Tag: my child is dead

A Few After….. Revised


look and don't touch_editedA few minutes after her birth…..

I could hear her announcing scream.

I couldn’t believe she was finally here,

The realization of my dream.

A few hours after her birth…..

I held her so close to my chest.

Somehow that little girl let me see,

A special love that never left.25a

A few days after her birth…..

I held her tiny little hand.

I told her there would be lots of things

That I would help her to understand.

A few weeks after her birth…..

She had that sparkle in her eyes,

And when she showed me that little smile,

I thought that I would surely die.

A few months after her birth…..

She was just beginning to learn.

She didn’t like me to go away,

And she cried until I returned.

A few years after her birth……

I still couldn’t believe she was mine.

We talked and laughed and went for walks.

We had so many special times..

A few after…..

A few minutes after her death…..

I didn’t know I needed to scream.

I thought that she was still safe and here…

I didn’t know the truth of my dream.

A few hours after her death…..

I felt a strangeness within my chest.

Something was wrong that I couldn’t see.

God! I didn’t know that she had left.

A few days after her death…..

I held her cold and lifeless hand.

There were just so very many things

That I could not fully understand.

A few weeks after her death…..

That sparkle stolen from my eyes,

No longer to see her beautiful smile.

I never, ever thought that she would die.

A few months after her death…..

There was so much I needed to learn.

I was confused when she went away,

And I still waited for her return.

A year after her death…..

I still wish that she could be mine,

To talk and laugh and go for walks.

I miss those special moments in time.

A few after…..

A few minutes after MY death……

Once again I will hear her scream,

“Hey Mommy, it’s me, I’m over here,

And Mommy, this time it’s not a dream.”

A few hours after MY death…….

I’ll hold her close again to my chest.

She’ll look at me and say… “Now see?”

It doesn’t seem so long since I left.”

A few days after MY death…..

She will gently take me by the hand,

And show me all the glorious things,

And help me to understand.

A few weeks after MY death…..

I’ll see that sparkle in her eyes.

Once again she’ll warm me with her smile,

And say… “You see, Mommy, I didn’t die”.

A few months after MY death…….

Together we’ll have so much to learn.

We’ll never have to go away,

Or long for each other’s return.

A few years after MY death…..

Forever she will always be mine.

We’ll talk and laugh and go for long walks,

Because we’ll have nothing…… but time.

~ by Christine Ross in memory of Lucas Christopher Ross 1979 – 2001 © 2003 – Christine Ross revised 2007

Another birthday…..one year ago


Yesterday I celebrated (another) birthday.

Late Saturday night Vic’s restlessness was indicative that she was determined to be the first to wish me.  At 11.30 pm she came through and said “another half hour….. I want to be the first to wish you Mommy.  I just want 30 minutes alone with you on your birthday…”

“No problem angel.  I’ll switch the kettle on.” I said

“I will be back in a minute” she said

I made coffee and checked some e-mails.  At 12:00pm I expected her to come through singing “Happy Birthday” but no Vicky….

I went through to her room and the poor baby had fallen asleep on her bed…

Alberton-20121013-01084

Jon-Daniel came through and brought me a cup of tea on a tray, with a gift and card and a rose!  “Happy birthday Oumie” he said.

He had bought a book I have wanted to read for a while “The Elephant Whisperer” – It is an inspiring, true life drama of a herd of wild African elephants on an African game reserve. The herd is destined to be shot for dangerous behaviour when this special human being, Anthony, intervenes to try to save their lives.  I was so thrilled that he remembered.

Just before 01:00 am Vic shuffled into my TV lounge.

“Oh Mommy, I am so sorry I fell asleep.  I thought I would just close my eyes for 5 minutes whilst you make the coffee…”

We sat and chatted for a while.  Vic shared her good wishes with me and we just sat and spoke.  We spoke about our very special mother-daughter relationship.  We spoke about years gone by and how blessed we are to have this time together. (I cannot imagine Vic married and living in someone else’s home on her final journey.)

The girls, Esther and Lani, arrived at 10:00am with gifts, a cooked meal, dessert and cake.  The grandchildren set the table…  My sister Lorraine and dear friend Judy arrived bearing armloads of gifts.  The grandchildren had written me letters and cards – it was so special.  Vic bravely cooked a pot of rice and had lunch with the family.  All the grandchildren swam and played tug-a-war!   We laughed and joked.

It was a perfect day.

Jared♡ĶįƦƧƳ.Ș♡(1)

Esther and Lani planned the day to start early whilst Vic is at her best.  As the day progresses so her energy levels decrease.  Immediately after lunch Vic went to bed.  She was in so much pain and absolutely exhausted.

All the grandchildren wanted to stay.

Sunday evening we Skyped my son and his family in the UK.  Vic and Danie spoke.  Vic and Danie Jnr have a special bond.

DSC00230 IMG_8782

Twenty two years ago I married Danie Sr and his four children; Esther 23, Lani 18, Liza 16 and Danie 11…  Danie married me and one, sick, very protected, spoilt brat, Vicky, aged 16.  Vic and Danie Jnr were the two kids who lived with us.  Vic embraced her new family.  (I was petrified of the children!)

Vic’s siblings have been amazing over the years.  I could never have coped as well as I do if it was not for their love, support and encouragement.  The siblings are fiercely protective of their little sister.

Vic and Danie Jnr spoke for at least 10 minutes last night.  It was a sad conversation between a brother and his older, little sister.

“I miss you so much Little Brother” Vic said

“I miss you too Vic.  How are you feeling?”  Jnr asked

“I am battling Boetie (Little Brother) Vic said

“We are coming to visit in April then I will see you Vic”

“I don’t know if I am going to make it to April” Vic said

“Just hang in there Vic.  It is not that long to April…” Jnr consoled her

“I know but I am tired.  I am just missing you” Vic cried

“I will fly over for a weekend.  I want to see you again” Danie promised

Vic was so tired last night.  Her little body cannot handle parties anymore.  She tries so hard.  This weekend we will have Jared’s 16th birthday.  It is only his birthday on the 26th but most of his friends are away for Christmas so we have his friend party an early in December.

I know this will more than likely be another last for Vic.

What am I doing?


This is one of the most heart wrenching posts I have read in a long time.  I read a lot of blogs written by grieving mothers.  Why did this post affect me to this extent?   I don’t know.  Maybe because this mother’s grief feels as real as my own grief.  Maybe it is because I am doing the same.  Writing and desperately trying to keep my Vic alive…hugs and tears Gatito.

My Bright Shining Star

What am I doing Kaitlyn? What am I trying to do by my endless blogs about you, the photo albums, the posts on Facebook, the printed out version of my blog, the printed out comments by your friends after you died on your Facebook, in my private messages and by email, the posts I made on Student Doctor Network warning them of what could so easily happen if they don’t heed the warning within them of depression, for posting about you In the off topic sections of forums I belong to that are about motorcycles, RVing, and cats. Posting on suicide survivor forums. Posting every video and song that remotely has to do with what you were and I am going through. Making DVD slides of you. Going through all you music CDs, going through all your recent things, old things, things I put up long ago, things that are…

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