I think God hates me?

http://risenetworks.org/2013/04/19/lovin 1

Over the years I have been deeply hurt by people of faith and religious institutions’ i.e. churches. I have spent many years of my life researching religion, seeking answers to my questions; to life’s twists and turns.

I believe in God. I believe in life hereafter. I believe that what we are living is hell and that heaven awaits us. I believe we are on earth to learn lessons, perfect our souls. I believe that we will return to earth until we have perfected our souls.

The “mind switch” was Passion of the Christ. I cried for three days. It was the most barbaric thing I had ever seen. I could not and cannot equate that to love. The other “mind switch” was the lovelessness of most “deeply” religious people. So I look at religion and this is the conclusion I have come to…

“Love” is The Big Commandment…. Matthew 22:36-40 NIV Love the Lord thy God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbour like yourself. All the Law and Prophets hand on these two Commandments@ Love God Thy Father and the second commandment that is equal to it “Love Thy neighbour”…

Love Thy Neighbour is quite a mouthful. Who is my neighbour – the person who lives next door to me in his multi million rand house or his domestic worker living in a room the size of a stamp on his premises? Maybe “my neighbour” could extend to the socio economic group that I equate to in my suburb or city? Hells bells, if I am generous the rich in my country may qualify…. But the people with different pigmentation and less money? No, no no!

Now let me spell it out. The way I see it

If God is a God of Love would He truly condemn people to eternal hell for not believing a particular version of religion? I know so many wonderful Muslim people who have “white souls”, who are kind, compassionate and generous. They would never deliberately harm a fellow human being. I know many beautiful Christians who are kind and compassionate and generous. I know that in a country like Saudi no money will exchange hands whilst it is Salah (prayer time). Restaurants and shops CLOSE for prayer 5 times a day and if you are not praying you will stand around in the passages of the shopping centre. You will not even be allowed to remain in the restaurant.

In my country and everywhere else in the world people of other religious groups will drink too much and talk about Muslims in a derogatory manner. They will call them heathens… They will lie and steal but take the religious high ground because they are “Christian”. And by the way, please do not inconvenience them and their social life by getting ill….If you are so inconsiderate – please die quickly so their lives can move along at it’s comfortable, fun filled pace.

Worldwide racism is alive and well. Where there is no racism it is tribalism, elitism that keeps hate flowing through the world.

For many years I did so-called “charity” and evangelism work in the poor rural areas in South Africa. Today I admit I am ashamed that I was so sanctimonious to think that I was needed to evangelize the poor. What do you say to a child who is freezing and hungry when they accept the Lord? “God is going to make your life better!”…That would imply that all of a sudden that child would have at least 3 meals a day, a bed and blanket, medical care and a good education…

Let me tell you, so-called evangelists hit and run. They convert and leave. There is no sustainability in what they offer. Most of their efforts are self-serving. Tomorrow that child is going to be cold and hungry and think “that woman of God said God would bless me…Why has He not done so? He must hate me…”

So, I ask the question…who is the “woman of God”? The self-appointed evangelist or the impoverished next door neighbour who shares her last crust of bread with the hungry child?

I don’t believe that there is a single religion that is “right.” There is good and bad in all religions. There is good and bad in every person!

The Catholic’s decided which books were to be in the Bible. The Qur’an is a modified version of the Old Testament. The Torah is another modified version of the Old Testament.

I know there will be a reaction to this post. I know many people will “unfollow” me after this post. That is fine. It is your right to decide what to read. It is my right to write what I believe and have experienced.

Vic often asked me “Mommy, why do you think God hates me?”

The Church deserted Vic. Christians deserted Vic. Family deserted Vic. Friends deserted Vic. Even the most religious of religious did not have enough compassion for my child to lift a phone and ask “How is your child doing?” or “I am sorry to hear about her passing”. Family, yes you read correctly, did not even sympathise. What a cold God they must serve? Yet these righteous self-serving stone-Christians point fingers at others for not being “obedient” to God’s Word. Surely not the Word that says “Love thy neighbour”………

I am a Shidu… I am a Shidu…

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.

There are more than 100 million single (only) children in China, Xinhua, the state-run news agency, reported in February. That translates into more than 200 million parents of single children.

Until 2012, there were “at least” one million families in China that had lost their only child, Xinhua wrote in a separate report carried by the Jinghua Times. About 76,000 families are added to the sad roster each year, it said.

There is a special term for the parents that has lost their only child….”shidu” family.

In the rest of the world the average woman gives birth to 2.75 children.

I gave birth to one. My only birth child has died. I am a “shidu”

Today I am (again) desperately missing my child. I feel as if I have lost my future. I only have my past. But I know that is not true. I have Vic’s two amazing son’s to care for; 4 precious stepchildren; 9 step grandchildren that I love like my own…

Many years ago when Danie proposed I asked God for a clear sign. I prayed so hard so direction… I explained to God that I was so scared of making a mistake that would affect so many people’s lives. I asked for a clear scripture!

I opened my Bible and the scripture that jumped up at me was Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 “9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

I immediately went back on my knees and prayed again. “God, thank you for the scripture you gave me but what about all the children?”

I opened my Bible and it fell open on page 793 of the Old Testament. Isaiah 54:1-17 “Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left, and your offspring will possess the nations and will people the desolate cities. “Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. “

My answer was a prophesy… Not only is my life filled with these precious people but I now also have Izak, Reuben, Nonthanthle and Shekinah to love. I am blessed.

Does this however fill the void that Vic’s death has left?

I feel ungrateful for being in this well of despair whilst I am not alone. I am motherless not childless. The fact remains that I desperately miss my child. My life is empty. I have lost my future.

I am a Shidu

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/05/danie-the-wind-beneath-my-wings/

TWENTY …

Properties of the number 20

Symbolism

Represent the God solar for the Mayas.
The number 20 is considered as ominous for saint Jerome because it indicates the universal fight, but it also represents the source of all energy of the world.
This number is represented in Hebrew by the letter caph, in form of opened hand, to seize and hold. The eleventh mystery of the Tarot, which corresponds to this letter, and consequently with this number, is “the Force” which expresses energy, the activity, the work, according to R. Allendy.
Number associated to the resurrection or to the reincarnation, according to Creusot.

Bible

Samson had judged Israel for twenty years. (Jg 16,31)
Under the commandment of Elisha, twenty barley loaves are enough to feed hundred persons. (2 K 4,42-44)
God asked Moses to make the census of all the community of Israelis being twenty years old and more. (Nb 1,3)
Jacob spent twenty years at Laban before to escape. (Gn 31,38)

General

One month in the religious calendar Maya contained twenty days.
Magic square of 20:

8 6 4 2

4 2 8 6

2 4 6 8

6 8 2 4

Number of characters of the alphabet of bards.
Anniversary of marriage: weddings of porcelain of China.

Occurrence

The number 20 is used 117 times in the Bible.
The number 24 is used 20 times in the Bible.
The number 20 is used only once in the Koran. (Koran VIII, 66)
The names of Cain and Rome are used 20 times in the Bible.

It is Friday again. Twenty weeks ago my beautiful Vic died. Twenty sounds too “little”. It feels too “much”. Twenty was always such a magical figure…Twenty had an allure of its own. Twenty always felt like the “almost adult” number. I remember when I was twenty years old I was so excited about turning 21…coming of age!

Now twenty represents the number of weeks that we have wept and longed for the presence of Vic.

A year ago I posted “Life aka Vicky” versus Death. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/07/6-6-2012-3-2/

I wrote “Mommy, I am sick” Every time Vic opens her eyes she utters these words.

Will she win what we believe to be the final round? Life aka Vicky vs. Death… Ten long, long years she has fought with every fibre in her little body. I sense that she is tired. Ready to concede defeat… She says she isn’t scared. I am! I am scared of facing life without my baby.

Now I have already faced 20 weeks of living without my baby.

A message from Heaven!

Strand-20130402-01750 (2) — The feather I found on the beach. The foot imprint is mine, and the shell I dropped when I stooped to pick up the feather…

That Little Penny In The Car Park
Remember this every time you pass that little penny in the car park.
(I always thought that it was for good luck, but I love this version better)

I found a penny today
Laying on the ground.
But it’s not just a penny,
This little coin I’ve found.

Found pennies come from heaven,
that’s what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels drop them down.
Oh, how I loved that story.

He said when an Angel misses you,
They drop a penny down;
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.

So, don’t pass by that penny
When you’re feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel’s dropped to you.

Pennies From Heaven – copyright
Charles L Mashburn

1998

Earlier this week I received this little poem on my mobile phone from a friend. Strangely enough I had also read it on Bereavement for Parents’ site just hours before… I thought back to a horrible day in my life when my Dad and I saw a coin lying in the street. My Dad bent down and picked it up. “This is from the angels. Always keep it – it will bring you good luck”. I dutifully put the coin in my purse and thought “how will I ever know which one is my lucky coin”….

Over the years I always remembered my dad’s words when I saw a coin lying on the ground…

Two days ago we were sitting in a restaurant in Cape Town when I saw a coin lying between chairs. I immediately thought of the poem I had read just days before and remembered my Dad’s words.

I looked at the coin and thought to myself “What a coincidence. Same poem within the same week and then a stray coin…No! This is too easy…. I want a feather as a sign that Vic is with me.”

I did not bother to pick up the coin. I have thought about the coin a couple of times and regretted not picking it up!

Jon-Daniel and I went for a long walk on the beach today. We walked ankle-deep in the sea not talking at all. I was walking along all teary eyed. The thought crossed my mind that this was something Vic could never do – take long walks on the beach…. I was thinking how I wish she was here in Cape Town with us….

The waves rolled in caressing the sand and then slid back…The sand was so clean and perfectly “even” as the waves receded back into the sea. I looked at Jon-Daniel thinking how sad he was looking. I knew, he too, was thinking of Vic.

My eyes followed a wave rolling out when I saw this perfect white feather lying motionless in the sand where minutes earlier there was water….

I felt immense peace and joy. I knew that at that moment my precious child was walking next to me. I knew that she had seen my tears mingle with the salty sea water and that she wanted me to know that she was with me.

I heard the last words she ever spoke “Mommy I love you…”

Signs that Angels Are Around You

How to Tell when Angels Are Around Us Jo Ann Schlicker, Yahoo! Contributor Network Sep 10, 2010 “Share your voice on Yahoo! websites.

Angels appear to people of all religions and sometimes to people who do not believe in anything. The Bible and other holy books are full of examples of angelic messages and appearances. The word angel comes from the Greek word “angelos” from the word “ev-angelos” which means the gospel or good message. Angels carry messages from God to humans.

Dreams

In the Christian Bible, angels often spoke to people in a dream. One angel visited Joseph in a dream and told him of Mary’s baby conceived via the Holy Spirit and he should not put her aside as was the custom.

An angel warned Joseph to take a different route home after the birth of Jesus because the wicked king wanted to kill the infant. Jacob dreamed of a ladder of angels leading to heaven.

Many more examples showing divine messages from heaven exist in the Bible and the literature of many cultures and religions.

Do angels send you messages in your dreams?

I love you messages

Many people believe that angels bring “I love you” messages from heaven. Angels send calling cards and little gifts for those who are open and receptive to them. People often say they receive angelic gifts of comfort or warning against danger when they feel sick or discouraged.

So, how do you tell that there are one or more angels around you? Here are some signs that many people recognize.

Feathers

Feathers show up in unusual places and when you least expect them. Angel feathers are white, fluffy, and seem to fall into your path for only you to find. Sometimes, they glow with colors and radiances you never see in birds.

Coins

Most people find money from time to time. Some say that angels purposely toss coins into your path. The denomination of the coin and the message on it all hold clues to its meaning. One person may find pennies while others find dimes everywhere. Money signifies support in finances, emotions, spirit, and physical being.

Rainbows and butterflies

Rainbow promises sometimes show up from nowhere. After the great flood, God set a rainbow in the sky as a sign of His promise not to destroy the earth by water ever again. Double rainbows, and rainbows captured in dew or mist are especially significant. People sometimes think of butterflies as tiny living parts of rainbows that bring their own promise. They sometimes fly to relatives of a deceased loved one.

Clouds

Most people spend time gazing at cloud formations and seeing pictures there. Clouds forming unusual shapes such as hearts, feathers, or angelic forms, clouds that are colored or shaped like orbs show special significance and could be angelic messages.

Music

Did you ever catch yourself singing or humming the same tune repeatedly? Music repeats itself or comes in themes over time. Song titles may be messages offering guidance from an angel. Most people know when that happens and can discern the meaning for themselves.

Voices

Although they will not admit it, most people have heard a voice calling their names. Sometimes in an attempt to get your attention, an angel needs to speak to you directly. Pay attention to that voice to see what message it may bring you.

Lights

Have you ever seen a beam of light that you cannot explain? When a bright or colored light floods a room, it could be brilliance from an angel nearby. Sometimes, you can see these lights even with your eyes shut.

A mother cradled her sick child and prayed for guidance. The little girl woke up unable to walk and her mother rocked her and crooned softly to her, and worried about the future. She heard a voice say, “Everything will be okay.” A soft glow filled the room for several minutes and the mother knew all would be well. The next day the child walked again. Whether the light came from God, or an angel, it definitely was heaven sent.

Sensations

Some people say they feel the brush of angel wings on their face or arms. Others feel angelic hands on their shoulders or on the top of their heads. A room may fill up with delicious scents of chocolate, roses, bread baking, or another loved aroma.

You

Do angels give you messages in your dreams? Do they drop feathers and coins for you to find? Do they send light when things seem darkest? Do they send music or wonderful smells your way? If so, be still and listen for messages or encouragement. Perhaps heaven is reaching out to you through angels. What angel stories do you carry in your heart? http://voices.yahoo.com/signs-angels-around-you-6750250.html?cat=34

The stench of hatred

On the 22nd of February I posted on a blotched back operation that Vic had and ultimately lead to her death. https://tersiaburger.com/2013/02/22/4027-days/

A family member commented “I hope one day you can forgive him, for he didn’t know what he was doing. I checked with Vicky, and she did.”

I know Vic had made peace with the surgeon. She died with no feelings of hatred in her heart. She bore no-one ill. Vic was a gentle, loving people-pleaser.

I am not. I have a dark side to me. I do not tolerate fools or bullies easily. I hate the surgeon and his compatriot in blotched surgery, Dr V, with every fiber of my being. He KNEW what he was doing. He admitted later that it was an experimental procedue…

I know exactly what the Bible says about forgiveness. I know how bitterness and hate affects one’s life. I know it robs one of your joys. I have read that you cannot enter Heaven if you have not forgiven. I have however also read, and choose to believe what is written in the Old Testament – an eye for an eye….

I received this lovely little anecdote today and thought, very sanctimoniously, that I would share it. When I however sat down and started typing I realized that I would be a hypocrite if I pretended to just pass on the moral of the story.

I know that hate contaminates everything.

The definition of Hatred:-

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Hatred (or hate) is a deep and emotional extreme dislike that can be directed against individuals, entities, objects, or ideas. Hatred is often associated with feelings of anger and a disposition towards hostility. Commonly held moral rules, such as the Golden Rule, oppose universal hatred towards another.

The Bible refers to hatred between 71 and 93 times in the Bible – depending on which version you read.

Both the Old and the New Testaments deal with hatred. David, in the Psalms, thanks God for destroying those that hate him, and thanks Him for hating his enemies.^[1] This is the era of wars and kingdoms; armies destroy enemies, hate is political and military. But it is also domestic: David’s sons hate each other, and Absalom will kill his half-brother after the latter rapes and spurns his sister. And after banishment, Abasalom will hate his father and try to destroy him. However, the Old Testament also contains condemnations of hatred. For example, ” thou shalt not hate thy brother in thy heart”.^[2] In the New Testament, hatred focuses on the soul. Evil is internalised and the focus of hatred becomes that part of the heart, the sinning self. The New Testament also clearly condemns hatred. Jesus contended that “whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer and you know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in himself.”^[3] But all people are, according to the gospels, sinners, and only have to look inside of themselves in order to find sin. Loving good means hating sin and turning from vice. Love, as Aquinas^{[citation needed]} teaches, must be divided into love of good things, the healthy movement of the soul true to itself, and love of inappropriate objects, the desire to have and use what may be bad for the soul.- Wikipedia

So herewith the anecdote…

A kindergarten teacher decided to let her class play a game.

The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes.

Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates.

So the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.

So when the day came, each child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week.

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended… The teacher asked: “How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?” The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.

Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said: “This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???”

Moral of the story: Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take!

Newsflash: I pray that I will find forgiveness in my heart for the good doctors but tonight my eldest grandson is lying in his room, reading a book of poetry Vic left him, crying for his mother. Nothing that I do or say can make his pain less or bring his mommy back.

So that stench of hatred…I will live with it. It fuels my hatred.

Why don’t I just go to sleep and never wake up?

Last year Vic said: “Why don’t I just go to sleep and never wake up?”

This year – today – I am saying “Why don’t I just go to sleep and never wake up?”

Last year Vic said: “My boys don’t need me anymore. I have been sick all my life. Even my ears hurt. ”

On the 8th of January 2013 Vic said “Mommy my room is full of angels…”

Tonight I reread something a friend sent me as a comment https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com/wp-admin/edit-comments.php?p=383&approved=1

Dear Tersia

I have been following your journey now for some time and my heart goes out to you and your family. It is NOT EASY to care for somebody that is terminally ill. It makes it even more difficult if that person is your child.
I would like to share something with you though. It is vitally important that you take care of yourself in this tiring time. Please accept all the help from family and friends that’s been offered to you. This will give you some breathing space. It will also allow Vic to know that it is okay if Mom is just having a little bit of “me” time. Her energy is very powerful and she proved it to everybody up to now that she wants to survive.

Allow all Angels and guides to assist you with the care that you and your family so much need right now. God allows you to call upon their assistance when you need them. When Jacob was struggling with an Angel he called the Angel Michael to assist him and Michael was there not only to help him, but also to guide him with whatever he was struggling with. There are many stories in the Bible and other scriptures about God’s Angels. What still amazes me is that God found it necessary to create Angels. HE knew that we and all other creatures would need assistance and comfort when we are lonely. It took me a long time to work this out. It was only after my mom passed away and I fell very ill that my awareness of these wonderful creations of God was awakened.

Dear Tersia, know they are there, they are with you. You just need to ask for their guidance and assistance. Please know that Angels come in all forms. It might be your neighbour, your friend, nursing staff or maybe a presence! Nurture yourself. Get all the friends, family and help that you can now and trust people. They will be guided and equiped with the knowledge to help you now. You need to be taken care of now and so does your family.

Your friend

Louise xxx

The angels did come to comfort my child in her most fear-filled day.

We have found many angels in human form. Friends, family, acquaintances, WordPress Friends, Facebook friends…..

Thank you Louise for opening my eyes to the angels. Thank you for the angels that comforted my child in her hour of need and thank you for the angels that came and took her by the hand and whisked her away to a pain-free, joy filled place.

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/01/08/gramps-was-here/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/17/i-always-pray-for-you-but-you-dont-seem-to-have-a-guardian-angel-17-6-2012/

A time to be born and a time to die…

It is Christmas. It is a warm, and sunny-day, and my heart is cold.

This is our last Christmas as a complete family.

Vic has been vomiting non-stop. The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth. Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections. Sr Siza popped in. She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.

“Please Sister, not my bum. Please do it on my thigh.”

Vic no longer has an appetite. She is sleeping at least 20 out of 24 hours. Vic is very warm to the touch and appears flushed. The thermometer reflects a temperature of 37 degrees C.

“Do you understand what your body is telling you Vic?” Siza asked

Vic nodded and whispered “I do not want to die…”

“Nobody wants to die, Vicky. We all will walk this path. Some sooner than others… You have a degenerative illness and your body is tired…”

“You must surrender your body to God. It is time for your brain to make peace with what is happening in your body.” Siza said. “Where is your Bible?”

Siza read from Ecclesiastes 3 – New International Version (NIV)

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Siza prayed for Vic and the family for peace and grace in this time. Vic cried and Danie gently held her.

Danie, and I walked with Siza. Her eyes were sad when she said “Her body is shutting down. It could be quick or it could be a few weeks.”

The rest of Christmas Eve passed as if I was in a daze. Lani and the kids arrived, my dear friend Judy arrived after a marathon charity event and the smell of gammon and roast lamb permeated the house. The tables looked festive and there were tons of gifts under the tree.

Vic handed out the gifts. The kids shrieked with delight. A lot of thought went into the gifts. The gifts were truly gifts of love.

3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

Our dear friend Judy, with Vic, and I. How beautiful is baby Izak?

Danie – the “Wind Beneath My Wings”!

Today my beloved Danie turned 74. He is an absolutely amazing person. He has the wonderful ability to love and to be loved.

I met this amazing man through mutual friends 24 years ago. It was two weeks before his 50^th birthday. I casually asked whether he was going to have a big party and he said “no”. He was newly divorced and did not feel up to a party. In a moment of pity I said “Well, nobody should be alone on his birthday. If you are not doing anything pop around for a glass of wine…”

He duly popped around for a glass of wine. After a couple of glasses of wine I asked him if he had dinner. He said “No” and I said I would see if I could throw together a tuna salad… I opened my fridge and it was pretty empty. Some salad stuff, milk, apples and a couple of bottles of wine…

I managed to put a salad together but I could see the birthday boy was not overly impressed. I was not concerned at all. He was far too good looking and newly divorced so I did not want to get involved with him. I had been divorced for many years and Vic was used to it just being the two of us.

I dodged all Danie’s advances for more than a year. On the 8^th of December 1989 I accompanied Danie to a black tie event. At the function I could not help but notice the reverence his colleagues had for him. He danced like a dream and remembered that it was my birthday at 12 O Clock…. It was truly a fairy tale night and I fell hopelessly in love.

Vic immediately sensed that there was danger! She referred to him as “that man”…. She cried a lot and wanted to come home from boarding school. Vic made a 360 degree turn around. She went from wanting to go to boarding school to wanting to move home… from independent to needy… from being a difficult teenager to being an impossible teenager.

I met Danie’s children. I was terrified! I did not know or like children. My life was structured, neat, organized and perfect. I was totally committed to my career. I had property, a business, lots of friends, a healthy bank balance and my own toolbox. I did not need any complications in my life!!

I prayed so hard so direction… I explained to God that I was so scared of making a mistake that would affect so many people’s lives. I asked for a clear scripture!

I immediately went back on my knees and prayed again. “God, thank you for the scripture you gave me but what about all the children?”

Barren? That was me… The day after Danie’s 52nd birthday we were married.

So tomorrow this wonderful man and I will celebrate our 22^ND Anniversary. We have managed to create a “home” for our five children. The children, I feared, I now love as my own. Two of the four call me “Mom”. Their children are MY grandchildren. They allow us to be part of the children’s lives and do not discriminate between the grandmothers. From the day we were married Vic has called Danie “Daddy”. Danie’s four children are her siblings. They are our infrastructure.

Danie has been so absolutely amazing with Vic and her illness. When my dad moved in with us Danie just accepted it as part of our journey. He was incredibly patient with my Dad who suffered from Alzheimers. He is my back-up system. His selfless, caring nature has allowed me to pursue my career. I am able to travel internationally for my work as he is home…..he is my back-up. He fetches and carries the boys. He checks on Vic and loves her and the boys unconditionally. He shops and manages the home in my absence. He thinks I am beautiful and smart.

This beautiful man is more than I deserve. I love him with every fiber of my body. I am grateful to him for the gift of his children and grandchildren every day of my life. I am grateful that he taught me the biggest commandment of all – love!

So tonight I salute a wonderful man, husband, father and grandfather. He is my best friend. He is an amazing father to Vic. Thank you God!

He is truly “The wind beneath my wings” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9ZMDPf9hZw&feature=colike

37 years on death row 19.6.2012

Today was a day out of hell for Vicky. She is deadly pale – she actually has a ghost like appearance. She was so ill that she was unable to take pain medication and now her pain is out of control.

If I am having a hard time with this how must this poor child feel? HOW CAN SHE CARRY ON???

Jared has withdrawn completely! Rene, Jared’s councillor managed to speak to Jon-Daniel today. He is in total denial! He said “My Mom is a miracle. She was not supposed to live past the age of 12 The doctors said she would die when she fell pregnant with my brother and me and she is still alive. Lots of times they said she would die…She will get better again”

At first I was filled with disbelief and then I realized with a shock that Jon-Daniel is right! A couple of weeks ago I bumped into an ex-business partner. When he inquired after Vic’s health I said that she was desperately ill and that I thought that the end was near. Frik laughed and said “that is what you said 15 years ago when she was pregnant with her eldest son…”

Reading some of the pre-blog stuff that I wrote and when I look in my Bible there are markings “Vic ICU“, “Vic critical”, etc etc etc.

Vic has been on death row all her life. I know we start dying the day we are born but for most of our lives we are oblivious to the fact. At funerals we may think of our own mortality but for the rest of it we think we are invincible. Jon-Daniel thinks his Mom is invincible.

A colleague asked me earlier today what he should pray for when he prays for Vic. I replied “Mercy”. When I got home tonight and I saw this tiny, pitiful little bundle doubled over from the pain, I panicked and thought to myself “What if Jon-Daniel is right and she gets better again?”

If there is a God He will release my poor child from this dreadful life! It is an inhuman existence that not even an animal deserves. If Vic had been an animal she would have been put out of her misery a long time ago!! God does not have to heal her. He does not even have to take all her pain away. If she could just have SOME quality of life…some pain free time with her boys… Please God hear my prayer!

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Signs that Angels Are Around You

Share this:

Like this:

The definition of Hatred:-

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this: