Dying is a lonely journey. Not only for the sick person but also for the family. As hard as we may try to avoid death, the truth is that we do a lousy job of it. Science and medicine will certainly postpone it, even staying healthy might seem to delay it, but the harsh reality is that death does not wait for you, it does not ask you, and it does not listen to you. Death ignores your feelings and wants; you do not matter to death…Death is the only certainty in life! We need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because waits for no-one… Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.
This was my song for Vic. I played it for her all the time. We spoke about the words and the meaning of the words.
Today it is 21 weeks since I have been able to touch my child, hold her, brush her hair. I know that she is around me, but I feel so alone without her. Vic was my dearest friend, my companion, my daughter, my soul mate.
Yes, Vic is in my heart. Not a minute goes by that I don’t think of her, miss her…. But I really want her to be with me. When will this pain end? When will I come to terms with the fact that I am alone now.
Yes, I know I am surrounded by people who love me…I know they are worried about me… But nobody can fill the void that Vic’s death has left.
I feel alone even when I am surrounded by lots of people, family….
Nothing in the world could have prepared me for this thing called “grief”. This devastating sorrow.
This weekend I will work in the garden and start preparing Vic’s Angel Garden. I don’t want my child in a friggin garden – I want her in my home. I want her sneaking up behind me and kissing me on the cheek. I want to hear her voice saying “I love you Mommy”. I want to tell her how much I love her.
I want to hear her talking to her boys. Telling them she loves them the “mostest in the world”; reminding them to brush their teeth
I don’t want to feel this sorrow and pain. I want to be happy again.
Wednesday I found another white feather floating in the sea…
Thursday we went to a famous wine farm, Spier. Spier has bird and cheetah sanctuaries. We wandered around and decided against the rather sophisticated meals served. We decided to find a coffee shop or boutique restaurant – something quainter than the rather commercial option available.
We were fascinated by a beautiful falcon and even more magnificent looking owls. Spier is a wonderful place to visit.
We left and decided to be adventurous and ignore the GPS. We drove in an unknown direction on the lookout for something quaint. We drove for two kilometres when we found an interesting sign…Aspidistra Nursery and Tea Garden.
We decided it sounded quaint enough.
It was the most amazing Tea Garden. I expected fairies to jump out from the beautiful flowers. Chimes merrily tinkled and chimed in the gentle breeze…
We had a delightful meal. It was so peaceful we just sat and chatted. WE spoke about how much Vic would have enjoyed the garden and how much we miss her. We exchanged funny stories about Vic and decided to have desert. I ordered the scones (Vic and my favourite). The presentation of the scones was amazing!
“Mom would have loved this!” I said
A white feather floated down onto the table…
“You got your white feather Oumie!” Jared said.
I must be honest that when I started looking there were white feathers everywhere. There were white pigeons sitting in the trees.
After our leisurely lunch we walked through the nursery part of Aspidistra and my wildest expectations were surpassed! It was beautiful. Plants and flowers were displayed in beautiful handcrafted containers; ribbons were swaying in the breeze.
Then I saw it! The perfect angel for Vic’s garden of remembrance!
It is a handmade, one of a kind, angel – just like my angel child. Perfect – just like Vic!
The angel is being couriered to our home next week.
I desperately miss my little girl. I don’t want to be planning her Garden of Remembrance – I want to be planning our trip to Italy. I want to be having a cup of coffee with my child not putting an almost empty bottle of coffee in a memory box.
I walked back into our home after a wonderful 12 day vacation in Cape Town and the grief overwhelmed me again. The emptiness of the house truly got to me again today…
Will I ever feel happy again? As I am typing I can hardly see the screen of my laptop. I cannot stop the tears.
I cannot believe I ever thought it would be better for Vic to die… I cannot believe I have to face the rest of my life with this empty hole in my heart. I cannot bear the sorrow. I want to hold my little girl and hear her say “I love you Mommy”.
I want to see her smile when I say “I love you with all my heart Angel”