Quiet waters of peace


Lead me to the quiet waters of peace
Lead me to the quiet waters of peace

Vic is very restless and agitated.  Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier.  It would be a wonderful solution.  Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever.  She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family.  Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”

“Oh…” she said.  “Why not?  I think I will…”

We laughed.

In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.

Last night was very difficult.  The Pethidine makes her hyper.  She fights sleep at night!  Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.

Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight.  “Don’t leave me Daddy!  Please don’t leave me!!!  I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!

“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try and get out of bed, so she can stay awake!

In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed.  She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”

I know she is confused at times.  I will not allow these words to haunt me later.  She “sees” people.  She babbles non-stop.

The weight is falling off her.  Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like.  Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish.  My poor baby is starving to death!  She has absolutely no appetite.  I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.

Esther and Leon came to visit today.  Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic.  I know she said her goodbyes today.  I could see that they had spoken to their boys.  Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.

Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic.  I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated.  “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie.  It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”

Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family?  How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit?  Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?

I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine.  But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”.  I will never go back on my word.

I am babbling.

Vic is very restless and agitated.  Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier.  It would be a wonderful solution.  Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever.  She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family.  Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”

“Oh…” she said.  “Why not?  I think I will…”

We laughed.

In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.

Last night was very difficult.  The Pethidine makes her hyper.  She fights sleep at night!  Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.

Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight.  “Don’t leave me Daddy!  Please don’t leave me!!!  I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!

“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try to get out of bed so she can stay awake!

In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed.  She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”

I know she is confused at times.  I will not allow these words to haunt me later.  She “sees” people.  She babbles non-stop.

The weight is falling off her.  Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like.  Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish.  My poor baby is starving to death!  She has absolutely no appetite.  I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.

Esther and Leon came to visit today.  Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic.  I know she said her goodbyes today.  I could see that they had spoken to their boys.  Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.

Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic.  I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated.  “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie.  It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”

Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family?  How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit?  Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?

I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine.  But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”.  I will never go back on my word.

I am babbling.

” Sometimes the pain’s too strong to bear…and life gets so hard you just don’t care.  You feel so alone you just sit and cry…every second you wish you could die.”  

 

 

Published by

tersiaburger

I am a sixty something wife,mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com

15 thoughts on “Quiet waters of peace”

  1. Dear friend, you are dong wonders for your whole family… have you talked to the boys about what they would choose to do – stay or go? You cannot bear everyone’s suffering, not even Vic’s..
    Only she can make her decision…blessings to you

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    1. I don’t even know what to write to you. You are in the depths of hell dealing with the ugliness of death. You carry the weight of the world upon your shoulders and now you can barely breathe. You are dying inside along with your daughter. You are taking on VIc’s pain; you are so worried about her sons and everyone else around her. It is too much! I wish I could think of something to help you. Let the hospice team help you now; relinquish being in charge and let go of taking on responsibility for what is happening. There is no control. Like a car that is about to crash – careening toward impact; you want to brace yourself. Terisa, take a deep breath and close your eyes. Peace is ahead.

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  2. if only this could be taken out of your hands, in so many ways it truly is, out of your hands. you can not take care of everyone, the boys and vic are your obvious priority so start there. who do you put first? if you put the boys first, they are only boys and need some protection, vic would want that. vic will be out of her pain and she would want you all to be ok. don’t forget that. she loves you and she would want you to put her boys first. so please think and just let your mind go to where it needs to. the answer is there. whatever you decide will be the best decision you can make under these circumstances. keep babbling, atleast here, we can listen.

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  3. This post brought tears to my eyes, Vic’s body might be weakening every hour but she obviously loves life and her family too much to just give up the fight. The strength of the human spirit is truly amazing. I am so sorry that her determination to live makes life so difficult for her and you and the family but so many would have given up long ago had they endured half of what Vic has. Love never dies – strength to you all.

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  4. I am thankful that her mind is clear, though its hard to have her so frightened. Perhaps giving her a page on this blog where she can post all her pictures might put her more at peace? I know it’s easier for me to sleep if I feel like I’ve been productive, and an online scrapbook could be a great thing to leave behind for her loved ones and the world. Just an idea. I’m praying for you all.

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