I am so tired of being sad. I am so terribly tired of missing my child. I miss our easy friendship, our laughter.
I miss laughing!
I miss being happy.
I miss looking forward to tomorrow…
The pain is just too much. I cannot bear the longing any more.
The sad thing is that I have a lifetime of sadness ahead of me.
Tuesday morning arrived. It had been a very long weekend. I battled with the eulogy and my broken heart. Everybody kept looking at me to make sure I was okay… Patting my hand and saying: “It is going to be okay!”
It is never going to be okay. Nothing can erase my child’s suffering and death from my mind. In time I suppose I will learn to live with the pain and longing, but it is NOT GOING TO BE FLIPPEN OKAY!!!!! EVER!!!
I have slept in Vic’s bed since her death to “demystify” her room. I also feel close to her. I can smell her in her pillow; I spray her perfume before I go to sleep.
After Vic passed and before the undertakers arrived I lay next to her lifeless little body. I spoke to her non-stop.
“Sweetie, If your soul is hovering in this room I want a clear sign from you that you are still with me…”
I woke early and prepared for the lousiest day of my life. I started chewing “Rescue” tablets. It was the only way I was going to get through the memorial service without making an absolute fool of myself. The boys looked so handsome! Their mom would have been very proud of her boys!
At the church the hearse was parked at the front door. Vic was already inside the church. A huge photo was on an easel and at least a hundred candles were burning around the casket. The flowers were beautiful. Vic would have approved.
I sat in the pew with tears running down my face. I could not believe that my baby girl was lying in that casket! That I would never see her, never hold her again, never hear her voice again. Sitting in church I could not remember her pain and suffering only my own.
The service was beautiful! The minister spoke from his heart and shared his memories of a brave young woman with almost 200 people. He said that not many people are ever prepared for death but Vic was to such an extent that she had planned her entire memorial service. He wiped a tear from his eyes where he spoke of Vic’s journey.
As instructed by Vic we sang “Amazing Grace” and “How great Art Thou”. I managed to sing – not a pretty sound though! My voice was all over! Vic would have giggled and told me that I sound like my mom!
I did the eulogy with the two boys standing on either side of me. At times my voice wavered and at times even I could hear how strong I sounded.
And then it was time to carry the coffin to the hearse for the FINAL part of Vic’s journey. I could hear the boys quietly sobbing as we carried Vic on her final journey. I felt my face contort with grief and tears.
The coffin was so light! I remember thinking “I wonder if Vic is really in the coffin….”
We lay single roses on the coffin. The two boys’ red roses and the rest of us pink…. Kari and Simone (Vic’s nieces) came up and stroked the coffin. They sobbed uncontrollably. I could hear people crying.
The minister said a final prayer, and it was time for Vic to leave.
The undertaker solemnly hugged me and closed the rear door of the hearse. It opened…. He pushed the coffin into position and relocked the locking mechanism. He closed the door again. Once again the door closed and opened!
“Vic is here and she is telling us she is going no where!” I said
People laughed nervously….
The undertaker unlocked the lock and pushed the coffin into position again. The undertaker locked the locking mechanism for the 3rd time. He closed the door. This time it remained closed. Vic had gotten her message through to me…I received my sign.
My precious child is still with me.
It is Christmas. It is a warm, and sunny-day, and my heart is cold.
This is our last Christmas as a complete family.
Vic has been vomiting non-stop. The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth. Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections. Sr Siza popped in. She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.
“Please Sister, not my bum. Please do it on my thigh.”
Vic no longer has an appetite. She is sleeping at least 20 out of 24 hours. Vic is very warm to the touch and appears flushed. The thermometer reflects a temperature of 37 degrees C.
“Do you understand what your body is telling you Vic?” Siza asked
Vic nodded and whispered “I do not want to die…”
“Nobody wants to die, Vicky. We all will walk this path. Some sooner than others… You have a degenerative illness and your body is tired…”
“You must surrender your body to God. It is time for your brain to make peace with what is happening in your body.” Siza said. “Where is your Bible?”
Siza read from Ecclesiastes 3 – New International Version (NIV)
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Siza prayed for Vic and the family for peace and grace in this time. Vic cried and Danie gently held her.
Danie, and I walked with Siza. Her eyes were sad when she said “Her body is shutting down. It could be quick or it could be a few weeks.”
The rest of Christmas Eve passed as if I was in a daze. Lani and the kids arrived, my dear friend Judy arrived after a marathon charity event and the smell of gammon and roast lamb permeated the house. The tables looked festive and there were tons of gifts under the tree.
Vic handed out the gifts. The kids shrieked with delight. A lot of thought went into the gifts. The gifts were truly gifts of love.
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
I started wrapping Christmas gifts today. It is such a fun part of Christmas. Vic came and sat with me. Her face incredibly sad… “What’s wrong Baby?”
“My heart is hurting Mommy.”
“Vic there is nothing wrong with your heart? Do you have pain? What’s wrong?” I panicked.
Vic laughed …”No Mommy, my heart is sad. I think it is my last Christmas…”
“Baby, the doctors said you would not live to be 12 and you are still alive. You will beat this again….”
My little angel girl looked at me with so much sadness in her eyes…It broke my heart. In my heart I know she is right.
“Mom I am so lonely…”
“I know Baby.”
“Everybody has somebody – I miss having a partner, a soul mate…”
“I know Angel. I was on my own for a long time – remember?”
“Yes but now you have Dad. I will never have someone in my life again….” Vic said
I have no words for my child. Only tears and prayers….
Time is closing in on us Quicker than I would have wanted it to
I tried to make the moments last
But still they slip away
Day by dayHour by hour
Minute by minute
Our time together lessens
With each tick of the clock
The day,
The moment I have feared
For months now
Continues to draw closer
Soon I will be saying
Good-byeSaying good-bye
Now it is summer
To someone I love
With every inch of my soul
Watching you leave
As I stand crying
There is nothing more I can do
No more time I can savor
No more hugs to drag out
Nothing left
Except time
And distance
A long and lonely stretch of highway
That separates our love
and I must wait
I count each day
until the moment.
Where I can see your face again
and feel your little arms wrapped around me
as we sleep
Together as one
Saying good-bye is never easy
but one must always remember
that good-bye
does not mean forever
and there will come a time
when again we can say
Hello.
“We will Skype every day angel” I promised
“Bring our cuzzies back in your suitcase Oumie” Jared said
And then we were on our way to the airport. It took every ounce of my strength not to stay. I kept seeing Vic’s tear filled eyes….
It was a wonderful flight. I literally slept from Johannesburg to London. I had a cup of tea at the airport and caught the coach to Coventry. I slept from Heathrow to Coventry….
It was so great seeing Michaela again. We had lots of tea and chatted non-stop. Mackenzie, the one-year old baby cried and would not sit with me. We pull faces at her and chat on Skype but that is so different to real life. She will warm to her Oumie!
At 3pm we first collected Georgia from Nursery School. She was quietly sitting on the carpet in her class and when she saw me she just mouthed “Oumie…” We hugged and kissed and she held onto me as if to say “Don’t go…”
At 3.15pm Chloe’s classroom doors opened. Chloe was sitting next to a little boy and did not notice me at first. Her teacher called out her name and she got up to walk out of her classroom. Her blue eyes connected with mine and disbelief spread over her little face. She went from walking to flying!
We spent a wonderful afternoon playing and chatting. I got to help with the girls bathing. Mackenzie no longer cries when I come near her and her sister wanted to sleep in my bed with me….
I am such a blessed woman. I am surrounded by love.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.”
Babies are emotional beings right from birth. As parents we know that babies respond to emotional expressions such as smiling within the first few weeks of life. Within three months babies can react to and express joy, interest, anger, sadness and disgust.
Babies and young children express their emotions without reservation. In time, they however learn to control and even conceal some of their feelings, especially when they are sad, frightened, or angry.
As adults we lose our ability to communicate spontaneously. We become guarded. Many of us may still be comfortable expressing positive emotions, such as joy, pride and happiness, but will refrain from sharing feelings that we fear may make others uncomfortable.
The grieving process that walks hand in hand with terminal illness however catapults the bravest of us into a whirlpool of emotions ranging from fear, sadness and anger to irrational hope.
We are what we are. If you are naturally an introvert it will be very difficult to reach out to others when we or a loved one battles a serious or terminal illness. This makes the grieving process difficult for us. People who are comfortable in expressing their emotions are usually more able to reach out to others for the support and reassurance that they need.
When I am scared or angry I withdraw within my safe place where no one is welcome or allowed. In fear I will push people away from me. Anger is different – I will lash out and go for the jugular. Fear for my family will bring out the most primal instincts in me. I will do anything to protect them.
To maintain control I hold tightly onto my emotions– I know that if I allow myself to falter even a little, I may collapse into a whimpering heap of tears. It has taken superhuman efforts to allow Vic to see some of my pain. Well, I fool myself that she only sees some of it. Vic knows so well how my life will screech to an end the day her life ends… We have spoken about absolutely anything and everything. She knows my heart.
Tomorrow morning Jared will have a lymphoma biopsy.
Today, when I saw the tears of fear form in Vic’s eyes, I said “Stop! We never cry in front of the children”
Tomorrow I will smile, support and encourage.
Tonight I will weep for my beautiful grandson, his mother and his little brother……..I will weep for his grandfather and everyone who loves and admires him.
When I wipe my last tears I will retreat to my safe place….. Tomorrow I will smile, support and encourage.
Vic's Final Journey 