Cape Town – Vic's Final Journey

Vic’s angel

Wednesday I found another white feather floating in the sea…

Thursday we went to a famous wine farm, Spier. Spier has bird and cheetah sanctuaries. We wandered around and decided against the rather sophisticated meals served. We decided to find a coffee shop or boutique restaurant – something quainter than the rather commercial option available.

We were fascinated by a beautiful falcon and even more magnificent looking owls. Spier is a wonderful place to visit.

We left and decided to be adventurous and ignore the GPS. We drove in an unknown direction on the lookout for something quaint. We drove for two kilometres when we found an interesting sign…Aspidistra Nursery and Tea Garden.

We decided it sounded quaint enough.

It was the most amazing Tea Garden. I expected fairies to jump out from the beautiful flowers. Chimes merrily tinkled and chimed in the gentle breeze…

We had a delightful meal. It was so peaceful we just sat and chatted. WE spoke about how much Vic would have enjoyed the garden and how much we miss her. We exchanged funny stories about Vic and decided to have desert. I ordered the scones (Vic and my favourite). The presentation of the scones was amazing!

“Mom would have loved this!” I said

A white feather floated down onto the table…

“You got your white feather Oumie!” Jared said.

I must be honest that when I started looking there were white feathers everywhere. There were white pigeons sitting in the trees.

After our leisurely lunch we walked through the nursery part of Aspidistra and my wildest expectations were surpassed! It was beautiful. Plants and flowers were displayed in beautiful handcrafted containers; ribbons were swaying in the breeze.

Then I saw it! The perfect angel for Vic’s garden of remembrance!

It is a handmade, one of a kind, angel – just like my angel child. Perfect – just like Vic!

The angel is being couriered to our home next week.

I desperately miss my little girl. I don’t want to be planning her Garden of Remembrance – I want to be planning our trip to Italy. I want to be having a cup of coffee with my child not putting an almost empty bottle of coffee in a memory box.

I walked back into our home after a wonderful 12 day vacation in Cape Town and the grief overwhelmed me again. The emptiness of the house truly got to me again today…

Will I ever feel happy again? As I am typing I can hardly see the screen of my laptop. I cannot stop the tears.

I cannot believe I ever thought it would be better for Vic to die… I cannot believe I have to face the rest of my life with this empty hole in my heart. I cannot bear the sorrow. I want to hold my little girl and hear her say “I love you Mommy”.

I want to see her smile when I say “I love you with all my heart Angel”

A message from Heaven!

Strand-20130402-01750 (2) — The feather I found on the beach. The foot imprint is mine, and the shell I dropped when I stooped to pick up the feather…

That Little Penny In The Car Park
Remember this every time you pass that little penny in the car park.
(I always thought that it was for good luck, but I love this version better)

I found a penny today
Laying on the ground.
But it’s not just a penny,
This little coin I’ve found.

Found pennies come from heaven,
that’s what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels drop them down.
Oh, how I loved that story.

He said when an Angel misses you,
They drop a penny down;
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.

So, don’t pass by that penny
When you’re feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel’s dropped to you.

Pennies From Heaven – copyright
Charles L Mashburn

1998

Earlier this week I received this little poem on my mobile phone from a friend. Strangely enough I had also read it on Bereavement for Parents’ site just hours before… I thought back to a horrible day in my life when my Dad and I saw a coin lying in the street. My Dad bent down and picked it up. “This is from the angels. Always keep it – it will bring you good luck”. I dutifully put the coin in my purse and thought “how will I ever know which one is my lucky coin”….

Over the years I always remembered my dad’s words when I saw a coin lying on the ground…

Two days ago we were sitting in a restaurant in Cape Town when I saw a coin lying between chairs. I immediately thought of the poem I had read just days before and remembered my Dad’s words.

I looked at the coin and thought to myself “What a coincidence. Same poem within the same week and then a stray coin…No! This is too easy…. I want a feather as a sign that Vic is with me.”

I did not bother to pick up the coin. I have thought about the coin a couple of times and regretted not picking it up!

Jon-Daniel and I went for a long walk on the beach today. We walked ankle-deep in the sea not talking at all. I was walking along all teary eyed. The thought crossed my mind that this was something Vic could never do – take long walks on the beach…. I was thinking how I wish she was here in Cape Town with us….

The waves rolled in caressing the sand and then slid back…The sand was so clean and perfectly “even” as the waves receded back into the sea. I looked at Jon-Daniel thinking how sad he was looking. I knew, he too, was thinking of Vic.

My eyes followed a wave rolling out when I saw this perfect white feather lying motionless in the sand where minutes earlier there was water….

I felt immense peace and joy. I knew that at that moment my precious child was walking next to me. I knew that she had seen my tears mingle with the salty sea water and that she wanted me to know that she was with me.

I heard the last words she ever spoke “Mommy I love you…”

Signs that Angels Are Around You

How to Tell when Angels Are Around Us Jo Ann Schlicker, Yahoo! Contributor Network Sep 10, 2010 “Share your voice on Yahoo! websites.

Angels appear to people of all religions and sometimes to people who do not believe in anything. The Bible and other holy books are full of examples of angelic messages and appearances. The word angel comes from the Greek word “angelos” from the word “ev-angelos” which means the gospel or good message. Angels carry messages from God to humans.

Dreams

In the Christian Bible, angels often spoke to people in a dream. One angel visited Joseph in a dream and told him of Mary’s baby conceived via the Holy Spirit and he should not put her aside as was the custom.

An angel warned Joseph to take a different route home after the birth of Jesus because the wicked king wanted to kill the infant. Jacob dreamed of a ladder of angels leading to heaven.

Many more examples showing divine messages from heaven exist in the Bible and the literature of many cultures and religions.

Do angels send you messages in your dreams?

I love you messages

Many people believe that angels bring “I love you” messages from heaven. Angels send calling cards and little gifts for those who are open and receptive to them. People often say they receive angelic gifts of comfort or warning against danger when they feel sick or discouraged.

So, how do you tell that there are one or more angels around you? Here are some signs that many people recognize.

Feathers

Feathers show up in unusual places and when you least expect them. Angel feathers are white, fluffy, and seem to fall into your path for only you to find. Sometimes, they glow with colors and radiances you never see in birds.

Coins

Most people find money from time to time. Some say that angels purposely toss coins into your path. The denomination of the coin and the message on it all hold clues to its meaning. One person may find pennies while others find dimes everywhere. Money signifies support in finances, emotions, spirit, and physical being.

Rainbows and butterflies

Rainbow promises sometimes show up from nowhere. After the great flood, God set a rainbow in the sky as a sign of His promise not to destroy the earth by water ever again. Double rainbows, and rainbows captured in dew or mist are especially significant. People sometimes think of butterflies as tiny living parts of rainbows that bring their own promise. They sometimes fly to relatives of a deceased loved one.

Clouds

Most people spend time gazing at cloud formations and seeing pictures there. Clouds forming unusual shapes such as hearts, feathers, or angelic forms, clouds that are colored or shaped like orbs show special significance and could be angelic messages.

Music

Did you ever catch yourself singing or humming the same tune repeatedly? Music repeats itself or comes in themes over time. Song titles may be messages offering guidance from an angel. Most people know when that happens and can discern the meaning for themselves.

Voices

Although they will not admit it, most people have heard a voice calling their names. Sometimes in an attempt to get your attention, an angel needs to speak to you directly. Pay attention to that voice to see what message it may bring you.

Lights

Have you ever seen a beam of light that you cannot explain? When a bright or colored light floods a room, it could be brilliance from an angel nearby. Sometimes, you can see these lights even with your eyes shut.

A mother cradled her sick child and prayed for guidance. The little girl woke up unable to walk and her mother rocked her and crooned softly to her, and worried about the future. She heard a voice say, “Everything will be okay.” A soft glow filled the room for several minutes and the mother knew all would be well. The next day the child walked again. Whether the light came from God, or an angel, it definitely was heaven sent.

Sensations

Some people say they feel the brush of angel wings on their face or arms. Others feel angelic hands on their shoulders or on the top of their heads. A room may fill up with delicious scents of chocolate, roses, bread baking, or another loved aroma.

You

Do angels give you messages in your dreams? Do they drop feathers and coins for you to find? Do they send light when things seem darkest? Do they send music or wonderful smells your way? If so, be still and listen for messages or encouragement. Perhaps heaven is reaching out to you through angels. What angel stories do you carry in your heart? http://voices.yahoo.com/signs-angels-around-you-6750250.html?cat=34

I love you Angel Child

100_7810 — Vic and her boys on her 38th birthday

I am at a stage where it feels as if it is impossible to recover from the pain of losing Vic. I am told that the grief will gradually get better and become less intense as time goes by.

The first few days after Vic died was so intense. Family and friends cried, and we comforted one another. The house was busy with people coming and going. The planning that goes into a funeral and the writing of the eulogy took a lot of time. My grief was raw and incredibly intense. My heart physically ached. I experienced feelings of anxiety, panic, sadness, and helplessness. Yet it is actually a surreal feeling… it felt as if we were removed from the world. It felt as if I looked in from the outside. I heard myself speaking and reacting mechanically…Old school friends phoned and I rushed to get through their words of condolences so I could ask them about their lives. I did not want to discuss Vic’s death. They must have thought I was crazy.

People said “you are so strong…”

When a loved one dies at home I think it is harder afterwards…There is a “mystique” to the room of death. The smell of death lingers and the room is littered with medication, blood pressure equipment, thermometers and syringe containers. Bedpans and vomit-dishes are still in the bathroom…

The planning of Vic’s memorial service actually helped me get through the first days after her death. Friends and family spend time with us talking and sharing memories about Vic.

Many times, people show their emotions during this time of ritual. Overwhelmed by Vic’s death we actually did not show emotion right away — even though the loss was very hard. We stood amongst our friends and family at the reception after the memorial service smiling and talking. To the world it must have appeared as if we were strong and accepting of Vic’s death. Being among other mourners was a comfort; it sort of reminded us that some things will stay the same.

But the time came when the far-away family left, friends went back to their lives and the steady flow of visitors stopped. In a way it was a relief. We were forced to stop and come to terms with the reality of the situation….the pain of the loss and the enormity of our grief.

Within a week we were back at work and school. People were and still are wary of us – they do not know how to handle our grief. We quickly learnt that other people are not interested in our grieving process…We stopped talking about Vic’s death…But although we no longer continuously talk about our loss, the grieving process not only continues but intensifies.

It’s natural to continue to have feelings and questions for a while after someone dies. It’s also natural to begin to feel somewhat better. A lot depends on how your loss affects your life. It’s OK to feel grief for days, weeks, or even longer, depending on how close you were to the person who died. I was told yesterday by someone who truly loved Vic that Vic’s death is only a reality when they are in our home. When they leave it almost becomes a distant memory….

The loss of a child is different to the loss of a parent. The boys’ grief is different to my grief… I will go further and say that the grief of a teen is different to the grief of an adult child who lost his aged parent.

Vic’s death has been a devastating, distressing experience in the life of the boys. Although the boys have spent the majority of their lives in our home their sense of security and stability in the world has been turned upside down. Vic’s death has become the defining event in the boys lives. The boys have begun to define their lives into two categories: “before Mom died” or “after Mom died.”

The boys and I have experienced a sense of relief, ambivalence; guilt and regret after Vic’s passing. The boys have categorically expressed their sense of relief that Vic’s intense suffering and pain is over. I prayed for Vic to die. This sense of relief has however brought on more guilt!

Jon-Daniel was the first of the boys who had to cope with the realization that Vic would not be around to celebrate rites of passage; Vic slipped into a coma the day Jon-Daniel received his school’s honours award for academic achievement…..

The boys are battling to cope with Vic’s death. Their grief is intensifying.

On the 8^th of April they will meet the Hospice Psychologist. On the 25^th we are flying down to Cape Town for 13 days. We need a change of scenery. We need to grieve without being told to “let Vic rest…”

I make a point of telling them that I miss their Mommy too. They light candles for Vic. I cry in my pillow.

I know that the boys will eventually move on. It is the way it is – children bury their parents. It is normal. But a parent should never have to bury their child…

For 38 years my beautiful child was the centre of my life. I lived for her. Now I merely exist.

I hear her say “Mommy I love you” and I whisper “I love you more than life angel child…”

Final words….

Tom en Lani stap langs die strad af met die meisie (2) — Wedding day

This weekend I again realized that there are people who are going through worse hardships than we are….

Tom, our son-in-law is a lovely, warm and hospitable man. He has made a huge difference in our lives. He is brutally honest as an individual. He has embraced the family and fulfils his role within the family with enthusiasm. Tom is bright – very bright! As a computer nerd he lives on STRONG coffee. He loves playing cricket with the boys.

He is Lani’s soul mate and a wonderful back-up father for the girls.

A couple of months before Tom and Lani got married Tom’s dad died from a heart attack. A year ago Tom’s sister was travelling from Cape Town with her Mom. Tom’s mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had her first chemo treatment that morning. A tragic accident…a car landed on top of theirs and Tom’s sister was killed. His Mom was seriously injured. Her accident injuries healed in time.

This weekend Tom travelled to Cape Town to say goodbye to his Mom… She is dying. Today my dear son-in-law had to sit next to his mom’s bed and speak his final words with her. In my heart I can see him standing in the door of her room and looking back one final time….It is extremely unlikely that he will see her again…. What thoughts went through his Mom’s mind? What did she see? Did she see her adult son she must be so proud of or did she see her little boy playing in the sand?

I kept thinking how unbelievable privileged we are. We are able to be with Vic every day, every second of the day if we chose… There is no need for cramming in “final words”. Every day we have new words, reassuring words, words of love and support. I cannot imagine having to get up from Vic’s bed, saying goodbye and having to walk away!

Tomorrow morning Tom will wake up; go to work…his thoughts will be filled with thoughts of his mom. How many times an hour will his mind turn to his mom and her final journey?

My poor Tom!

Travel well dear Marna….

Who is taking care of the caregiver? 5.7.2012

When my Dad was ill with Alzheimer’s, I subscribed to two forums/support groups. I suppose I am not good at letting go because I have not left the groups despite the fact that my dad lost his fight against AD on the 20^th of May 2011. On the other hand Alzheimer’s is a terminal illness and there is a lot of synergy between my Dad and Vicky’s journeys. I don’t think I would have gotten through my Dad’s journey if it had not been for the Caring.com group. http://www.caring.com/home-care. The practical advice of caring for an AD patient was of immeasurable help. The members support helped us as a family in understanding the destruction of Alzheimer’s and recognizing the stages of the disease.

So when I received the latest post: “Who is Taking Care of the Caregiver While the Caregiver is Taking Care?” written By Carol Blackwell Alzheimer’s Reading Room, I was delighted. I am in such a depression and totally at a lost as how to get out of it. http://www.alzheimersreadingroom.com/2010/05/whos-taking-care-of-caregiver-while.html

I just knew there would be solid, practical advice in the article.

Carol Blackwell’s opening question is: “Are you taking care of yourself? You can’t be there for them if you aren’t there for ‘you.’ Your mood and stress affects their mood. It surely isn’t easy and life is sometimes stressful and difficult. Here are some things that helped me—you can decide if they will work for you.”

Exercise!

Carol Blackwell wrote “I know you may be thinking you have no time to exercise because you are so busy taking care of your loved one and too tired at the end of the day. I say, that is exactly why we need to exercise.”

Right on Carol. I don’t have time. My days are very long and I don’t get a lot of off-time. Last year Danie and I went for a walk every night. Sometimes the boys joined us. It was great and I miss it. But I have decided that I will start exercising today!

Volunteer for service to others.
Carol Blackwell wrote: “I imagine you are now thinking I am really weird. How can we find time to work for others when we are struggling ourselves? For me, initially, I found it was easy to sit in the house and feel sorry for us. We didn’t sign up for this disease invading our lives, we had just had gotten to the point where we could be free from work constraints, etc. Etc. Unfortunately, sitting in the house feeling sorry for us didn’t help much. It wasn’t fun and served no purpose except to make me crabby and Bob depressed. No one wants to be around crabby people.”

Carol you are weird. I don’t have time to sit and do anything. I have a career, a household to run, two grandsons to fetch and carry, Vic to take care of… For many years I was very involved in working with the less fortunate. I however believe that in the Chinese Proverb “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Done and dusted. One day I would love to do some community work again but for the time being I have to concentrate on my family and their survival. Selfish – maybe… For now that is the way it has to be.

Do things you enjoy—you deserve it.
Carol Blackburn wrote: “What do you find fun and what gives you pleasure? It is different for all of us. I enjoy Wii games—I love the Wii Fitness Plus activities. They are fun. “

Tick. I love my Children and grandchildren. I love the patter of little children’s feet in the passages of our home, the sound of children’s laughter, and their little arms around my neck. I desperately miss my UK grandchildren. I am permanently miserable when I think of them. I miss them with every fiber of my body. Sometimes I am so weepy that I cannot even Skype with them.

I am so happy that Lanie and Tom have moved to Johannesburg. Now we see them and the girls on a regular basis. We spend a lot of quality time together.

Yuri, our youngest grandson asks his Mom whether he can’t come visit his Oumie every day before school…

Liza (the youngest daughter) and her husband have finished sailing around the world. I look forward to flying down to Cape Town to visit with them. As soon as Vic is able to cope without me we will fly off…

Vic finds the noise a little distressing. But the little ones know Aunty Vic is ill and are so good!

Carol is right. I enjoy having the grandchildren around and I deserve to have my grandchildren around me. Grandchildren are the joy of my life! And I love playing Cityville on Facebook.

Consider meditation/yoga.
Carol wrote: “Research has found that taking time to meditate and to engage in yoga is beneficial in reducing stress.”

Maybe one day when I have time… and the energy.

Don’t be a martyr.
Carol wrote: “Martyrs may be noble, but they really aren’t much fun. You can’t do it all and you shouldn’t have to. Find help if you need it. Are you in a support group? Check the Alzheimer’s Association link to fine one near you. Join it—it will help to find others who are going through what you are. “

“Is there someone who can come in for a few hours and let you take a break? Someone from church? A friend? There are people who would love to help us, but we don’t ask. Ask. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones!”

My dearest friend, Gillian, wrote:”I would like to half your work and cares. Put you in a bed for sleep therapy. But I know you won’t trust a soul with your family”. Few people know me as well as Gillian does. I cannot leave Vic. There is that beautiful John Lennon song “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother”. Vic ain’t heavy she is my baby.

I am trying to get Hospice involved. Danie does help a lot and so do the boys. Esther bathed Vic on Tuesday whilst I was at a meeting. The church and I deserted one another some time back. I don’t have many friends.

People have their own lives. We live in a world where we don’t have time for other people’s problems.

Only a mother who has watched her child suffer will understand the despair of another mother. Will understand how difficult it is to face every day, the depth of despair when you cradle your vomiting child in your arms….to say “Just one more hour baby” when she begs you for pain medication…

Smile or laugh each day.
Carol Blackwell wrote:

We do. Today I watched Rango with the boys. It was so funny.

Cut yourself some slack.
The wise Carol Blackwell wrote: “Everyone has ‘blue’ days. It’s OK to have a ‘pity party’ once in a while. It just doesn’t help to let those days happen too frequently. Also, don’t beat yourself up. We can’t always be calm, patient, understanding and saint-like. We are all just doing the best we can. Wallowing in guilt for occasional impatience won’t help either.”

This week I am truly wallowing in self-pity. I have been guilty of impatience, I have lacked understanding. I am petrified that Vic’s pain and suffering will continue for many more years. It is strange that Vic is having a better week than she has had in three months. As Esther said, her eyes are bright and she has mobilised pretty well. She is less tired… What if this vicious cycle of pain and suffering continues?

Don’t lose hope.
Carol Blackwell wrote: “There IS a cure for this awful disease. Out there—somewhere, someone is working on it. We just don’t know it yet. It will come. Keep the faith, baby!”

Just as there is no cure for Alzheimer’s at this stage there is no cure for Osteogenesis Imperfecta. But there may just be a cure for the adhesions that I believe will ultimately cause a fatal obstruction. Today I found a website where a doctor who claims great success with the treatment of frozen abdomens. On the surface it seems very positive. http://www.prweb.com/releases/2012/5/prweb9432209.htm

Anyone who has ever wrestled with God can understand the bargaining prayer. I have bargained with God all of Vic’s life. If there is a cure I will do this or that…. For MANY years I have put the Church and God ahead of Vic and my family and yet all my love and commitment has resulted in further pain and suffering. I know this paragraph will result in many emails or comments but I ask of you “Do not judge me if you have not walked ten miles in my moccasins!”

So for today and maybe the rest of the week I will hold onto my new hope. “Hope removes the blinders of fear and despair. Hope opens up our minds and allows us to think positive under dire circumstances.” Until I receive a reply to my enquiries…

To all my friends, cyber friends and family thank you for your support and love! Yesterday I considered stopping the blog as it has opened up fears that I have suppressed for so many years. I however think it is something I must do – for myself.

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Signs that Angels Are Around You

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