A lifetime of sadness


2010
13.2.2011

I am so tired of being sad.  I am so terribly tired of missing my child.  I miss our easy friendship, our laughter.

I miss laughing!

I miss being happy.

I miss looking forward to tomorrow…

The pain is just too much.  I cannot bear the longing any more.

The sad thing is that I have a lifetime of sadness ahead of me.

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Rose of Kindness Award


Rose of Kindness Award
Rose of Kindness Award

Today I stumbled across an amazing blog.  It is a blog about kindness…. http://kindnessblog.com

Please pop in there.  Let’s all think about “kindness” and make it our goal to perform just one special act of kindness every day!  It has to be a special act of kindness that actually takes an effort.

Vic was a kind and generous person.  Her legacy is one of kindness and generosity.  So I have come up with an award… The Rose of Kindness Award.  I would like to add that we need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someone’s out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because death waits for no-one…  Be kind and gentle.  Cherish your relationships remember to be kind….  Pay it forward!

Rules of the Rose of Kindness Award

  1. Add the Rose of Kindness Award on your blog
  2. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog
  3. Nominate 13 (my lucky number) bloggers whose kindness you have experienced
  4. Post why you are nominating each of your nominees
  5. Let the nominees know that you nominated them
  6. Suggest one special act of kindness that the world may benefit from

So I have to nominate some kind people.

  1. My treasured friend, Sandra @ http://thedrsays.org/, who is terminally ill and yet has so much kindness in her heart that she still reaches out to me and other people.  This brave and selfless woman has made a difference in my world.  She worries about her loved ones that she will leave behind.  Thank you dear friend for caring when you have so much to deal with!  You are always in my thoughts and prayers!
  2. http://behindthemaskofabuse.com is a heart wrenching blog about a woman’s life of abuse.  She was raised by a narcissistic father, and a mother who rarely protected her from his verbal, mental, emotional and psychological abuse.  She endured molestation, both inside and outside the family setting, raped at the tender age of 11 years old.  This blog is written by an amazing person. A strong person battling recovery, anger and betrayal.   She battles C-PTSD and BDD.  Out of her pain two books were born and are published on Amazon “Buckwheatsrisk-Abuse Survival”, and a poetry book entitled “If I Could Write my Heart.” I salute you dear friend for your resilience and kindness.  Out of your hardship a beautiful kind and caring human being was born.  Thank you dear friend for the kindness you have shown!
  3. http://idealisticrebel.wordpress.com/ – Rebel is amazing and takes on the world! A kind and brave blogger who fights to make the world a better place.  Rebel is a kind and generous friend.
  4. http://jmgoyder.com/ – My precious friend Julie who has so much pain and loss to work through.  Julie writes about the love between her and her ailing husband.  It is the most beautiful love story ever!  Julie is kind and caring.  Thank you for your loving kindness dear friend!
  5. http://valeriedavies.com/  A gutsy, wise lady who is a friend and an amazing writer.  Thank you for your love and support.
  6. Judy is my dear friend who has guided me through this abyss of grief that I am walking…http://myjourneysinsight.com  Judy reaches out to grieving parents.  She offers guidance, advice and love.  Thank you dearest Judy for your kindness and friendship. 
  7. Shirley @ http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com is a true warrior, fighting for justice yet always ready to extend a hand of friendship and support.  Shirley taken on the judicial world to bring justice to the unsolved and uncleared and uncared for deaths.  Thank you dear Shirley for your words and actions of kindness.
  8. Len @ http://myownheart.me is a precious friend who always has a kind word of support.  Despite her pain after the tragic loss of her precious Klysta Len reaches out a hand of friendship with words of kindness.  Thank you dear Len
  9. This wonderful woman has 1077 followers and yet she has time to read my blog, comment and encourage.  Her words of advice are filled with compassion and kindness.  Thank you dear Diana http://talktodiana.wordpress.com/
  10. Katie Mitchell who suffers debilitating pain yet this brave young woman has made it her mission in life to educate the world on Connective Tissue disorders.  Vic suffered from Osteogenesis Imperfecta, a connective tissue disorder. Katie is a kind and gentle person –very worthy of this award. http://connectivetissuedisorders.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/treading-water
  11. Shaun @ http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/ is a kind and cherished friend.  I sometimes feel bad because I know I cause him pain because of my grief.  He reaches out wanting to make my life better.  Thank you dear, kind friend.  I know you don’t accept awards anymore so I truly understand if you don’t accept. 
  12. http://kindnessblog.com/  I would be remiss to not award the blog that inspired this action.  Thank you for the goodness you radiate in your blog.  I could not find your name anywhere but I hope you will accept.
  13. Terry @ http://terry1954.wordpress.com/ is a kind blogger who cares for her brother deeply and passionately.  She is a shiny example of how we should treat our fellow human beings and family – with kindness! 
  14. An extra nomination – My beautiful, brave child who radiated goodness and kindness, this award is for you!  You made the world a better place.  I am proud to be your Mommy.  This award photo is of the rose we planted at the front door…I love you angel child.

My suggested act of kindness:  On Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, remember any friends who have lost a parent the previous year, and check in with them.  Those will be tough days.

Lets start a wave of kindness!

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Seasons and Reasons


When my brave daughter planned her memorial service she specified these words of wisdom to be in the funeral letter.  It was a personal note from Vic to us.  I wonder how many people actually realized it?IMG_2092 1

 

Reason, Season and Lifetime

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
or to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.
It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life.

Love

Vicky

When I read this the first time I categorized people in to the Reason; Season and Lifetime categories… I clearly remembered and recognized the “Reason” and “Season” friends…  I found that the “Reason” people were people who crossed my path early in my life… I almost felt that it was old work colleagues, school friends, childhood neighbours.  Character defining people who either moved on or were left behind by me.

A “Season” can be defined as an hour, day, week, year, or several years. Maybe even part of a lifetime, but it will at some time fade out and for no real reason.   The “Seasoners” will bring you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.  The season relationship is not something to force or cling to… It dies naturally and through no fault of either person.

Lifetime friendships offer not only good times, but also survives bad times, offers times for growth and challenge. The friendship grows over time, and a deep abiding bond develops – a love which sustains both people in the friendship.  They become members of your family.  They may be people with whom you’ve grown up or met yesterday, but they will be there “until death do us part”.

I stood in front of the church flanked by my grandsons when I delivered my precious child’s eulogy.  I looked at the people and recognised the “Reasoners, Seasoners and Life timers…”

I saw so many Life Timers who truly loved Vic until death saved her from more pain and suffering.  Friends that never abandoned her, patiently waited for a good day to see her… Friends quietly crying tears of deep sorrow and loss….

I remembered why Vic chose this poem, in 2003, to be in her funeral letter.  She wanted to thank each and every person for the role they played in her life.  She wanted people to know that she clearly saw and accepted this truth. She felt great sorrow when someones time with her ended. It’s only natural when we come to love someone to want them to be there forever. Vic clung to relationships and friendships way past their “expiry” date.  She mourned her losses.

Vic did however learn that very valuable life lesson – to be grateful for whatever time she was granted with those she cared about.  Vic clung to life to extend her time with the “life timers”…

My beautiful Vic
My beautiful Vic

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Death had to pry her fingers from Life and her Life Timers…

"Sisters by Heart"
“Sisters by Heart”

 

 

Can angels read?


Ah, I have been surrounded by angels this week!  Yesterday my friend Trix, just popped around with a beautiful bunch of roses…yellow and orange.  Vic would have loved the flowers and the gesture!  Vic’s eldest sibling too dropped off a beautiful bunch of flowers.
 Yesterday we burnt candles for Vic.  We all cried.  We all desperately missed Vic.
 Trix is a “new” friend.  She is part of the Stepping Stone Hospice steering committee.  Trix is funny, fit, bright, dynamic and very intelligent!  She is absolutely amazing, and no amount of effort or work for Stepping Stone Hospice is too much effort.  Trix posts these amazing comments on Facebook throughout the day.  Her posts are philosophical, funny and radiates her love of life and people.  
 Trix has become such an important part of my life in a short period of time.  She has a way of saying “Do what you must do to cope with today…”  She is not the huggy/kissy type friend… Under her chirpy exterior lies one of the most positive and honest people I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  
 Now my friendship with Trix is one of the few goods things that came out of Vic’s illness… If Vic had not dreamt of a Hospice and Trix had not lost a husband to cancer in a Hospice In-Patient unit we may never have met… 
 Another new friend is Wendie Deacon http://deaconfamilyblog.wordpress.com/an-angel-named-vic/  Wendie is a nice person who is truly gifted.  Wendie has challenges of her own and the way she has handles these challenges are so brave!  She messages and says such beautiful things of Vic… That on it’s only is enough to truly endear her to me.  Wendy wrote a beautiful poem for Vic…  Thank you dear Wendie for honouring Vic with your words!
 If only Vic could read Wendie’s beautiful poem… Do you think angels can read?  I wish Vic could read these words…

An Angel named Vic

Remembering Vic 3

 Who knew that you could fly dear Vic?

One day you sprouted wings

to soar.

Valiantly ascending heavenward

despite all you had endured.

At last the pain subsided

and all at once was gone.

You left a radiant legacy

that lovingly carries on.

A beautiful spirit in the sky.

Now free from sorrow, hurt and pain.

so many loved ones

here on earth

await embracing you again.

pink creme roses

Deaconfamilysentiments©

Wendie Jeanne Deacon©

“I’ll meet you at the end of the earth”


Vic and some of her highschool friends
Vic and some of her highschool friends

I am systematically packing up Vic’s belongings.  It has been a humongous job!  Vic was a squirrel – she hoarded! I have discarded hundreds of old VCR tapes….thousands of photos and many hundreds of cards.  The “Good luck with exam cards” were totally wasted on Vic – I came across her school reports again…; get better cards, I love you cards and thank you for your friendship cards from her school friends; lots and lots of Valentine cards… The one card that got to me was a card that read:-

To My Daughter

So many times

When you were a child,

I looked upon your

Sleeping face

And wondered

What kind of woman

You’d grow up to be?”

Then on the inside of the card it reads “You grew up as wonderful as I imagined” Today I can categorically state that was not true.  Vic grew up to be a far more wonderful person than I could ever have imagined. Vic was kind and generous.  Vic always smiled.  Vic loved unconditionally and never judged.  Vic was devoid of bitterness and hate.  She never spoke unkind words.  Her bravery goes without saying… Vic is the bravest person I know.  Vic always said “I am fine thank you…”  The shrillness of the “fine” was the “stress-indicator” of how ill she was.

The cards her school friends wrote were to thank her for her friendship and support.  Gia wrote on the 26th of March – year unknown: “This is just a short note to say thanks for all your help, attention, help and love while I’ve been under the weather…” On the 28th of October 1991 Tatum wrote “You’re a great friend and I am dreading this time next year when we all have to say goodbye.  Thank you for being you and putting up with me…”  Monique wrote “Thanx for everything.  You know what everything is.” One of the Vicky’s wrote “as friends we have walked together sharing joy, laughter and tears.  Though time may pass and things may change, I’m sure you’ll agree, That one thing always stays the same…each other’s loyalty” Mouse wrote “Vicks thank you for willingly giving help – be it a smile or a thoughtful thought – It may go unnoticed but it is appreciated” Gia ended most of her notes, cards and letters with “I’ll meet you at the end of the earth”

Vic is 2nd from the left in the back row.

I truly felt like a grave robber going through Vic’s private correspondence.  I cannot keep it all – there is just too much and I did not want to discard her whole life.  So I have made a memory box of all her school dance invitations and photos, her friends’ notes, some boyfriends’ letters and her theatre season tickets.  I have added some of the hundreds of cards I sent her over the years.  Yes…Vic kept them all!!!!

How can I just wipe out her lifetimes memories?  Vic treasured these items and I will keep it safely for her grandchildren to see one day… This memory box is her memory box.  A tribute by her friends… It was an experience to “see” Vic in high school.  Vic insisted on going to boarding school in High School, and she was accepted at one of the most prestigious girl schools in South Africa.  Vic LOVED the freedom and camaraderie of boarding school.  She got up to a lot of mischief!  I have now personally seen the photos of what the girls got up too…   But I am so glad.

I have come to realise that I never truly allowed Vic to grow up.  I was an over protective mother and quite honestly maybe even a little overbearing.  Vic always remained a child.  Albeit a mature child and an old soul but never the less a child. From the day my beautiful baby girl was born I knew I had to protect her from the world.  She was too tiny and beautiful for this horrible world we live in.  Now my beautiful baby girl is safe from pain, hurt and the ugliness of the world.

You Will Never Get Over it


Vic as a little girl
Vic as a little girl

I have subscribed to a club…The Grief Club”.  I will share the very first post I read with you.

You Will Never Get Over it

By

Corinne Edwards, Guest Author

 

We had a shocking loss of a young person in the family.  My 21 year old son died in an accident. The next day, a friend came to see us.  His son had been killed by a drunk driver. His words surprised me.  They didn’t sink in until much later.

“You will never get over this.  If you know this in advance, you won’t try.  You will not struggle and condemn yourself for not succeeding.”

He was right.  His words became a consolation.  I stopped trying. That’s why I decided to write this article.  I wanted to share my friend’s words with  you. The old normal is gone.  There’s  a hole in your heart and your being that will never be filled.

I related to so many things the women confided.  I read their stories – did the same things.  I also felt my son around all the time.  I went to psychics to try to contact him.  I even attended a séance. I prayed for messages.  I dreamed about him often. I imagined I saw him in a crowd of people.   I wouldn’t let him go.

One psychic told me that those who have gone on to the other side are allowed to stay around for a while to help and comfort, but they won’t be here forever. I started feeling him less and less.  I dreamed about  him only once in a while.  But  he’s never left my heart.

After a period of intense pain, you’ll be different.  The person you were is gone.  It is an amputation.  Eventually, a new person will emerge.  It will be the new normal. A new life will start to take shape, but the limb you  lost won’t grow back.  You will have something in common with a soldier who bravely runs a marathon despite having a prosthesis for a leg.

As my friend said, you’ll never get over it.

This new person will have a life which includes peace, love  and even laughter, community and new friendships.  It can and will happen in your own time.

I believe there is a tiny gift inherent in every unspeakable tragedy. One is compassion.  I could not have written that article for widows if I hadn’t experienced the grief of losing my husband.  I would not have been able to connect.

Another gift is knowing how to help someone who’s in  extreme pain.

The world doesn’t give you much time.  You hear platitudes like “Life goes on” and “Thank God you have other family.”  They say it as if another person can  replace the one you  lost.  You get about two months to get over it. The truth is, they don’t know what to say.  What they don’t know is that all they need to do is listen.

Part of the gift is giving someone else your time to listen far beyond the window  normally allowed.  You know they have no one to talk to.  You reach out more. You know how important it is to tell the story, over and over.

The sharing of this gift, when you are able, will comfort you. You’ll stop struggling to get over it.  You’ll trust that if you’re  still on this earth, there must be a reason. The new normal person will find that reason.  It may not  exist yet, but every day it becomes more real..

© Corinne Edwards

http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com

I have so far to go!