I often read about a child that had been ill for a long time and the parent being in denial. Death is never discussed. I know it may take months or even years for Vic to die. Maybe, with a bit of luck, I will die before she does. But when either one of us dies there will be nothing unspoken. Vic and I talk a lot. We talk about many things. If ever I think of something that I am not certain of, I ask her immediately.
I have fully accepted that Vicky is always walking the tightrope even when she is doing great. It is the nature of the beast and the beast can take you by surprise.
We have spoken about heaven and what a peaceful, healthy place it will be. We often speak about meeting again in heaven and Vic always says she is not scared of dying. Vicky feels terrible about leaving us behind. She worries about leaving us all behind. She worries about how sad we will be. I wish I knew what to say to truly put her mind at peace and to let her “let go”…
It was very difficult to first raise the question of death. It started approximately 8 years ago with a tentative “Sweetie, is all your paperwork in order before you have this surgery?” and progressed to discussing and shopping for 18th birthday gifts, Confirmation bibles and 21st Birthday Keys. It was strangely “pleasant” going shopping with Vic. I knew that her mind was at ease having done the shopping. Maybe she will be around for these milestone events. Maybe not….. But Vic is prepared. She is far more prepared than I am. She has written letters to be read after her death. She has “special events” cards that I will give the boys when the occasion or need arises.
To arrive at the point, where we are, has been hell! No matter what age your child is, when you first find out that your child is terminally ill, your initial instinct is to shelter the child. (Regardless of the child’s age – the child will always remain the child!!) The parent’s first instinct is to leave no stone unturned. You watch the child like a hawk, looking for small signs of improvement or deterioration, looking for symptoms, hoping against all hope that the doctor made a mistake!
I analyze every ache and pain, hoping that the stomach cramps are merely side effects of the medication. I know when Vic is heading for a UTI; I know how her body reacts to different medications. Unfortunately there is no “Dummy’s Guide for the Parents of a Terminally ill Child”.
Professional counselling is available at a terrible cost. By the time your child is diagnosed or rather sentenced to terminal illness, hundreds and hundreds of thousands of rands has been spent on medical bills. Within two months of the new medical year the medical aid is exhausted….. The medication and treatment cannot stop regardless of the claimable amount left on the medical aid limits… I have said it before – morphine or counselling???? No contest! Morphine wins hands down. Now in a civilized world Hospice should enter the picture at this stage….. Unfortunately we live in South Africa and Vic does not have AIDS or cancer. I pray that she will find the peace that I know she does not have.
No-one in the world can live in so much pain for so long!
It has to end sometime.