Vic’s arm is very painful. The antibiotics have not started working yet. Dr Sue will come and see her tomorrow morning, and we will then decide whether it warrants hospitalization. Obviously Vic need intravenous antibiotics and her tissue is too poor….
Tonight Vic had one of her worst vomiting spells yet. It happened after 02:00am and her dinner of 7.30pm had not digested yet. It is obvious that the oral antibiotics are not being absorbed.
Vic was very tired today, but insisted on going with Jon-Daniel to the orthodontist. In years to come will he remember that his mommy was with him when he heard his orthodontic treatment ends on the 1st of February at 09:15am?
My sister phoned tonight. She categorically told me that I have no business injecting Vic. Nurses go to College for 4 or 5 years so they know what they are doing…. I did not even bother to explain that it is the Hospice site that is bad… My two sites are only in the beginning stages of going septic… I wonder whether she remembered that Vic has sepsis in her spine and abdomen…
The pethidine has kicked in. My child is in a pain-free sleep. I will now try to sleep. Tomorrow may be a rough day.
It is 12:42am and Vic is sleeping peacefully. She had a “good” day. In between her naps she had lunch with a friend, a visit from Esther and a walk in the garden with Jared!
Vic’s legs are growing very weak. The cellulitis on her arm has worsened despite the antibiotics. It is now oozing pus. Sr Siza will see her tomorrow, and I believe Vic will have to go onto IV antibiotics. She had a violent vomiting spell just after she took her antibiotic tablets tonight. It is very difficult for her to keep tablets and food down. Despite the six-hourly anti-nausea injections she has…. And of course there is the problem of the poor absorption.
“I can’t do this anymore…” Vic mumbled to herself tonight after the vomiting episode.
The situation is getting to Danie. My poor husband tries so hard to be strong and make life easier for the rest of us. Jared and Jon-Daniel are deeply conscious of the situation.
“Life will be horrible without Mommy” Jared said today. “She takes so much of our time, and such a big space in our lives…. Mommy has such a presence Oumie…”
We spoke about his little brother and Jon-Daniel’s inability and aversion to discuss his emotions.
I realised that the boys are already starting to dread the void Vic’s passing will leave. Anticipatory grief is a killer. It is unfair that these two beautiful boys have to experience so much pain and hardship in their young lives. They should be riding their bikes and getting up to mischief. Now they are stressed out because their mother is dying.
I am too tired to write anything that makes sense. I just need to record today. I never want to forget today.
I want to remember how I felt when I lay with my child this afternoon. I want to remember her tears when she spoke to her sister. I want to remember the smell of her vomit. Maybe it will make it easier to accept later on.