5 years …


Five incredibly long years ago I finally had to let you go.  I fought so hard for you.  Just another year…another month…another week…another day…  And then it was over.

You stopped breathing.

It was simply over.

The reason for my existence was gone.  There was nothing to do.  I washed you and dressed you and waited for the undertakers to fetch you.

They came and went.  My heart broke all over again watching you leave home the very last time.

I made your made bed and had your room cleaned.  And then I waited for the boys to arrive…

Oh dear God, the pain in their eyes…  I don’t ever want to see it again.

I arranged your funeral.  I did your eulogy.  I cried myself to sleep and cried myself awake.  I packed up your cupboards.  I carried on with Hospice.  I learnt to breathe without you.

Today it is 5 years.  Where has time gone?  I thought my heart would be healed by now but the pain is as much as 5 years ago.  It is not so harsh.  Pain has become a familiar companion.  It goes to bed with me and wakes up with me.

I am filled with self-doubt all the time.  Am I making a mess of the boys lives?  Am I making the right decisions?

I constantly battle my emotions.  I wake up with my hair drenched in tears.  I fall asleep praying for the boys and those of us left behind.  I spend my days smiling.

Oh sweetheart I would give anything to change places with you.  I wish you could be with your boys.  They miss you so much.  I can never be a mother to them.

Some days this is too hard.

Published by

tersiaburger

I am a sixty something wife,mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com

5 thoughts on “5 years …”

  1. I can hardly believe it has been five years, Tersia. I’m thinking of you because I know it’s such a long road with grief. Forever you will miss Vic and I hope your grief has slowly been easing over time. Love never changes, but the pain can be less sharp. I pray it is easier for you. She is with you always.

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  2. I am so sorry. What can I say? I don’t think many of us are given so hard an endurance test . I don’t know if Vic is watching you, though I do believe so. One thing I do know, is that you will be doing much better at being a substitute mother to Vic’s boys than you believe.

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  3. Tersia my friend the pain seems to intensify as the years pass doesn’t it? My friend know my tears are for your pain as well as my own and for every mother in this grieving club. Feel my heart and arms around you giving you strength.

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  4. Oh Tersia – your grief is still so palpable and I can’t even pretend to understand what it would be like to lose your beautiful child. But I do understand grief as it has me in its grip atm and my depression is off the scale. However, what you have done with Stepping Stones inspires me to do something practical and good. Sending much love to you all xxx

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  5. I am sad for you and the boys on the very sad anniversary. Your words have touched my heart deeply, as always. I pray you are surrounded by God’s angels and always in His peace. God bless you and the boys.

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