Five incredibly long years ago I finally had to let you go. I fought so hard for you. Just another year…another month…another week…another day… And then it was over.
You stopped breathing.
It was simply over.
The reason for my existence was gone. There was nothing to do. I washed you and dressed you and waited for the undertakers to fetch you.
They came and went. My heart broke all over again watching you leave home the very last time.
I made your made bed and had your room cleaned. And then I waited for the boys to arrive…
Oh dear God, the pain in their eyes… I don’t ever want to see it again.
I arranged your funeral. I did your eulogy. I cried myself to sleep and cried myself awake. I packed up your cupboards. I carried on with Hospice. I learnt to breathe without you.
Today it is 5 years. Where has time gone? I thought my heart would be healed by now but the pain is as much as 5 years ago. It is not so harsh. Pain has become a familiar companion. It goes to bed with me and wakes up with me.
I am filled with self-doubt all the time. Am I making a mess of the boys lives? Am I making the right decisions?
I constantly battle my emotions. I wake up with my hair drenched in tears. I fall asleep praying for the boys and those of us left behind. I spend my days smiling.
Oh sweetheart I would give anything to change places with you. I wish you could be with your boys. They miss you so much. I can never be a mother to them.
Some days this is too hard.