Messages from Heaven – 1

On the 24^th of August, Vic’s eldest son married the love of his life. The morning before the wedding, he stood talking on his cell phone when out of the blue a little white feather stuck to the screen of his phone… Vic communicates with us through feathers. This was his message from Heaven

Planning a wedding where the bride is surrounded by loving parents whilst the groom had lost both parents is hard. Keeping the balance between remembering and hoping, missing and embracing is hard. Kirsten was sensitive to Jared’s feelings and I am grateful to her for this.

Jared did not want his parents absence to overwhelm the day but he wanted to honour his them. They decided on photographs in front of the Church

I was filled with sadness knowing how desperately Colin and Vicky would have wanted to be there. I know how desperately Jared wanted his parents at his wedding… Positioned to the left of the bridal couple, there was a table with three photographs. There was a photograph of Colin, Jared’s dad. The second photograph was of Vicky and was placed in the middle. The third photograph was of Kirsten’s grandfather.

During the service, with a loud bang, Vic’s photograph fell over… I smiled and looked at my husband acknowledging Vic’s presence. The photographer picked up the photograph and positioned it properly. Five minutes later a huge bang… Vic’s photograph had fallen over…again. This time the photographer was busy snapping away and Kirsten’s one bridesmaid picked up the photograph and firmly positioned it on the table.

I KNEW Vic was there and making her presence known.

I was mesmerised by the photograph. In my mind, I said, “Vic, if you are here your photograph will fall over again…” The photograph started moving forward and fell over…

Vic was at her boy’s wedding.

The wedding was beautiful and filled with love, hope and tomorrows

Everyone remembered Vic and Colin in their speeches. Some tears fell but it was a day filled with tomorrow. The mother and son dance was heartbreaking. Jared and I cried. Vicky should have been there in her son’s arms dancing to I’ll be Around

https://youtu.be/CsY07KFALa

God speed Jared and Kirsten. We are so happy for you. It was a beautiful wedding and know that your guardian angels were there witnessing your vows and joy

Daddy don’t leave me…. 12.1.2013

A year ago I posted this. Yesterday we had visitors. We swam; the grandchildren laughed and joked, played hide and seek; we ate spaghetti bolognaise and ciabatta. I sat looking at all the happy faces and remembered Vic clinging to Danie. I remember the fear in her eyes. Her desperation. Her final Sunday.

Vic was desperately trying to finish the cards she had bought the boys. She wanted to write the perfect words. Words that would reach out to her boys from the grave. I remember my fear and frustration. Frustration that the cards had not been written and fear that it would not get done. So much pressure in death…

Tuesday brought an avalanche of visitors. It was a very, very emotional day. Vic was confused and seeing visions of angels and dead loved ones.

Vic’s friend Angela has been absolutely amazing. She has sat through many hours of Vic’s tears and fears. She has consoled and supported – at great personal expense. I have used Angela as a sounding board and dragged her into discussions with Siza. I discussed sedation and treatment options with her. She has hugged and messaged. She has been a pillar of strength.

Leigh, Jared BFF’s Mom, walked in on Tuesday with armloads of flowers. Vic’s room looked and smelled like a garden! It looked absolutely beautiful and Vic was thrilled.

Vic has refused to let go. She is holding onto life with every fibre of her being. She does not want visitors to leave and will try to get out of bed when they are here.

She cries and keeps asking “How do I say my final goodbyes?”

Esther visits every day. She picks up the boys after school. She is Vic’s guide. “Go towards the light. The light is good!” she keeps telling Vic. Esther is a ray of sunshine and like the Rock of Gibraltar. She is Vic’s sister in love.

It is heart wrenching!

Vic clings to her dad and the boys. She puts out her arms and says “Daddy don’t leave me…” When she sees her boys she cries “Please give me a hug…” and then “I love you more than life and then some more…”

I hate my life. I wish I were dead.

Mother and Child

In the 206 days since Vic died I have never missed her as much as now.

My UK daughter-in-law and her three girls are visiting. The poor little poppets have all had a gastric bug. The girls are amazing and I love them with every fibre in my body and they love me too. What struck me once again this week is that incredible bond between a mother and daughter. When a child is ill they want their Mommy. There is no substitute for a Mommy.

Dr Christiane Northrup, author of the book Mother-Daughter Wisdom (Hay House), says: “The mother-daughter relationship is the most powerful bond in the world, for better or for worse. It sets the stage for all other relationships.”

No other childhood experience is as compelling as a young girl’s relationship with her mother. Mothers impart on their daughters how she feels about being female, what she believes about her body, how she takes care of her health, and what she believes is possible in life.

Jennie Hannan, executive general manager of services at counselling provider Anglicare WA, agrees. “How a woman sees herself, how she is in her adult relationships with partners, and how she mothers her own children, is profoundly influenced by her relationship with her own mother,” she says.

When Vic was ill she wanted her Mommy. Last year, when she had her arm operation, she was so distraught in ICU that the staff asked me to stay with her around the clock. With each and every major surgery she ever had (excluding one knee operation), my face was the first she saw. Vic knew that I stayed outside the ICU until she was released into the ward. More often than not, I was not allowed to sit with her all the time but she knew I was there.

I am not exactly gifted in sewing or knitting… (It was the only subject I ever failed at school) yet I knitted Vic a massive blanket in 2007 sitting outside ICU and next to her hospital bed. I only ever knitted at hospital and I am a very slow knitter. If we had buried Vic I would have buried her wrapped in her blankie… My life ground to an absolute halt when Vic was in ICU or hospital.

Witnessing this incredible bond the past 2.5 weeks has brought back incredible memories of Vic sitting on my lap, her little arms curled around me and her head nestled into my neck. That incredible trust and reliance between us.

My daughter-in-law and I sit and chat into the early hours of the morning. She has a happy disposition. Her life revolves around her family. She has an easy laugh and great sense of humour. If ever I went into a Quiz Show and there was show business section I would want her next to my side. When she goes to bed she gives me a hug. I love this woman for her kindness and compassion.

I realised how much I have missed that companionship, our chats into the early hours of the morning. Somehow it truly made me realise that my child is dead and I am alone.

Jared, Vic’s eldest has come down with the girls’ gastric bug. His dad brought him home early because he wanted to be home…. He got straight into bed. I sat down next to him and asked him how he was feeling. I could hear the tears in his voice when he said “really ill…” I could hear the forlornness in his voice; his longing for his mother to be sitting on his bed.

Dear Mommy… Words could never explain what you mean to me…It always meant so much to me that no matter how bad you felt or how sick you were, you always went out of your way to do anything and everything you could for us… Always going out of your way to make everyone’s life easier especially mine…

You were always my hero… No matter how sick you were every morning you woke up and got dressed. Even if you didn’t do anything you always looked your best…

I love you so much mommy… You made such an impact on everyone’s life that you will never be forgotten…you will forever live in our memories as the bravest woman and best Mommy of all time…

No one will ever be able to replace you…

Jared

Jared is alone today. Jon-Daniel lit candles for Vic when he arrived home. Jon-Daniel is alone today. How can such a tiny, sickly person leave such a horrific void in our lives? A mother and a child cannot be substituted or replaced. It is as simple as this.

Precious Vic, we miss you so much!! We are all feeling miserable without you. We miss that incredible bond we had with you. We want you back at home.

Watch These Two Men Experience Labor Contractions With Their Wives Coaching Them On

This is the funniest video I have ever seen!! Thank you Victoria Bruce.

The stench of hatred

On the 22nd of February I posted on a blotched back operation that Vic had and ultimately lead to her death. https://tersiaburger.com/2013/02/22/4027-days/

A family member commented “I hope one day you can forgive him, for he didn’t know what he was doing. I checked with Vicky, and she did.”

I know Vic had made peace with the surgeon. She died with no feelings of hatred in her heart. She bore no-one ill. Vic was a gentle, loving people-pleaser.

I am not. I have a dark side to me. I do not tolerate fools or bullies easily. I hate the surgeon and his compatriot in blotched surgery, Dr V, with every fiber of my being. He KNEW what he was doing. He admitted later that it was an experimental procedue…

I know exactly what the Bible says about forgiveness. I know how bitterness and hate affects one’s life. I know it robs one of your joys. I have read that you cannot enter Heaven if you have not forgiven. I have however also read, and choose to believe what is written in the Old Testament – an eye for an eye….

I received this lovely little anecdote today and thought, very sanctimoniously, that I would share it. When I however sat down and started typing I realized that I would be a hypocrite if I pretended to just pass on the moral of the story.

I know that hate contaminates everything.

The definition of Hatred:-

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Hatred (or hate) is a deep and emotional extreme dislike that can be directed against individuals, entities, objects, or ideas. Hatred is often associated with feelings of anger and a disposition towards hostility. Commonly held moral rules, such as the Golden Rule, oppose universal hatred towards another.

The Bible refers to hatred between 71 and 93 times in the Bible – depending on which version you read.

Both the Old and the New Testaments deal with hatred. David, in the Psalms, thanks God for destroying those that hate him, and thanks Him for hating his enemies.^[1] This is the era of wars and kingdoms; armies destroy enemies, hate is political and military. But it is also domestic: David’s sons hate each other, and Absalom will kill his half-brother after the latter rapes and spurns his sister. And after banishment, Abasalom will hate his father and try to destroy him. However, the Old Testament also contains condemnations of hatred. For example, ” thou shalt not hate thy brother in thy heart”.^[2] In the New Testament, hatred focuses on the soul. Evil is internalised and the focus of hatred becomes that part of the heart, the sinning self. The New Testament also clearly condemns hatred. Jesus contended that “whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer and you know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in himself.”^[3] But all people are, according to the gospels, sinners, and only have to look inside of themselves in order to find sin. Loving good means hating sin and turning from vice. Love, as Aquinas^{[citation needed]} teaches, must be divided into love of good things, the healthy movement of the soul true to itself, and love of inappropriate objects, the desire to have and use what may be bad for the soul.- Wikipedia

So herewith the anecdote…

A kindergarten teacher decided to let her class play a game.

The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes.

Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates.

So the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.

So when the day came, each child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week.

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended… The teacher asked: “How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?” The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.

Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said: “This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???”

Moral of the story: Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take!

Newsflash: I pray that I will find forgiveness in my heart for the good doctors but tonight my eldest grandson is lying in his room, reading a book of poetry Vic left him, crying for his mother. Nothing that I do or say can make his pain less or bring his mommy back.

So that stench of hatred…I will live with it. It fuels my hatred.

Children are so fragile…..

Day 22 has finally arrived. Day 21 dragged on and on… I waded through a haze of misery today. Jared had an horrible day. I could see he had cried.

Jon-Daniel has a friend sleeping over. He is a young boy of 14 who lost his dad to a drug overdose a year ago. I asked whether he had been for counselling. He said he had but that it had not really helped.

“I had to get over it by myself” this old soul said.

“The shrink kept telling me I must forgive my dad. I hated my father for using drugs. So I stopped going. He wasn’t listening to me so there was no point…”

I have to travel to an exhibition in the UAE from the 16^th – 21^st of February. Upon my return the boys and I will go and see the Hospice psychiatrist again. I think we would have worked through enough grief to be able to cope with this part of our journey.

Children are so fragile. On the surface they appear to be coping yet the pain lies shallow…

Last night Jon-Daniel cried. Today Jared battled to breathe.

Sweet 16

On the 26th of December 1996 Jared Colin Sadie was born. He was a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I cried with joy when I first saw him and that first “rush of love” hit me.

Vic fell pregnant 6 weeks after she got married. When the kids asked us whether they could get married I had a LONG talk to them about NOT having babies. They both said “We know…” I explained the dangers of passing the Osteogenesis gene onto a next generation of innocent children.

I will never forget that dreadful Sunday night when they told us that Vic was pregnant. My heart stopped. I sobbed in the shower. For the first time in her life I feared for Vic’s life.

Vicky refused flat out to have an abortion. She said the baby a gift from God. And so he was….

Jared is an amazing young man. According to our government he is now old enough to vote, get his learners licence for a motor bike and work… I look at him and I see a little boy who was going to be a stuntman; a young child helping his Mommy cook; get out of bed; walk down stairs…

Both Jared and Jon-Daniel are loving, compassionate monuments of Vic love and mothering.

Jared is a “computer nerd” with a wonderful personality. He has a keen sense of humour and wise beyond his years. He is fiercely protective of his mother. A very dear Saudi friend of mine says Jared has a “white heart”. (Albak Abyad” an Egyptian expression that indicates a person with a good heart. It’s literal translation to English is “You have a white heart” as opposed to being a bad person with a black heart).

Vic, once again, managed to get out of bed. She was falling asleep in her chair, but managed to visit with most of the guests who came, ate something and left. Laughter and joy reverberated through the house. Vic was the proud mother. It was a happy home for the day…

The boys have a hard time coming to terms with the stage that Vic’s illness is at. Jared’s first words when he comes back into the house after Siza leaves is “What did Hospice say?”. He researches every symptom and sends me links on liver and renal failure. He is an expert on Osteogenesis Imperfecta and was 9 years old when he spoke about his Mommy at a Public Speaking lesson at school. The subject was “My Hero“. We all expected him to speak of Nelson Mandela, but he chose to speak about his Mom. (His brother followed suit two years later)

He said that his mom is his hero because despite the fact that she is so ill she still looks after them…

Jared and his Mommy

Jared had a wonderful 16th birthday. He was absolutely thrilled with the Docking Station Vic had bought for him. As soon as he gets his license we will buy him a motorbike.

She ain't heavy - she is my mother — She ain’t heavy – she is my mother

Yesterday was a milestone in Vic’s life. I fear it may be the last she will reach. It is clear that Italy will not be possible.

I was so tired last night that I slept through Vic’s 23:31 and 03:00 “Vomiting” text messages…. Vic refuses to use the intercom! She feels it is “disrespectful”.

As much as Vic resents the fact I may have to bring in a night nurse.

I remember Vic’s 16th as if it was yesterday. Now she is a grown woman with two teenage sons – nearing the end of her tenure on earth

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/27/kidney-stones-on-the-move/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/10/i-am-taking-a-break-from-your-blog/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/07/chronic-illness-versus-terminal-illness/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/05/28/22-2-2002-to-28-5-2012/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/09/9-6-2012/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/16/and-the-winner-is/

The right to live with dignity

I just read two very insightful posts that Andrew of http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com posted/reblogged. The first was under the heading “Why not choose death” http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com/2012/12/04/why-not-choose-death-sunrise-rounds-sunrise-rounds/ and the second “Morphine too little or to much?” http://sunriserounds.com/morphine-too-much-or-too-little/

I read the articles through the eyes of a primary caregiver who has prayed for her child’s death many, many days. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=3&action=edit . BH, (Before Hospice), I often blogged about The Right to Die with Dignity…..

Over the past 10 years I have seen my child suffer so much indignity and indescribable pain. I have seen the despair in her eyes, the helplessness in the eyes of her boys….I have stood next to her bed and physically pulled my hair in frustration – tears pouring down my cheeks. I have wept before God and prayed for Vic to die. I begged God to take away her suffering.

I advocated the right to die with dignity.

Vic has been in the care of Hospice for the past 3 months. In this time Vic has been given a new lease on life. Hospice cannot change the prognosis but they have given Vic quality of Life. For the past three months Vic has been able to occasionally get out of bed, go for milkshakes with her boys, she went to Jared’s confirmation and Jon-Daniel’s honours evening. She completed her photo albums.

Vic is in renal and hepatic failure. Her tissue is horrendous. Her pain is under control! As and when symptoms surface, Vic’s medication is adjusted. She is treated with compassion and respect. Her wish is the teams command….

As the situation is now I am so grateful that my child is alive. I treasure every breath that she takes. We chat, laugh and cry. We dream of going to Italy in 2013.

So given the situation now what would I advocate – The right to die with dignity or the right to live?

I have no doubt that if Vic’s pain and symptoms got worse, I would want her suffering to end. If it remains as great as it is now of course I want her to live. But it is key that Vic is allowed to live with Dignity!

As much as I advocate the right to die with dignity I believe that the final decision lies with the sick person. It is not for family or physicians to play God. The patient has to be the only decision maker.

I must admit that if the decision was mine to make, my child’s suffering would have ended a long time ago.

We all have the right to Live with Dignity. There is a huge difference between breathing and living…

Breathe may refer to: Breathing, to inhale and exhale consecutively, drawing oxygen from the air, through the lung http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breathing

Life (cf. biota) is a characteristic that distinguishes objects that have signaling and self-sustaining processes from those that do not,^[1][2] either because such functions have ceased (death), or else because they lack such functions and are classified as inanimate. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life

BH (before Hospice) Vic breathed. Now she lives. She may not live for a long time but she has the right to live with dignity!

Relevant posts:

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/04/5-6-2012/ No one will love me ever again

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/12/12-6-2012/ (Eat, sleep, Vomit)

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/17/the-right-to-die/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/15/an-end-of-life-discussion-is-one-of-the-most-important-things-to-do-right/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/01/sometimes-the-pains-too-strong-to-bare-and-life-gets-so-hard-you-just-dont-care/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/09/14/palliative-care/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/22/rest-in-peace-tony-nicklinson-brave-warrior/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/20/768/ (How to die in Oregan)

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/02/5-stages-of-dying/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/13/im-going-to-dance-my-way-to-heaven-because-ive-already-been-through-hell-14-6-2012/

The night was not over…

Early this morning I posted “My child is in a pain-free sleep. I will now try to sleep. “Tomorrow may be a rough day” https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/07/tomorrow-may-be-a-rough-day/ not realising that the night was not over yet.

My poor child had a horrible night. The pain was under control, but her arm still throbbed, and she was restless. I was busy with some Christmas gifts. I tried to go to sleep, but gave it up as a bad job. So I wrote a post. At 2am this morning I had just “published” when Vic rang the intercom.

The intercom is her 911

I ran down the passage knowing that my poor child had vomited again. The poor little thing was standing in the shower covered in her 7 pm dinner and antibiotic tablets. The food had not digested at all. She was shivering and crying.

I cleaned up whilst Vic showered.

“I am sorry Mommy. I am so sorry Mommy”… Vic sobbed.

“I can’t do this anymore Mommy. I don’t want to live like this anymore….”

I eventually got into bed at 5am. Three hours sleep used to be enough sleep when I was younger. I think I am getting old. I need more than 3 hours. Maybe it is time to look at a night nurse…..

Hospice called early this morning. The antibiotics have been changed to IM injections. We cannot put up an IV drip. Sr Siza told Vic she should be admitted to hospital to have the abscess lanced and drained. Vic refused. “No more hospitals. Mommy you promised…”

Monday morning Dr Sue will come to the house and do the procedure here.

Yesterday I spoke with a wonderful young man, Marchelle. I was privileged to have worked with Marchelle worked for a couple of years. Unfortunately we lost a large contract and had to go our separate ways.

Marchelle has a pure heart. He is selfless and one of the very few people I trust with every fibre of my being. Marchelle has never let me down.

Marchelle told me he is following my blog. He asked me whether I thought the situation is truly as bad as Hospice say it is. I said I did.

He asked “what is different this time? You have been told so many times that Vic was dying, and then she bounces back…”

I started giving him the facts; Vic is in renal and hepatic failure… This time she cannot bounce back. Organ failure is organ failure…. Talking to him I thought “Marchelle is right! Why am I giving up this time? I have NEVER given up on my child, and I will not give up now.”

I walked into Vic’s room and stood in the door looking at my beautiful little girl sleeping. I am so tired that I am allowing the negativity of the situation to get to me. It was however only at 4:00 am that the reality of Vic’s situation re-settled around my heart like a lead jacket – I know my child has had enough.

Marchelle said he prays for us every day, and I believe him.

This morning Vic took her precious boys to pick up their report cards. Both Danie and I said we would take them. Vic very politely refused. She wanted to take her boys. She wanted to be first to see their marks. Maybe for the last time…

She was absolutely delighted with their marks. The boys had worked hard and deserve every mark they received. I wonder whether the boys will remember in the years to come that their Mommy got out of her sick- bed to go with them to collect their 2012 report cards.

We are so proud of them. They are brave kids.

On Sunday we will celebrate my birthday. On the 24^th we will have our first Christmas dinner with Lani, Tom and all their kids. Simone still believes in Santa! On the 25^th we will go to Church. On the 26^th we will celebrate Jared’s birthday. On the 27^th we will start planning our New Year celebrations.

Forward planning is “The power of positive thinking”…

Vic is sleeping peacefully

It is 12:42am and Vic is sleeping peacefully. She had a “good” day. In between her naps she had lunch with a friend, a visit from Esther and a walk in the garden with Jared!

Vic’s legs are growing very weak. The cellulitis on her arm has worsened despite the antibiotics. It is now oozing pus. Sr Siza will see her tomorrow, and I believe Vic will have to go onto IV antibiotics. She had a violent vomiting spell just after she took her antibiotic tablets tonight. It is very difficult for her to keep tablets and food down. Despite the six-hourly anti-nausea injections she has…. And of course there is the problem of the poor absorption.

“I can’t do this anymore…” Vic mumbled to herself tonight after the vomiting episode.

The situation is getting to Danie. My poor husband tries so hard to be strong and make life easier for the rest of us. Jared and Jon-Daniel are deeply conscious of the situation.

“Life will be horrible without Mommy” Jared said today. “She takes so much of our time, and such a big space in our lives…. Mommy has such a presence Oumie…”

We spoke about his little brother and Jon-Daniel’s inability and aversion to discuss his emotions.

I realised that the boys are already starting to dread the void Vic’s passing will leave. Anticipatory grief is a killer. It is unfair that these two beautiful boys have to experience so much pain and hardship in their young lives. They should be riding their bikes and getting up to mischief. Now they are stressed out because their mother is dying.

I am too tired to write anything that makes sense. I just need to record today. I never want to forget today.

I want to remember how I felt when I lay with my child this afternoon. I want to remember her tears when she spoke to her sister. I want to remember the smell of her vomit. Maybe it will make it easier to accept later on.

We need a miracle again….

Sr Siza examined Vic today. She phoned Dr Sue who will be in tomorrow morning. She also brought a script with for Dalacin antibiotics. The cellulitis has spread to all three the subcutaneous sites.

Siza expressed her concern at Vic’s decline…

Last Friday Danie, my husband, came and sat next to me and said “I know everyone says it will be better for Vic to die than live in this pain but I was thinking how hard it will be for us without her…”

That statement really shook me. Up until now death has been a hypothetical issue… Doctors diagnoses and prognosis…predictions… I have never really considered living without my child.

Last week Siza and I met with the CEO of Amcare, a large community project that provide community based feeding schemes, HIV/AIDS Counselling, Home-based care, skills development, ARV Clinic, women and children shelters. We are hoping that they will “host” our Hospice at their premises.

The CEO knows Vicky and the boys. Jared was confirmed in his church earlier this year.

I shared with them how difficult it was to get a terminally ill person into a Hospice Program and that 95% of the dying population die in pain. Vernon (CEO) quietly listened to us and explained how difficult fundraising is. Christians are tight with their money…

Vernon then shared the following with us.

“In 2007 I was driving home from a meeting when I felt this urgent need to see Vicky. I knew she was in hospital as she was on the prayer list. I drove to the Donald Gordon (Hospital) and was directed to the ICU. The nurses welcomed me although it was way past visiting time.”

“Pray for her. We are switching the machines off tomorrow morning…” they said.

“I stood next to her bed, raised my arms and prayed that God would spare Vicky for her little boys. I stood next to a dead person that night. Two days later I heard that Vicky did not die when the machines were turned off…”

I just stared at him. I was speechless… I had no idea! It was the first time I had ever heard the story!

In June 2007 Vic had developed ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome) after a series of operations trying to close up an abdominal fistula. Her body was excreting up to 7 litres of faecal matter a day and she had every superbug the ICU could offer. On the Tuesday Vic went into respiratory failure and was ventilated. I was talking to her when the doctors rushed us out of ICU and put her onto the ventilator. By the Thursday her kidneys and liver had started shutting down.

ARDS is a severe lung syndrome (not a disease) caused by a variety of direct and indirect issues. It is characterized by inflammation of the lung parenchyma leading to impaired gas exchange with concomitant systemic release of inflammatory mediators causing inflammation, hypoxemia and frequently resulting in multiple organ failure. This condition is often fatal, usually requiring mechanical and admission to an intensive care unit. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acute_respiratory_distress_syndrome

My BFF, Gillian drove 350 kilometres to be with me. On the Thursday there was absolutely no sign that Vic could or would recover. Vic had a DNR and a living will that she had provided the hospital.

That evening one of the ICU doctors, Liam, hugged me and said “Mommy, Vic is tired. You must let her go…”

Gill, Leeann (Vic’s friend) and I went home after visiting hour to talk to the boys. They were already in bed when we arrived home. We sat with them

“Guys, you know how ill Mommy has been….Mommy’s lungs are not able to work on their own. Mommy’s kidneys and liver is also not working that well anymore. The doctors feel that Mommy will not be able to breathe without the machines and that Mommy has suffered too much. They think it will be better for Mommy to be taken off the machines…”

Jared quietly started to cry. Jon-Daniel was stoic. Jared was 10 years old and Jon-Daniel 8 years old.

“What will happen with us Oumie” Jon-Daniel asked.

“Sweetie, Oumie and Oupie will ALWAYS be here for you. This is your home.”

Jared cried himself to sleep. Jon-Daniel just clung to me. The three of us shared a bed that night.

The next morning early Gill, Lee and I set off to hospital. When we arrived I said “I am not going into that hospital until I have prayed in the Chapel.”

The three of us prayed and it was with absolute certainty that I KNEW Vic would not die that day.

Family and friends drifted in and out of the waiting room the whole day. My minister came and prayed for my child. Everyone said goodbye.

That afternoon Danie and I were allowed to see Vic. The “invasive” ventilator had been disconnected and she had a mask-like ventilator covering her face. It was a grotesque sight.

Danie held her little hand and his tears dripped onto her arm.

“Oh sweetie” he said, the sorrow and pain raw in his voice.

Vic opened her eyes and said “Daddy”….

Three days later Vic was discharged from ICU….. It was not her time.

Today I looked at her and fear struck at my heart. My child is slowly slipping away. Her little body is tired of the pain. Her little organs are enlarged and diseased. Her bones weak….

And the realisation hit home…. We need another miracle.

God please have mercy on my child.

It’s not my time….

Jared sent me the lyrics of this song. I walked to his room and said “These are beautiful lyrics Angel.”

“I think this is how Mom must feel Oumie” he said….

It’s Not My Time Lyric – 3 Doors Down

Looking back at the beginning of this
And how life was
Just you and me and love and all of our friends
Living life like an ocean

But now the current’s only pulling me down
It’s getting harder to breathe
It won’t be too long and I’ll be going under
Can you save me from this?

‘Cause it’s not my time, I’m not going
There’s a fear in me and it’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know, ooh, but I won’t go

I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had
I’m in a world that tries to take them away
Oh, but I’m taking them back

‘Cause all this time I’ve just been too blind to understand
What should matter to me
My friend, this life we live, it’s not what we have
It’s what we believe in

It’s not my time, I’m not going
There’s a fear in me, it’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know

But it’s not my time, I’m not going
There’s a will in me and now I know that
This could be the end of me
And everything I know, ooh, but I won’t go!
I won’t go!

There might be more than you believe
(There might be more than you believe)
And there might be more than you can see

But it’s not my time, I’m not going
There’s a fear in me, it’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know

But it’s not my time, I’m not going
There’s a will in me and now it’s gonna show
This could be the end of me
And everything I know

There might be more than you believe
(There might be more than you believe)
And there might be more than you can see
But I won’t go, oh no I won’t go down, yeah

http://pugetsoundoff.org/video/14565

Mommy I need to try and sleep…

Vic had a good day. She had a visit from Willemien, a pharmacist friend of Esther. She soaked in her sons’ presence…

This evening she asked if she could have her injection a little earlier. Jared is going back to theatre tomorrow morning to have his stent removed. “Mommy, I need to try and sleep so I can be with my son tomorrow”

It is as if her wish triggered an avalanche of events.

Vic has been projectile vomiting since and the perspiration is pouring off her. Her heart is racing and her blood pressure is all over. Her abdomen is so distended and extremely tender on the abscess side!

Vic will not be at her son’s side tomorrow when he is readmitted to hospital.

My poor, poor baby!

Hospice counseling….

“Mom forgets things and she thinks we are all against her… Yesterday she said to me that I must not feel guilty if she dies and I am cross with her…Mom always thinks we are fighting with her….” Jon-Daniel said.

via Hospice counseling…..

Mommy, I thought I had more time….

“You matter because of who you are. You matter to the last moment of your life, and we will do all we can , not only to help you die peacefully, but also to live until you die.”

–Dame Cicely Saunders

Mommy, I thought I had more time…..

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