Vic proudly pregnant with Jon-Daniel
Vic proudly pregnant with Jon-Daniel

Oh God, I am drowning again.  I pray that I will go to bed tonight and never wake up.  I know it I stupid because it would kill the boys and cause others that love me so much pain, but I cannot face life without my child.

I was looking at posts on “The Grieving Parent”, a Bereavement Facebook page for parents (https://www.facebook.com/TheGrievingParent ) and it just made me feel so inadequate and weak.  Bereaved parents speak of the healing they have experienced….I don’t know whether I ever will heal.  Tonight, like yesterday and the 82 days before tonight, I fear that my life is over.

All parents love their children.  Some have a closer bond than others.  The mother /child relationship is the closest relationship anyone will ever find.  There is a bond between a mother and child that cannot be broken or destroyed.

Vic’s death cannot “remove” her from my life.  My love for her is never-ending and all-enduring.  For 9 months I nurtured her in my womb. For 38 years I nurtured her in life.  My life revolved around Vic.

Did we have a perfect relationship of never arguing, fighting or being angry with one another?  Hell no!!  We went through the different stages as all mothers and daughters do.

As a toddler and pre-teen Vic loved me with unshakeable conviction.  By the time she entered her teens we reached the stage where we disliked one another…  We always loved one another, but we certainly disliked one another at certain stages of our lives.  It was a tumultuous swing in our lives…

Vic was extremely headstrong!  She wanted to go to boarding school and that she did…She married early in life, against our wishes…Not because we disliked Colin but because she was too young.  Vic got married 6 months after her 21st birthday.  Six weeks later she fell pregnant against ALL doctors advice.  She had two children at the risk of losing her own life and passing on the Osteogenesis Imperfecta disease and/or gene.

Vic also refused to die.  Vic refused to be “sick”.  She got dressed into normal day-clothes every day of her life.  She refused to hand over the responsibility of her children’s upbringing to anyone regardless of how ill she was.

Vic did what she did when she wanted to.  If she believed in something she would defy anyone and everyone.  She was driven by her need to grow up and live her life to the full.  The relationship shift from child to adult was very difficult for me to accept.

Our relationship changed after Vic had the boys.  Maybe because then there was a greater level of understanding, by Vic, of the enormity of the responsibility that a mother has to her child…..

Vic was not a saint.  She was a difficult teenager and a fiercely independent young woman. Yet our mother-daughter relationship was ultimately fulfilling. I was certainly not the perfect mother.  I failed Vic on many levels.  We were so different that we found it difficult to understand one another’s choices and needs.

Despite conflicts and complicated emotions, Vic and I loved one another unconditionally.  We complemented one another perfectly.  Vic so often said “God knew what He was doing when He put us together….We are such a good team!”

I am grateful for the time we spent together.  I wish I had spent less time working and more time playing…I wish I had been less concerned about Vic’s financial care.  I wish I had been there when she took her first steps…I got the hospital time.  Her healthy time I spent working – playing catch-up for her hospital time… I wish Vic had grown up in a home with a mommy and a daddy…

In her later life Vic became a child again.  She was totally dependent upon me.  I did not have to “compete” with a spouse to take care of her.  In the final months of Vic’s life she had panic attacks when I was away from her.  In a weird, sick way my life was perfect.  My baby was home.  I could love and nurture her…

I wish we had more time…

Vic writing the boys final letters six days before her death.
Vic writing the boys final letters six days before her death.

In the final days of her life Vic cried “I want to live.  Mommy I don’t want to die… If only I could live for one more year…”

I would give everything I own; every second of my remaining life; everything I love and cherish for Vic to have lived just one more year.