Wednesday I found another white feather floating in the sea…

Thursday we went to a famous wine farm, Spier.   Spier has bird and cheetah sanctuaries.  We wandered around and decided against the rather sophisticated meals served.  We decided to find a coffee shop or boutique restaurant – something quainter than the rather commercial option available.

We were fascinated by a beautiful falcon and even more magnificent looking owls.  Spier is a wonderful place to visit.

Tame falcon flying around at Spier
Tame falcon flying around at Spier

We left and decided to be adventurous and ignore the GPS.  We drove in an unknown direction on the lookout for something quaint.  We drove for two kilometres when we found an interesting sign…Aspidistra Nursery and Tea Garden.

We decided it sounded quaint enough.

It was the most amazing Tea Garden.  I expected fairies to jump out from the beautiful flowers.  Chimes merrily tinkled and chimed in the gentle breeze…

Fairy Garden
Fairy Garden
A bit of Heaven
A bit of Heaven

We had a delightful meal.  It was so peaceful we just sat and chatted.  WE spoke about how much Vic would have enjoyed the garden and how much we miss her.  We exchanged funny stories about Vic and decided to have desert.  I ordered the scones (Vic and my favourite).  The presentation of the scones was amazing!

My scones!
My scones!

“Mom would have loved this!” I said

A white feather floated down onto the table…

“You got your white feather Oumie!” Jared said.

I must be honest that when I started looking there were white feathers everywhere.  There were white pigeons sitting in the trees.

After our leisurely lunch we walked through the nursery part of Aspidistra and my wildest expectations were surpassed!  It was beautiful.  Plants and flowers were displayed in beautiful handcrafted containers; ribbons were swaying in the breeze.

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Then I saw it!  The perfect angel for Vic’s garden of remembrance!

It is a handmade, one of a kind, angel – just like my angel child.  Perfect – just like Vic!

Vic's angel...
Vic’s angel…

The angel is being couriered to our home next week.

I desperately miss my little girl.  I don’t want to be planning her Garden of Remembrance – I want to be planning our trip to Italy.  I want to be having a cup of coffee with my child not putting an almost empty bottle of coffee in a memory box.

I walked back into our home after a wonderful 12 day vacation in Cape Town and the grief overwhelmed me again.  The emptiness of the house truly got to me again today…

Will I ever feel happy again?  As I am typing I can hardly see the screen of my laptop.  I cannot stop the tears.

I cannot believe I ever thought it would be better for Vic to die… I cannot believe I have to face the rest of my life with this empty hole in my heart.  I cannot bear the sorrow.  I want to hold my little girl and hear her say “I love you Mommy”.

I want to see her smile when I say “I love you with all my heart Angel”