Vic is very restless and agitated.  Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier.  It would be a wonderful solution.  Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever.  She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family.  Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”

“Oh…” she said.  “Why not?  I think I will…”

We laughed.

In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.

Last night was very difficult.  The Pethidine makes her hyper.  She fights sleep at night!  Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.

Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight.  “Don’t leave me Daddy!  Please don’t leave me!!!  I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!

“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try and get out of bed, so she can stay awake!

In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed.  She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”

I know she is confused at times.  I will not allow these words to haunt me later.  She “sees” people.  She babbles non-stop.

The weight is falling off her.  Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like.  Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish.  My poor baby is starving to death!  She has absolutely no appetite.  I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.

Esther and Leon came to visit today.  Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic.  I know she said her goodbyes today.  I could see that they had spoken to their boys.  Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.

Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic.  I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated.  “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie.  It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”

Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family?  How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit?  Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?

I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine.  But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”.  I will never go back on my word.

I am babbling.

Vic is very restless and agitated.  Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier.  It would be a wonderful solution.  Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever.  She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family.  Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”

“Oh…” she said.  “Why not?  I think I will…”

We laughed.

In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.

Last night was very difficult.  The Pethidine makes her hyper.  She fights sleep at night!  Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.

Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight.  “Don’t leave me Daddy!  Please don’t leave me!!!  I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!

“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try to get out of bed so she can stay awake!

In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed.  She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”

I know she is confused at times.  I will not allow these words to haunt me later.  She “sees” people.  She babbles non-stop.

The weight is falling off her.  Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like.  Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish.  My poor baby is starving to death!  She has absolutely no appetite.  I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.

Esther and Leon came to visit today.  Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic.  I know she said her goodbyes today.  I could see that they had spoken to their boys.  Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.

Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic.  I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated.  “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie.  It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”

Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family?  How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit?  Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?

I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine.  But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”.  I will never go back on my word.

I am babbling.

” Sometimes the pain’s too strong to bear…and life gets so hard you just don’t care.  You feel so alone you just sit and cry…every second you wish you could die.”