I started wrapping Christmas gifts today. It is such a fun part of Christmas. Vic came and sat with me. Her face incredibly sad… “What’s wrong Baby?”
“My heart is hurting Mommy.”
“Vic there is nothing wrong with your heart? Do you have pain? What’s wrong?” I panicked.
Vic laughed …”No Mommy, my heart is sad. I think it is my last Christmas…”
“Baby, the doctors said you would not live to be 12 and you are still alive. You will beat this again….”
My little angel girl looked at me with so much sadness in her eyes…It broke my heart. In my heart I know she is right.
“Mom I am so lonely…”
“I know Baby.”
“Everybody has somebody – I miss having a partner, a soul mate…”
“I know Angel. I was on my own for a long time – remember?”
“Yes but now you have Dad. I will never have someone in my life again….” Vic said
I have no words for my child. Only tears and prayers….
I sense a loneliness of the heart in Vic. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be aware of the fact that you are facing your last months of life, planning your funeral….No matter what we do or say – this is Vic’s journey.
via This is Vic’s Journey.
C.S. Lewis says “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
For 37 years I have bargained with God. He alone knows of all my anguish, tears, pleading, my fears and pain. I am strong. I don’t cry easily or often. I have cried before God. Pleaded with Him for mercy.
He chose to ignore my pleas for mercy.
I have not been to Church in more than two years. I attended Marlene and then my Dad’s funeral. I went to one service at Reuben church. I have been angry with God….. Disappointed that the God of Mercy I learnt about from my parents’ knees does not exist. I have only experienced a God who has sentenced my child, and now my grandson, to a life of pain and suffering.
Today I attended the annual church fete. The arms that I have missed for more than 2 years enveloped me. Kisses rained on my cheeks. “I have missed you”, “We still pray for you and Vicky everyday of our lives”….. “It is so good to see you!”
The minister, Martin, hugged me and said “I think of you every day. We are always here for you….
I cried. I miss my church friends but I cannot go back for the wrong reasons.
I wondered tonight why the friendships did not last outside the confines of the church? I realized that our pain is too much for people to cope with. They hurt for me…..
But in the silence in our everyday lives is deafening…God’s megaphone has obviously not roused the deaf in our world…….