This is Vic’s Journey


Despite the fact that Vic has known for a long time that she will not die from old age the grim reality of Hospice involvement has forced Vic to come to terms with many losses.

 “I still can’t believe it’s going to happen. I thought I had more time. I’m tired but I don’t feel that bad. I just feel like such a burden! I am so worried about how you will cope Mommy.  We have always been so close….” Vic lamented this past week.

I am told that Vic is expressing many normal emotions that occur near the end of life. She is feeling the shock of how final death is and the guilt of being a burden on the family. Vic is also concerned about her family she will leave behind….

Knowing that death is imminent is takings its emotional toll on all of us

Vic said tonight that she has never been more scared in her entire life.  She is scared of being “isolated” from us.  She fears that we will not cope.  She is so scared of the pain.  She is so scared of leaving the boys behind….

I blogged on Vic’s fears before.  https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/01/vics-fears-2-7-2012   That blog was based on some research and actual observations.  Now the fears have intensified and are more real than ever. The situation has changed so much in the past three months.   For the worse!

The good thing is that Vic is actually sharing her fears with me.  Tonight we prayed over her fears.  Vic, at last, is dealing with her fears.

Vic is not ready to die. I am certain that very few people actually ever feel ready to die. I have read that it is perfectly normal to feel angry about life being cut short — it’s unfair and you have a right to be mad!  Unfortunately, anger often gets directed at those closest to us, the ones we love the most. We feel safe with these people and know they will probably accept our anger and forgive us for it.  Vic over the past couple of months has lashed out at the boys and I.

Vic is now channelling her anger as a source of energy to help her take action where it’s needed. She is telling us, her family, things she really wants us to know. Vic has re-channelled her anger to do meaningful and positive things.

Vic feels guilty about being a burden on us.  She also feels guilty that she will be leaving her children behind.  Tonight she told me that she felt guilty for distracting me whilst I was driving, 32 years ago, and we were involved in an accident!  I told her that I felt guilty for yelling at her when she was 4 years old.  Until my dying day I will always remember the fear and confusion in her dark brown eyes….

Worrying endlessly about these long-gone things won’t make it feel better about them. It won’t ease the burden we are carrying. It won’t make us feel better. It won’t make Vic live longer…

We spoke and I told Vic that we simply have to let things go.  We cannot change the past.  We must fix what can be fixed and try to let go of the things that cannot be changed.

Vic is stressed that Jon-Daniel and she have drifted apart.  He is angry with the situation.  She wants to spend time with him to rebuild their relationship.

Vic is no longer looking ahead to a seemingly “endless” future. She has lost so many things already.  The strength to get around like she used to, the ability to get together with friends….. Vic feels distanced from friends who cannot handle the fact that she is going to die soon.

Vic has had many physical and emotional losses which have come before the loss of life itself.  Yet she has gained some things too.  She is seeking spiritual peace, a new relationship with her God.

Hospice has given Vic Azor for the anxiety.  I believe that the drug is allowing Vic the calmness to seek spiritual peace and closure.  She is getting her life in order.  Over the years we discussed death as a natural extension of life….  Now she is discussing her funeral with me.  Psalm 23 ans 1 Cor 13 will be the readings…  What I will dress her in… Her pallbearers…

I sense a loneliness of the heart in Vic.  I cannot imagine what it feels like to be aware of the fact that you are facing your last months of life, planning your funeral….No matter what we do or say – this is Vic’s journey.

I remember how I cried when I watched the movie Passion of Christ and saw Mary having to stand by, helplessly,  whilst her son suffered carrying The Cross…  She had to stand by and watch Him die the cruelest of cruel deaths…

Tonight Vic prayed “Dear Lord Jesus, we have not been friends for a long time.  Yet I have come to you tonight to ask You to put Your arms around my children and to protect them…”

God please have mercy on my child.

13 thoughts on “This is Vic’s Journey

  1. As always you are all in my thoughts. What a terrible, cruel burden to have to bear. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to be planning your own funeral. I really relate to what you said here “anger often gets directed at those closest to us, the ones we love the most. We feel safe with these people and know they will probably accept our anger and forgive us for it.” I do my very best to keep from taking my anger out at my mom, she has always been the only real light in my life, the only one who understands my pain. 80% of the time or so I’m able to keep from directing my pain, sadness and frustration at her, but sometimes those emotions find their way out. I’m glad that you understand that Vic means nothing by it in regards to you and the boys, it’s not about anything that anyone else has done wrong, it’s about our own anguish and helplessness.

    My best wishes to a strong, strong family.

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  2. How wonderful it is that Vic has become friends with Jesus. He will protect her children as she prayed. You all are very strong and Christ has been with all of you through this journey; whether you realize it or not. He promised never to forsake you and he has and will hold to that promise. That is, as long as you believe. I am honored to be able to take part in your journey, but more so honored to see that you have come to Christ. I continue to keep you all in my prayers. God Bless, all of you.

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  3. Praising God now for hospice again! I have to be honest with you I was not sure I could read your blog. Only because my heart is too tender. I did though start here and am grateful I did so. it is like me to feel things like your love and sense of loss already for so much for your beloved daughter deeply. I absorb like a sponge sometimes with certain people. Its sometimes hard to find a place for these kinds of feelings when you do not know the person. I had these fears before reading this post.
    You awarded me this lovely award and I could not write an acceptance post without knowing something about you and your blog.

    Imagine my surprise when I arrive to find a blog I am not sure I am able to read. I don’t think I have the courage. Then I realize what a load of garbage that is.. if Vic can do what she is doing every day with a purpose and agenda, knowing she is filling these hours up with how she wants is inspiring. Its also humbling. I have to read this whole blog now. I have even flagged it as a favorite. I have to be able to take both your hands in cyber space and pray with you, I knew the tears would come and they are here now. But its okay, they are tears to remind to live everyday as full as you can To rest when its time, and to always love. And the rest? Let Go Let God.

    Thank you Tersia for my award, but even more so thank you for writing yours and Vics story. The next time someone decided to have a pity party for one on my block I am sending them here to yours.

    God Blesses you both and I thank you~ BB

    hate to click “like” seems so imappripriate yet I did like your post. { shrugs shoulders }

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