, Bonica’s Management of Pain, 3rd edition:

I promised Vic no more surgery and no more hospitals. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/01/1-6-2012 The only humane option left is Hospice.  I have been fighting for Hospice to get involved with Vic’s palliative care not to hasten her death but to enhance her quality of life!

WHAT IS PALLIATIVE CARE

Palliative care is an approach that improves the quality of life of patients and their families facing the problem associated with life-threatening illness, through the prevention and relief of suffering by means of early identification and impeccable assessment and treatment of pain and other problems, physical, psychosocial and spiritual. Palliative care:

  • provides relief from pain and other distressing symptoms;
  • affirms life and regards dying as a normal process;
  • intends neither to hasten or postpone death;
  • integrates the psychological and spiritual aspects of patient care;
  • offers a support system to help patients live as actively as possible until death;
  • offers a support system to help the family cope during the patients illness and in their own bereavement;
  • uses a team approach to address the needs of patients and their families, including bereavement counselling, if indicated;
  • will enhance quality of life, and may also positively influence the course of illness;
  • is applicable early in the course of illness, in conjunction with other therapies that are intended to prolong life, such as chemotherapy or radiation therapy, and includes those investigations needed to better understand and manage distressing clinical complications. http://www.hospicepalliativecaresa.co.za/What_is_palliative_care.html

WHAT TO EXPECT
Should the patient be accepted onto a hospice programme, the Hospice team together with the patient will develop a tailor-made plan care plan. Usually patients are visited by the hospice staff in their own homes. The care and support of the hospice team will help the patient and family as they navigate their way through the challenges of living with a life-limiting condition.

The main things hospice can help with are:

  • pain and symptom control
  • psycho-social support and advise
  • spiritual support
  • emotional support
  • bereavement support
  • equipment (wheelchairs etc)

The challenges that we as a family must face with Vic’s terminal diagnosis is complex. It includes evolving new structures and dynamics as the person we love very, very slowly slips away.

Last night and again tonight, Vic said to me “Mommy, I know you think I will live forever but you must prepare yourself because I know how my body feels…”

As a family we have learnt to cope with setbacks, Vic’s health steadily deteriorating and  periods of seeming remission. This “extended grief”, wears us down and leads to the horrible realization that we sometimes find ourselves wishing that the process would end…. I have often said “Sometimes I am scared Vic will never die…”  I do not want my child to die.  I merely want her suffering to END!

As a family we have moved into a phase where the stress of the situation can no longer be ignored.  It is making all of us ill.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster!  On Tuesday I cried in front of a strange doctor.  Wednesday I felt that I was losing the plot.  I was unable to function on a professional level.   My mind was absolutely fogged over.  Thursday an angel named Christa evaluated Vic and I went from absolute despair to exuberance when I heard that Hospice’s Doctor would evaluate Vic on Monday morning…

Today when Jared and I were waiting to see the doctor after his CT scan we had a long chat…

He said “Oumie I can see when you are stressed.  You zone out…  You have been very stressed this week….”

“Yeah” I said.  “I have been a little stressed this week.”

“Since you starting writing your blog you no longer wear a mask Oumie…You handled the stress better before!  You always smiled.”

OMG.  What am I doing to the boys?  I realized today that I have to be more careful.  The mask has to go back on.  I scare them when I show my stress.  Imagine what it would do to them if they read my blog…..  Thank God they don’t!

I left the best for last though – no immediate lymph biopsy will be done on Jared.  The lymph nodes are definitely enlarged but there has been no adverse change in the past two and a half weeks.   We will give his kidney some time to heal and the CT scan will be repeated again in two months time.

I am feeling so positive!

There is a God and I thank him for Jared’s outcome, Hospice intervention, Baby Isak and my wonderful, loving family.  I pray that He will enfold Vic and the boys in His Mercy and Grace.  I pray for my mask!

Mommy I broke my Back!!


Vic as a young Mommy!

Vic has had an absolutely amazing week.  Her pain has been beautifully controlled.  We have had severe bouts of vomiting and cramping but compared to a month ago – it was a walk in the park!

The Jurnista is definitely working!  I have an appointment with Prof Froehlich on Tuesday, the 14th of August, and she will then give me feedback on Hospice.  I was completely prepared to tell her I don’t need Hospice on any level anymore.  Vic’s pain is so well under control that I can handle her care with no assistance or problems at all.

My baby sister (she is only 55 years old) Lorraine, spent some time with us over the long weekend in-between umpiring at the South African National Netball Tournament.  She was amazed at how well Vic looked.  (Remember she last saw Vic when she fell at the end of June).  Vic has been amazing.  This week she has been far more mobile.  She started thinking (arguing) about driving again…..  The first time in months!

This morning Vic went to breakfast with her friend Angela.  She was so excited.

Two hours later Vic literally shuffled into the house.  “Mommy I broke my back!”

My heart stopped.

On a certain level I am angry.  I am angry that Vic wasn’t more careful.  I am angry that I slipped into a false sense of security!  I am angry that the Jurnista is masking the pain so well that Vic is pushing her body’s boundaries.

Conclusion:  Vic is still a very sick little girl.  The fact that her pain is better controlled does not mean that she is well.  If any of us had spent the amount of time vomiting and cramping that she has this week we would be in bed hooked up to an IV and praying for death.  This week Vic’s amazing resilience again amazed me.  She is strong beyond comprehension!

My heart bleeds for her that her fragile body has once again failed her incredible will to live.  It is clear that she is merely holding onto life, as she knows it, with her fingertips……

I will go to the meeting with Prof Froehlich and continue my fight for Hospice to become involved.  Vic will never function on any level again.  She is confined to bed relying on medication to keep her sane.  Maybe she will have a good couple of days here or there but her sentence has not been commuted.

5 Stages of Dying


It became crystal clear to me when Vic yelled at me in the ICU that she had deep-seated anger issues with me and where she was in her journey.  Dying is unknown territory and none of us have walked this road. Yet we are all morbidly curious about dying. Everybody has some shadows of uncertainty.

According to Hospice there are FIVE stages of dying.

1.      DENIAL: “I’m too young to die. I’m not ready to die (is anyone ever really ready?)”  It became clear to me that despite the fact that Vic was sentenced ten years ago she is still in denial. Even after Brendan had informed her that nothing more could be done for her she still clings to her lifelong defiance of death. The prediction from one’s physician of imminent death can do several things. It can give you time to prepare, take care of business, close doors, make amends. The shock begins to ebb as you come to grips with approaching death.  Vic has some doors to still close.  Her business is in order.  She has written letters to her loved ones, bought major birthday gifts and cards for the boys

 2.      ANGER: Suddenly the terminally ill person is no longer in control of their life.  They have no choice any more – the die is cast….. They are going to die. This is really where Vic is now.  She has lost control of her life.  At the age of 37 she is living in her mother’s home, decisions are made for her she has become a child again.  Her anger on Sunday morning was directed at me.  Her profuse sense of helplessness and loss of control is however not a new feeling.  Vicky has endured a long, debilitating illness.  Doctor error has robbed her of a life.  Illness has robbed her of her dignity.  She is angry with God for allowing this to happen to her.  She is angry for God not taking her.  On Monday afternoon she said “Mommy, God does not even want me…”She has been robbed the opportunity to see her sons complete school, university, get engaged and eventually marry……  Many people die too early but at 37 it is mainly due to misfortune, wrong place wrong time, an accident…..  At the age of 27 Vicky was sentenced to death…..

 3.      BARGAINING: I do not know what bargaining Vic has done with her God.  I know that I have made lots of bargains with my God.  Just one more Christmas….. Just one more birthday…..

 4.      DEPRESSION: Knowing that you are dying must be depressing!  This must be a normal part of the process of preparing to die. Vic is depressed about her inability to deal with her responsibilities. Vic is too ill to get away from the symptoms of her illness …..  She waits for death every day. Vic is depressed about the pain that her illness is causing her sons, friends and family.  Vic is depressed because she feels that she has failed her sons.   Vic is depressed because she is lingering…. Vic is depressed about the loss of love that she has suffered.  Vic is depressed period!  But with good reason.  Antidepressant’s are part of the pain control regime.  If it is helping for her pain that is great.  I hate to think what her mental condition would have been if she had not been on antidepressants.

 5.      ACCEPTANCE: Vic is not at this stage yet.  This is one of the main reasons why we need Hospice.  Brendan (her Gastroenterologist) referred her to a councillor last year to guide her into this phase of her journey.  Vic went a couple of times and then it became a matter of budget – medication or counselling.  Medication won.  Hospice defines acceptance as follows…”Acceptance is NOT: doing nothing, defeat, resignation or submission.  Acceptance IS: coming to terms with reality. It is accepting that the world will still go on without you. Death is after all, just a part of LIFE.”

I see absolutely no peace in Vic.  She is still kicking and fighting.  At times she may fool herself into thinking or believing that she has accepted her situation but it is crystal clear to me that it is not the case.

We met as a family on Tuesday evening to discuss all our frustrations.  It becomes difficult to handle one’s day to day frustrations as we have different agenda’s.  A while back Vic asked my permission to give up.  She spoke to the boys.  We cried and gave her “permission”. 

The family immediately went into palliative mode.  No demands or expectations for any normal functionality from us to Vic….. Therein lies the issue.  We became an “Us” and “Her”… “Us” became the protectors and “Her” became the invalid.  We tippy toed around Vic.  The boys stop bothering her with everyday issues like “Can we go to the movies”; “please pick me up at 16:00”; “Do I have to go to extra lessons?” When we walked into her room and she was sleeping we would turn around and walk out.  We would show no concern for the amount of pain medication Vic was on. 

It is so easy to slip into a “mode”.  I took all responsibilities out of Vicky’s hands, we as a family organized our lives around her pain levels and energy (or lack thereof) levels, we stopped laughing and living in our house.  We were all dying!

When she lashed out at me in ICU I realized that we had serious problems.  Vic was not ready for Stage 5.  She started kicking against death – again.  Her fight is back.

It is however a difficult and delicate balance between pain-free and functional…..  Vic said that she wanted to reduce her pain medication as maybe she would not be so tired all the time.  By Monday evening she was in so much pain that she was vomiting.  She could not keep tablets down….. It took two days to get her pain under control again.

I have also read Katie Mitchells Blog on Chronic Pain and the way that brave lady articulates her battle with pain truly opened my eyes.  I realize now that I cannot take living away from Vic whilst she is still breathing.  I have to let go.  I cannot protect her against pain.  I cannot protect her against death.  I have to try to look at her through her pain filled eyes as I don’t understand pain or her frustration.  I am active and busy.  Today I joined a gym so I can train with the boys.  I do the things with her sons that Vic would LOVE to do!  A couple of weeks ago Vic said “You are the fun person in the family.  You do all the fun things with the boys” Obviously there must be resentment and anger (Stage 1). 

But we live in a civilized home.  We don’t scream, shout or curse.  We bury things under the carpet.  We walk away from conflict so we don’t know what the other is thinking or feeling.  We only see the veneer..… How terribly sad!!  We have lost our ability to function properly.

So from now when I am frustrated with Vicky attempts at doing things for herself or the boys I will leave her be!!  PLEASE God help me!!!!  I am such a control freak!!!  I will endeavor to not stop her from going for a cup of coffee with one of her friends.  I will just pick up the pieces afterwards. 

I have to stop being selfish.  I realize that I was trying to keep Vicky pain-free as it is easier for me to handle!!  Pain free means medication on the strict regime, no strenuous activities, protected and wrapped up in cotton wool.  Vic must make her own painful decisions.  If she wants to take the boys to school who am I to stop her?  Of course she must but not on 400 mg of morphine! 

The problem is that I look at Vic and all I see is that fragile little toddler…… And she is sick.  Very sick!  I want to protect her, breathe for her, die for her.  Vicky is my baby.

Relax, it’s just a bend, not the end!


Relax, it’s just a bend, not the end!.

I am dying 9.7.2012


I am dying 9.7.2012.

“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die. I am motivated by nothing yet I move on… “


“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die. I am motivated by nothing yet I move on… “.

“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die. I am motivated by nothing yet I move on… “


“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die.  I am motivated by nothing yet I move on.  I have nothing but I have everything.  I just don’t want to understand.

Muriel posted this message on Vic’s Facebook page.  Today it echo’s my feelings.  I am so tired of living.  I am so tired of this miserable existence that we call life.  Surely, there must be more to life than breathing!

Today was a day out of hell.  I had to leave home early this morning as we were testing some systems that are critical to a contract that we are negotiating.  I got up with great difficulty, showered, and made Kreemy Meal for my family.  Both Jared and Vic need soft foods.  I left on time with strict instructions for Danie as to where and when to collect Vic’s morphine syrup from the Pain Clinic.

Within 5 minutes, I was stuck in terrible traffic.  Five lanes reduced to two…

Once we reached the test site, the subsystem manufacturers arrived 2.5 hours late!!  I phoned Vic to check on her only to be told that she had gotten ill all over herself!  She had to bath and I was not home to help her!  I told her to take anti-nausea tablets, lie down for 15 minutes, and take morphine tablets again.  Once she felt better, she would have to ask Primrose, the helper, to help her bathe.  I could not leave the test site.

Danie phoned to tell me – “No Morphine Syrup – come back next week”.  Some good news was that Esther came to visit and helped Vic bath.  That girl is an absolute saint!  Esther also took Jon-Daniel to the movies.  I am so grateful that he could get out of the house of gloom and illness.

Then the system failed…  The shipment would be delayed by at least another 5 weeks!

Another traffic jam to my next meeting…

An hour and a half later, I left the meeting for home and was stuck in the 17:00 peak hour traffic!  A 20-minute trip became a 1.5-hour trip!  Arghhhhhh

At home, I quickly prepared dinner. Vic has to have dinner by 18:30 as she must take her medication at 19:00.  In my haste I forgot poor Jared is only allowed pureed food so I started cooking (a second meal) some gem squash, potatoes, and carrots for him.  I put it through the strainer and rushed off to his room with a tray and his pureed food.  I do not know what I did but the next thing pureed vegetables and broken Noritake was all over the floor!  I just burst into tears.

I cannot believe that something that I would normally laugh off as an accident set me off.  Poor Jared had to eat soup for dinner.  He is so tired of soup!

Well today, I am fed-up with life.  I am tired to the core of my soul.  I do not want to hear that I am doing a great job or that I am strong.  I do not want to hear anything!  All I want is ONE carefree day in my life!! One day with absolutely NO responsibilities.

Oh dear God, the boys offered to do their Mom’s tablets tonight so I can have a full night’s sleep…What am I doing with my pity party?  I have Vic in tears because she is feeling guilty because of the stress her illness has caused me, the boys feel guilty because I am tired and Danie wants to take me away for a weekend so I can rest and relax…How can I ever relax whilst my child is so ill.  I do know I cannot afford to cry.  It distresses everyone around me.

I need a stronger anti-depressant.

I am going to bed.  I am going to feel sorry for myself in the privacy of my room where I cannot cause more stress in my family’s lives.  Life is already so hard for them.  Tomorrow is another day and we will face whatever life throws at us!

“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die.  I am motivated by nothing yet I move on.  I have nothing but I have everything.  I just don’t want to understand.

A lifetime ago…

Vic regrets not going to Italy


Vic regrets not going to Italy.

Vic regrets not going to Italy 2.7.2012


Nothing in the world can ever prepare a parent for that moment  when the death sentence is pronounced over your beloved child.   I remember it as if it was yesterday.

Thank God Vic was in ICU and heavily sedated at the time.  Brendan told us in the passage of the Donald Gordon.  Colin and I went into shock.  We did not ask a single question.  We just looked at him … Mute for that dreadful, heart wrenching, moment.

Later that day Colin and I went to Brendan’s consulting rooms and spoke with him.  I had so many questions and he had so few answers.  He basically said that with the Osteogenesis Imperfecta Vic’s tissue had been affected very badly.  The intestines were very poor and she had very bad endometriosis and abdominal adhesion’s.  The adhesions were the biggest threat…it would almost certainly cause blockages of the gastrointestinal or urinary tracts.  There would come a stage when they could no longer operate or her little body could not take the strain anymore…

Strange Vic knew…when she eventually came round she knew that life as she knew it was over.

When I broke the news to her she was calm.  See, all her life she knew that eventually this day would come.

The doctor recommended that we get in touch with Hospice.  We did.  We had a family meeting.  Colin parents, Danie and I and Vic and Colin.  Colin went through an anger phase.  He felt let down… he thought they would grow old together.  They had two little boys aged 3 and 5…  So many challenges!  So many emotions.  So many medical bills!  In 2002 Vic’s medical costs were R3.2m.  ICU Pharmacy accounts ran into the hundreds of thousands of rands!

With terminal illness come HUGE medical bills.  As long as there is money the doctors will operate and treat, hospitals will admit and treat…   Colin and Vic eventually lost their home due to medical bills and Danie and I started taking additional bonds against our property.

When faced with the news that a family member has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, many people worry about what they should say and do. They want to help, but often don’t because they are afraid they will say or do something that will further upset the loved one.

Terminally ill persons have the same physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as everyone else. What they need most of all is to be cared about, not just cared for.

Someone said that they do not see Vic anymore as they had already said their goodbyes…they could not handle the emotional trauma of going through the goodbyes time and time again.  In their lives Vic no longer lives….

When the time comes I wish I could have a “by invite only” funeral for Vic.  If you cannot care about Vic whilst she is alive why on earth would you want to attend her funeral?  It has been 10 years and Image

Physical Care is certainly the most difficult part of the dying person’s journey as far as I am concerned.  The control of acute and chronic pain is the biggest challenge that we face.  Medication every four hours is a challenge.  The days are fine but the nights – well that’s a different matter.  It is easier to stay awake until 03:00 and then go to sleep.  Danie or the boys are up by 07:00 so I sleep in.  Getting enough pain medication prescribed is the BIGGEST challenge of all.  Vic’s medical is exhausted within the first two months of the year and thereafter is a nightmare!

The other issues that we have to contend with is constipation, nausea and weakness.   Often Vic is too weak to get out of bed on her own and needs help to get to the bathroom and back.  Showering and shaving her legs is a challenge.  Almost the biggest challenge is Vic’s hair!  Vic has a thick bunch of hair and she will not wash and towel dry it!  Her hair must be blow dried!

Vic went through many stages –  anger, sadness, anxiety, and fear.  It is strange that at first we all go into denial.  Even now I still do.  Vic said earlier this week:  ” Mommy, I am so happy I will be around for Jared’s confirmation.  I know I won’t be at Jon-Daniel’s confirmation”  I immediately retaliated and said “Of course you will be baby.  You just have to keep fighting”   Why did I feel compelled to make an empty promise?

Vic’s emotions are real.  Touch is comforting to her.  She loves being hugged, touched, kissed.  She appreciates the truth.

If it had not been for Vic’s positive attitude towards life and determination to bring up her boys herself, she would have died many years ago.

Vic is now tired and ready to die.

Vic regrets not going to Italy.  She desperately wants to go to Chaka’s Rock one more time.  She wants to see her boys grow up.  She wants to make a speech at their 21st birthdays!

As a family, there is nothing unsaid.  We love Vic and she knows it.  She will continue to live even after she stopped breathing.  We will honor her wishes for the boys and keep her memory alive.  Vic may stop breathing one day but she will always live in our hearts.

Vic’s fears 2.7.2012


Vic’s fears 2.7.2012.