Thank you God 17.12.2012 – One year ago


Thank you God

I just finished a batch of choc-chip cookies.  The house is quiet and sweet smell of the biscuits has permeated the air.  The Christmas tree lights are flicking and the first batch of gifts beautifully wrapped.  It is the season of Christmas. Two weeks ago I despaired that Vic would not live to see Christmas. Dr Sue came and saw Vic this morning.  She lanced the cellulitis abscess on Vic’s arm.  My baby girl was so brave!! Sue told us of a young man who came to see her in her rooms with a small abscess in his face.   He cried with pain.  Sue told Vic what a brave person she is…I was so proud of my little girl. Vic’s heart and pulse rate is very elevated.  She has a kidney infection.  Kidney infections make her tired. I just checked on Vic, and she is sleeping so peacefully.  She has a serene expression on her beautiful face, and she is truly pain-free tonight. Sitting here I am counting my blessings. My baby girl is home.  I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it would have been if Vic lived elsewhere or if she was married or involved.  I can now care for my child without having to consider my “position” in her life.  I am able to be her mommy and take care of her. The boys are settled and happy living with us.  We love having them so close to us.  They are such well-behaved, kind and helpful boys!  Before Vic moved home the boys, mainly Jared, had to cook most days.  Now they are able to be children. Life has settled into an easy routine.  We have laughter and fun.  We cry and despair.  We hug.  We talk and constantly affirm our love for one another. Vic is spending a lot of time with her boys – talking.  She helped with the preparations for Jared’s 16th birthday party.  Vic passed me the spices when I baked this year’s Christmas cakes.  We laughed when we decided the cake needed another “splash of brandy”.  Vic “chose” her Christmas Cake. My wonderful husband is such an amazing person.  He is my rock and pillar.  He loves and protects us. I am happy and content with our lives. Thank you God for this time of closeness.  

Vic is sleeping peacefully


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It is 12:42am and Vic is sleeping peacefully.  She had a “good” day. In between her naps she had lunch with a friend, a visit from Esther and a walk in the garden with Jared!

Vic’s legs are growing very weak.  The cellulitis on her arm has worsened despite the antibiotics.  It is now oozing pus.  Sr Siza will see her tomorrow, and I believe Vic will have to go onto IV antibiotics.  She had a violent vomiting spell just after she took her antibiotic tablets tonight.  It is very difficult for her to keep tablets and food down.  Despite the six-hourly anti-nausea injections she has….  And of course there is the problem of the poor absorption.

“I can’t do this anymore…” Vic mumbled to herself tonight after the vomiting episode.

The situation is getting to Danie.  My poor husband tries so hard to be strong and make life easier for the rest of us.  Jared and Jon-Daniel are deeply conscious of the situation.

“Life will be horrible without Mommy” Jared said today.  “She takes so much of our time, and such a big space in our lives….  Mommy has such a presence Oumie…”

We spoke about his little brother and Jon-Daniel’s inability and aversion to discuss his emotions.

I realised that the boys are already starting to dread the void Vic’s passing will leave.  Anticipatory grief is a killer.  It is unfair that these two beautiful boys have to experience so much pain and hardship in their young lives.  They should be riding their bikes and getting up to mischief.  Now they are stressed out because their mother is dying.

I am too tired to write anything that makes sense.  I just need to record today.  I never want to forget today.

I want to remember how I felt when I lay with my child this afternoon.  I want to remember her tears when she spoke to her sister.  I want to remember the smell of her vomit.  Maybe it will make it easier to accept later on.