Never Alone

This was my song for Vic.  I played it for her all the time.  We spoke about the words and the meaning of the words.

Today it is 21 weeks since I have been able to touch my child, hold her, brush her hair.  I know that she is around me, but I feel so alone without her.  Vic was my dearest friend, my companion, my daughter, my soul mate.

Yes, Vic is in my heart.  Not a minute goes by that I don’t think of her, miss her…. But I really want her to be with me.  When will this pain end?  When will I come to terms with the fact that I am alone now.

Yes, I know I am surrounded by people who love me…I know they are worried about me… But nobody can fill the void that Vic’s death has left.

I feel alone even when I am surrounded by lots of people, family….

Nothing in the world could have prepared me for this thing called “grief”.  This devastating sorrow.

This weekend I will work in the garden and start preparing Vic’s Angel Garden.  I don’t want my child in a friggin garden – I want her in my home.  I want her sneaking up behind me and kissing me on the cheek.  I want to hear her voice saying “I love you Mommy”.  I want to tell her how much I love her.

I want to hear her talking to her boys.  Telling them she loves them the “mostest in the world”; reminding them to brush their teeth

I don’t want to feel this sorrow and pain.  I want to be happy again.

“More than you know”

I have received a couple of very touching emails from Judy Unger.  I am an avid follower of Judy’s blog  I have sensed from Judy’s blogs that she has suffered deeply.  I have however always avoided reading her posts on her son Jason’s death.  Somehow it is too close to home.
This week I received another caring email from Judy.  Tonight I read Judy’s post on her Jason-Mark’s journey.
I wept for Judy.
With fresh, tearfilled eyes, I reread my email.  I listened to Judy’s beautiful song and went to lay with my child.  I held her gently and told her how much I love her.  She is having a bad day and is feeling very frail.
Once again I share this remarkable woman’s caring email with you.  Her words are flattering and the email personal.  Yet I am compelled to share this email…  I hope that you will listen to her beautiful song.  Thank you dear Judy for baring your soul and showing your compassion.  Thank you for reaching out to me!
I am always thinking of you at a time where you are putting one foot in front of the other. There is probably no word in the dictionary to express your exhaustion. Yet, you always find time to respond to every person’s comment with grace and kindness. 

I loved your last post about tears. How beautiful that you could appreciate tears of joy, and not only of suffering at a time like this. 

I have been deeply touched that you’ve shared my songs and words on your blog. It is unbelievable to me how in the short time I’ve know you, you’ve allowed me to help. I certainly hoped and wished I could. My own life has been enriched knowing that I was able to be there for you and Vic. The lovely comments by people who read your blog have also brought me to tears. 

Since you have been Vic’s caregiver, you already know her absence will leave you with a deep abyss. It is so hard to have that devotion stop suddenly, because you will be going from plodding in exhaustion into nothingness. It is shocking because for so long, keeping Vic going has been your major purpose in life. 

Now I want to share about another song that has helped me. It is my song named “More Than You Know.” 

There are many levels to this song similarly to “Set You Free.” The main theme is of letting go. My song was written about friendship, but I revised it after my son Jason died. The lines that I find most applicable to losing my child was: 

“I just can’t find the words to say how it felt when you went away”

With that line I am saying that nothing can possibly express the anguish of grief. 

“I thought that you were mine.”

I believed that my child belonged to me. He was my purpose and I took care of him until he died. I could not accept his death for a very long time. That was why letting go was so hard. 

Your own eloquent words acknowledge acceptance of Vic’s death. You are preparing yourself to let her go. 

But there is no way to do that adequately. 

I share with you my lyrics and song now. Since you have shared my messages, I want to provide a link here to my story about Jason. It helps to explain my songs and why I want to give you hope as you enter the darkness of grief. Your love for Vic will never end, nor her love for you. 

Please know that you (or anyone grieving) can write to me any time. I am sensitive to grief in all forms, but because I am also a bereaved parent, I am especially sad when a child dies. 

Link to Jason’s Story –

Here is my latest song to help you: MORE THAN YOU KNOW-Copyright 2010 by Judy Unger


You gave me your hand; you’d always understand
No one else could see all the change you’d seen in me
You gave me so much; within a single touch
I searched for a smile; you brought mine back for a while
I just can’t find the words to say
How it felt when you went away
All my life, I hoped you would stay
And when you left, I let you go
But I still love you, more than you know
 I still love you
You brought me sunshine; I thought that you were mine
How can I believe? When the warmth of you did leave
You gave me everything that made me want to sing
How could I have guessed that our time would be my best?
I just can’t find the words to say
How it felt when you went away
All my life, I hoped you would stay
And when you left, I let you go
But I still love you, more than you know
 I still love you
I echo you words.

Whispered secrets

Jared and Jon-Daniel taking Vic for a walk during one of her hospital visits 28.8.2011

It is Monday the 3rd of September 2012.  Vic had a horrible night and looked absolutely terrible this morning.  Jared’s kidney hurt like hell and I got an appointment for him to see the urologist at 13:00.

Vic wanted to go with but Jared held her little body in his arms and said: Mommy please stay in bed.  Oumie will take me to the doctor.  I promise I will phone you if I am scared or need you.” 

Vic sobbed uncontrollably.

“Please Mommy, you are just going to be more sore and sick if you go with now…”

Jared and Jon-Daniel are strong and terribly protective of their Mommy.  It stresses and scares them when Vic tries to do too much.  The boys are continually stressing that Vic, in her endeavors to mother, overdoes things and then pays the price.  They feel guilty…they assume responsibility for Vicky’s actions.

“Mom picked me up from school and is now very tired….”

” Mom came to watch me play cricket and is now sick in bed for a week again…”

” Mom broke another vertebra taking me to school….  “

Whilst friends and family “ooh and aahh” about how mature and responsible the boys are, their lives are lonely lives.  They are missing out on their own childhood experiences.  Most of the children in Jared’s class are having “Sweet Sixteen” parties.  Jared is invited but chooses to stay home.  He says it is because the kids smoke and drink…  But I know he does not want to leave his mother.

Until earlier this year, when Vic spoke to the boys, there were whispered secrets, secret tears when we thought they were not looking and false bravado when they were looking.  You see, although we know death is inevitable, the timing is uncertain.  It is like running a marathon without knowing any details about the timing or the course. The boys also experience guilt because they too pray that Vic’s suffering will end.

Yet Vic struggles with dying.  It is impossibly painful to leave her sons.  To let go….. To allow them to be grandmothered….

So, today I again, experienced the unbelievable selflessness of a parentified child when Jared said “Please Mommy, you are just going to be more sore and sick if you go with now…”

Tomorrow morning Jared will return to the operating theater for the 3rd time since the 27th of June 2012.  The sonars show at least two more kidney stones.  Obviously last week’s lithotripsy, or shock wave therapy (EWSL), (to break the stone up into smaller fragments to allow those small pieces to pass more easily into the bladder), was not the solution.  The urologist will perform ureteroscopy.  Instruments are threaded into the ureter that will allow the urologist to place a stent (a thin hollow tube) through the urethra, past the bladder, and into the ureter to bypass the obstructing stone. This stent will be left for two weeks when  Jared will once again go back to theater and the urologist will use instruments to “grab the stone” and remove it.

Tomorrow morning Jon-Daniel will go to school – fearful for both his mother and brother.  He will bravely write a maths test and excel at it.  Success and high marks are his coping mechanism.

How unfair is life.