Len Carver is a dear WordPress friend who beautifully and accurately articulates my emotions and life in this post… She is however writing about her own pain filled life after losing her precious Klysta.

I tried to read this to someone this morning and was met with a barrage of “it is your choice not to get on with your life…”  All I wanted to demonstrate is that I am not the only person in the world battling to cope with the death of a child.  A mothers grief is intense and scary.

So today I wish to say to the world – If you have never lost a child you will NEVER understand.  You can and will NEVER have compassion.  If you have never experienced an emotion – how can you understand it?

Losing a child is a pain that no parent should ever experience.  It is an emptiness that you cannot understand from the outside.

I get so angry with fake people.  Don’t pretend you care.  Don’t pretend to understand.  Leave me be with my grief.  Live your life – I will live mine.

It is MY CHILD who died.  I am the childless one.  Carry on with your happy life.

Reading this I recognise my anger.  I am angry.  I am angry that I have to send up lanterns for my dead child, and you get to hold yours. I am angry for the sadness in my grandsons eyes.  I am angry that your lack of understanding deprives me the privilege of GRIEVING for my child.  I am so tired of having to put up a HAPPY face.

I am not happy.  I am terribly sad.  Get used to the idea.  It will never change unless you can bring back my child…. So, I will grieve for my child in 2014.  I will grieve for her until the second I die.

Respect my love for my child enough to allow this.  Thank you Len for your beautiful post.

Happy New Year all…

Lanterns to heaven
Lanterns to heaven

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Our life is full of numbers, our birth date, the birthdays that follow, school days, wedding day, then anniversaries or divorce dates, children’ birthdays, graduations, marriages, grandchildren, and all the numbered days in between, even our days on earth are numbered.
Today marks two years, ten months and ten days since my daughters death, February 19, 2011. I don’t know whether to count from that day as the day my heart broke or if it is broken further everyday since that horrid phone call, or is it the day my sanity was lost.
Today Dec. 29, 2013 I am so freaking angry, sad and lonely. I want to curse and drink and act out to relieve the anger, the anger at losing Klysta, anger that my life changed so dramatically that day. Nothing and I mean nothing in my life has been right since.
I am tumbling, spiraling into depression…

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I am a sixty plenty wife, mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.

5 thoughts on “NUMBERS”

  1. You’re right…unless one has walked in similar shoes, they will not be able to understand what it’s like to lose a child. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I try to remind myself that I’m glad they haven’t had to gain such terrible understanding by losing a child…while wishing people would have a bit more kindness and empathy for those who really know what it’s like. Hugs…


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