One year today


My precious child

Somehow 31,536,000 seconds or even 525,600 minutes makes far more sense than 8760 hours; 365 days; 52 weeks and one day or 1 year…

If feels as if a lifetime of sorrow has passed since you stopped breathing.  If feels as if it has been a lifetime since I held you in my arms.  It feels as if I have cried an ocean of tears.

In the past year I have aged.  I have gained weight. I have existed. A year ago my life ended.  The boys and I still burn candles for you.

I am still filled with rage.  I know you were born with Osteogenesis Imperfecta but doctor arrogance caused you so much pain, suffering and indignity.  I know that you would more than likely have died before me but perhaps with less suffering?

I will always miss you.  I will always remember your smile, your laugh, your bravery. I will never forget how you fought to live.

Today I want to thank you for my beautiful grandsons.  Thank you for remaining my little girl through-out your life.  Thank you for fighting for so long.  You were such a warrior!

I thank God that you came home to die.  I thank God that I had the privilege of caring for you.  I thank God that He entrusted me with something as pure and precious as you.

I am grateful that you are no longer fracturing vertebrae from vomiting.  As much as I miss your laugh I do not miss your pain filled tears.  I am grateful precious baby that your suffering is over.

I miss your company.  I miss our late night chats, drinking untold cups of tea/coffee.  I miss your text messages, your telephone calls, your shuffling footsteps down the passage…  the smell of smoke alerting me that you are awake and sitting on your step…

I miss the boys laughter.  I miss the joy that you brought into our lives.

We will continue to honour your memory – every day of our lives.  Your legacy will live on in each and every person that is allowed to live until they die with dignity.

I love you Angel Child with every fiber in my body.

Your Silent Dreams by April D. Parker
I held you as you were sleeping…
All the while I sat weeping….
Gazing at your beautiful features…
For you were one of God’s Creatures…

I loved you from the minute you existed to be…
Living inside me, Dreaming silently…
You were always a part of my life…
Even before you saw day-light…

Looking down at you, I kissed your warm little hand…
Knowing you had passed on to the Promised Land…
You, my sweet baby, are forever my Child…
The fact you were in my life makes it worth while…

Undeniably I have hope…
The thought of seeing you again allows my spirit to lift…
I thank God to have had what time I had with you…
Love and cherish you I shall always do…

look and don't touch_edited vicbaby Vic 5 years old100_7453 (2)Image (184) Image (191) Image (193) Image (214) Image (220)

25 thoughts on “One year today

  1. Oh my dear dear friend, my heart is full of pain for you today I wish I could take your pain away. You are strong, but today give yourself permission to be weak and give in to the sorrow and allow yourself to weep the loss of your beautiful daughter. Remember tears cleanse the soul for a little while and you need that, especially today. Love and big hugs.

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  2. Tersia – There is such searing pain, esp. at the first anniversary. How I wish I could ease your suffering but to love is to feel the intense pain of loss. May you be held gently today, surrounded by the love of your family and the ongoing presence and love of your daughter. Across the miles, sending gentle hugs. <3

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      1. You are most welcome. As a dear friend has said to me many times, “I hope you have the best kind of day you can have.” I hope today is one of those ‘not as searing’ days for you. <3

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  3. Memories are a gift from God for those left behind…my first year I slept most of the time because I would dream. In dreams I could see and be with my child; I sleep less today, but the grief lives within; you are in my prayers. I send hugs…Ann Johnson-Murphree

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    1. I was devastated when I read your blog. You carry so much pain, grief, scars…I am so sad for you. Thank you for reaching out to me despite your own grief. Hugs and gentle thoughts Ann.

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  4. Dearest Tersia, Somehow you made it through the first year. Such an achievement that is! I am very sad today. I wish I had met Vicky. She will always be in my heart and inspires me in my own life to be as unselfish as she was. I send you hugs and prayers for moments of peace during such an agonizing time. I remember well all that you were writing about one year ago as her death marched closer and closer. I cannot imagine what you went through. So, so sorry! xoxo

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  5. I’m so sorry for this loss. It’s hard to remember a child can die too. That yoru child died in suffering, makes it worse. I am here from Facebook and I havent’visited your blog before, but I wanted to say this post touched my heart. I’m really thinking of you.

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  6. What a tribute to LOVE, a bond that created three generations. I applaud you for taking on your daughter’s care and for being brave enough to walk into the suffering. LOVE was your powerful antidote and it will continue forever!

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