Tag: anger

being – reposted


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One of my favorite poets posted this poem today.  It touched my heart and I wanted to share it with you.  Thank you Aarthi!  http://sickocean.wordpress.com/2012/12/26/being/#respond

for someone we love
we can be
the best of the needs, of love of life

what beautiful essence of life
is hidden in the moments when
you smile not for your own but for someone else

your love forever increases in amount
you grow all the more still and calm
you forgive and forget the greatest of harms

its the serenity of love when
you are holding someone to save
in empty moments their voice you crave

and when indeed life offers you a chance
you run away and hug them
singing to their heart your precious song

being human
is to love someone
so much beyond yourself

perhaps to an extent that
you forget your own pains
and their wounds make you cry…

 

This is Vic’s Journey


Despite the fact that Vic has known for a long time that she will not die from old age the grim reality of Hospice involvement has forced Vic to come to terms with many losses.

 “I still can’t believe it’s going to happen. I thought I had more time. I’m tired but I don’t feel that bad. I just feel like such a burden! I am so worried about how you will cope Mommy.  We have always been so close….” Vic lamented this past week.

I am told that Vic is expressing many normal emotions that occur near the end of life. She is feeling the shock of how final death is and the guilt of being a burden on the family. Vic is also concerned about her family she will leave behind….

Knowing that death is imminent is takings its emotional toll on all of us

Vic said tonight that she has never been more scared in her entire life.  She is scared of being “isolated” from us.  She fears that we will not cope.  She is so scared of the pain.  She is so scared of leaving the boys behind….

I blogged on Vic’s fears before.  https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/01/vics-fears-2-7-2012   That blog was based on some research and actual observations.  Now the fears have intensified and are more real than ever. The situation has changed so much in the past three months.   For the worse!

The good thing is that Vic is actually sharing her fears with me.  Tonight we prayed over her fears.  Vic, at last, is dealing with her fears.

Vic is not ready to die. I am certain that very few people actually ever feel ready to die. I have read that it is perfectly normal to feel angry about life being cut short — it’s unfair and you have a right to be mad!  Unfortunately, anger often gets directed at those closest to us, the ones we love the most. We feel safe with these people and know they will probably accept our anger and forgive us for it.  Vic over the past couple of months has lashed out at the boys and I.

Vic is now channelling her anger as a source of energy to help her take action where it’s needed. She is telling us, her family, things she really wants us to know. Vic has re-channelled her anger to do meaningful and positive things.

Vic feels guilty about being a burden on us.  She also feels guilty that she will be leaving her children behind.  Tonight she told me that she felt guilty for distracting me whilst I was driving, 32 years ago, and we were involved in an accident!  I told her that I felt guilty for yelling at her when she was 4 years old.  Until my dying day I will always remember the fear and confusion in her dark brown eyes….

Worrying endlessly about these long-gone things won’t make it feel better about them. It won’t ease the burden we are carrying. It won’t make us feel better. It won’t make Vic live longer…

We spoke and I told Vic that we simply have to let things go.  We cannot change the past.  We must fix what can be fixed and try to let go of the things that cannot be changed.

Vic is stressed that Jon-Daniel and she have drifted apart.  He is angry with the situation.  She wants to spend time with him to rebuild their relationship.

Vic is no longer looking ahead to a seemingly “endless” future. She has lost so many things already.  The strength to get around like she used to, the ability to get together with friends….. Vic feels distanced from friends who cannot handle the fact that she is going to die soon.

Vic has had many physical and emotional losses which have come before the loss of life itself.  Yet she has gained some things too.  She is seeking spiritual peace, a new relationship with her God.

Hospice has given Vic Azor for the anxiety.  I believe that the drug is allowing Vic the calmness to seek spiritual peace and closure.  She is getting her life in order.  Over the years we discussed death as a natural extension of life….  Now she is discussing her funeral with me.  Psalm 23 ans 1 Cor 13 will be the readings…  What I will dress her in… Her pallbearers…

I sense a loneliness of the heart in Vic.  I cannot imagine what it feels like to be aware of the fact that you are facing your last months of life, planning your funeral….No matter what we do or say – this is Vic’s journey.

I remember how I cried when I watched the movie Passion of Christ and saw Mary having to stand by, helplessly,  whilst her son suffered carrying The Cross…  She had to stand by and watch Him die the cruelest of cruel deaths…

Tonight Vic prayed “Dear Lord Jesus, we have not been friends for a long time.  Yet I have come to you tonight to ask You to put Your arms around my children and to protect them…”

God please have mercy on my child.

“We never cry in front of the children …..”


Jared and Vic after the “news” today

Babies are emotional beings right from birth. As parents we know that babies respond to emotional expressions such as smiling within the first few weeks of life. Within three months babies can react to and express joy, interest, anger, sadness and disgust.

Babies and young children express their emotions without reservation.  In time, they however learn to control and even conceal some of their feelings, especially when they are sad, frightened, or angry.

As adults we lose our ability to communicate spontaneously.  We become guarded.  Many of us may still be comfortable expressing positive emotions, such as joy, pride and happiness, but will refrain from sharing feelings that we fear may make others uncomfortable.

The grieving process that walks hand in hand with terminal illness however catapults the bravest of us into a whirlpool of emotions ranging from fear, sadness and anger to irrational hope.

We are what we are.  If you are naturally an introvert it will be very difficult to reach out to others when we or a loved one battles a serious or terminal illness. This makes the grieving process difficult for us.  People who are comfortable in expressing their emotions are usually more able to reach out to others for the support and reassurance that they need.

When I am scared or angry I withdraw within my safe place where no one is welcome or allowed. In fear I will push people away from me.  Anger is different – I will lash out and go for the jugular.  Fear for my family will bring out the most primal instincts in me.  I will do anything to protect them.

To maintain control I hold tightly onto my emotions– I know that if I allow myself to falter even a little, I may collapse into a whimpering heap of tears.  It has taken superhuman efforts to allow Vic to see some of my pain.  Well, I fool myself that she only sees some of it.  Vic knows so well how my life will screech to an end the day her life ends… We have spoken about absolutely anything and everything.  She knows my heart.

Tomorrow morning Jared will have a lymphoma biopsy.

Today, when I saw the tears of fear form in Vic’s eyes, I said “Stop!  We never cry in front of the children”

Tomorrow I will smile, support and encourage.

Tonight I will weep for my beautiful grandson, his mother and his little brother……..I will weep for his grandfather and everyone who loves and admires him.

When I wipe my last tears I will retreat to my safe place…..  Tomorrow I will smile, support and encourage.

Kidney stones on the move….


Another Hospital Passage – Different Day

On the 23rd of July, we found out that Jared had kidney stones.  (https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/23/deje-vu-7/).  At the time the kidney stones were  not obstructing the urinary track so the decision was made, by the Urologist, to leave it and reassess the situation in 6 months.   On Friday night, at a Youth Meeting, Jared’s kidney stones gave notice that they had started to move!

I was petrified that if we took him to Casualty we would end up with a bum Urologist (https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/27/vic-olympic-champion) so after researching “Kidney Stones” on Google we (I) decided to monitor and control his pain, let him drink lots of water, anti-inflammatory tablets and a urinary track antacid…  In the event of him “vomiting from pain” or “passing blood” we would be forced to be at the mercy of the On Call Urologist!

By Sunday night the poor soul was quite pale and said his pain was at an “8”.  There was no sign of bleeding and an insignificant level of protein in his urine (I kept testing his urine) and the Leucocytes, Nitrate, Urobilinogen, pH, Blood, Specific Gravity, Ketone, Bilirubin and Glucose levels were all within the correct limits….

I managed to get an appointment with the Urologist for 10:00 this morning.  He did a scan and low and behold there was this large (6.6mm) kidney stone stuck in the  urethra…. At 15:00 this afternoon Jared was wheeled into the operating theater for the 2nd time this year.  Thirty minutes later the urologist came through and told us that Jared had passed 5 of the original 6 kidney stones – including the one that showed up as causing an obstruction at 10:00 this morning!  The child did not whimper or moan!  He was stoic in his pain!  The 6th kidney stone was dissolved with a  procedure called lithotripsy. In this procedure, shock waves are used to break up a large stone into smaller pieces that can then pass through the urinary system.

In the passage of the hospital Vic said to me “Mommy, I am so grateful.  Jared got through the operation like a real trooper.  ”  I was immediately filled with an all-consuming anger.  The operation went well, Jared did get through it like a trooper but what has started happening in his young body?  Adhesions people!!  Flippen adhesions!!!!

I said nothing but she saw my face.

As soon as we had Jared settled and comfortable I brought Vic home.  She was totally exhausted and in absolute agony!

In the car Vic said to me “Mommy, you seem so angry with me?  What have I done?”

“I am angry that an innocent child is going through the same hell that you went through as a child”

Vic’s father and I were not aware of the Osteogenesis Imperfecta gene on her Dad’s side of the family.  We made the decision not to have more children after Vic was diagnosed.  We were determined to never subject another child to OI.

From a young age, we told Vic that OI was a genetic disorder.  She KNEW that she should not have children.  She fell pregnant TWICE.  I know she was on  the Pill, suffered from SEVERE endometriosis and that she fell pregnant against all odds.  Yet, she chose to carry the babies and risk them being born with the OI gene…. Despite the Dept of Genealogy at Wits University, her gynecologist and doctors strongly advising against it!

I love the boys with every fiber in my body!  I am so grateful that they are in my life.  They have enriched my life in every way.  I cannot imagine my life without them.  I don’t want to live without them.    But, almost every day of my life I counsel at least one of the boys that, only if the OI gene can be isolated, should they consider having children one day…  They see their mother’s suffering.  They live her suffering!  Jared is starting to live his own suffering.

We are seeing Jared regress into Osteogenesis.  It has been obvious for a long time that Jared’s ligaments and tissue are affected.  He has only had a couple of mild fractures but he is always hurting somewhere.

Today Vic said that I have become “hard”.  I suppose I have.   Vic thinks I am hard because I believe in death with dignity.  Because I stopped all aggressive treatment for Alzheimers Pneumonia after my Dad no longer had any control over his body functions and had forgotten how to swallow or walk!  Vic cannot believe that I want to talk to the boys about considering vasectomies when they become sexually active (or earlier).

I cannot do this again.  I am venting.  I am so angry!!  I am angry with a debilitating disease and yes, I am angry with Vicky for allowing this dreadful gene to be passed on to an innocent child.

This vicious cycle has to stop!