Oh God, I am drowning again. I pray that I will go to bed tonight and never wake up. I know it I stupid because it would kill the boys and cause others that love me so much pain, but I cannot face life without my child.
I was looking at posts on “The Grieving Parent”, a Bereavement Facebook page for parents (https://www.facebook.com/TheGrievingParent ) and it just made me feel so inadequate and weak. Bereaved parents speak of the healing they have experienced….I don’t know whether I ever will heal. Tonight, like yesterday and the 82 days before tonight, I fear that my life is over.
All parents love their children. Some have a closer bond than others. The mother /child relationship is the closest relationship anyone will ever find. There is a bond between a mother and child that cannot be broken or destroyed.
Vic’s death cannot “remove” her from my life. My love for her is never-ending and all-enduring. For 9 months I nurtured her in my womb. For 38 years I nurtured her in life. My life revolved around Vic.
Did we have a perfect relationship of never arguing, fighting or being angry with one another? Hell no!! We went through the different stages as all mothers and daughters do.
As a toddler and pre-teen Vic loved me with unshakeable conviction. By the time she entered her teens we reached the stage where we disliked one another… We always loved one another, but we certainly disliked one another at certain stages of our lives. It was a tumultuous swing in our lives…
Vic was extremely headstrong! She wanted to go to boarding school and that she did…She married early in life, against our wishes…Not because we disliked Colin but because she was too young. Vic got married 6 months after her 21st birthday. Six weeks later she fell pregnant against ALL doctors advice. She had two children at the risk of losing her own life and passing on the Osteogenesis Imperfecta disease and/or gene.
Vic also refused to die. Vic refused to be “sick”. She got dressed into normal day-clothes every day of her life. She refused to hand over the responsibility of her children’s upbringing to anyone regardless of how ill she was.
Vic did what she did when she wanted to. If she believed in something she would defy anyone and everyone. She was driven by her need to grow up and live her life to the full. The relationship shift from child to adult was very difficult for me to accept.
Our relationship changed after Vic had the boys. Maybe because then there was a greater level of understanding, by Vic, of the enormity of the responsibility that a mother has to her child…..
Vic was not a saint. She was a difficult teenager and a fiercely independent young woman. Yet our mother-daughter relationship was ultimately fulfilling. I was certainly not the perfect mother. I failed Vic on many levels. We were so different that we found it difficult to understand one another’s choices and needs.
Despite conflicts and complicated emotions, Vic and I loved one another unconditionally. We complemented one another perfectly. Vic so often said “God knew what He was doing when He put us together….We are such a good team!”
I am grateful for the time we spent together. I wish I had spent less time working and more time playing…I wish I had been less concerned about Vic’s financial care. I wish I had been there when she took her first steps…I got the hospital time. Her healthy time I spent working – playing catch-up for her hospital time… I wish Vic had grown up in a home with a mommy and a daddy…
In her later life Vic became a child again. She was totally dependent upon me. I did not have to “compete” with a spouse to take care of her. In the final months of Vic’s life she had panic attacks when I was away from her. In a weird, sick way my life was perfect. My baby was home. I could love and nurture her…
I wish we had more time…
In the final days of her life Vic cried “I want to live. Mommy I don’t want to die… If only I could live for one more year…”
I would give everything I own; every second of my remaining life; everything I love and cherish for Vic to have lived just one more year.
Vic's Final Journey 
I’m heart goes out to you, please don’t be hard on yourself and compare yourself to others. Everyone grieves in their own way for their own amount of time. It really hasn’t been very long. Sending hugs to today. xo
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Thank you for being so kind.
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Sorry about the typo, i was drugged for dental work yesterday.
I truly hold you in my heart. :)
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Please keep writing. Your honest and beautiful memories of your daughter are very moving. Hopefully the writing serves as a healthy outlet for all of the emotions you are experiencing at this difficult time.
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It is healing. I started blogging because I did not want to ever forget how hard Vic’s life was and how terrible her suffering. I knew I would have to read it again to remember why I prayed for my child to die. Thank you for your kind words.
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Tersia, I read your words before Vic died and knew that your grief and sorry would be unending. I remember my comment that you were nearing a waterfall to plunge into grief as you gripped onto your beautiful daughter. I do not like to compare grief. But your situation warrants certain understanding and extraordinary compassion because your life was intertwined with your daughter deeply as a result of her illness. You devoted 38 years to her life, sacrificing your own life in order to keep her going. That kind of devotion leaves an empty hole that is too huge for anyone to imagine. I befriended a mother who lost her 29 year old daughter to Marfan’s syndrome and it taught me a lot watching her endure a similar loss. I had Jason 5 years and of course, wish he had lived longer. There is no good death – but in your case, I cannnot imagine the emptiness you must be feeling. Every moment of your day revolved around Vic dying and that is something you cannot adjust to suddenly.
I wish I knew something to say that could ease your anguish. It hardly matters to imaging healing when you are bleeding. Right now all you can do is just breathe. That’s all. I cry for you.
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Hi Judy, I am trying to write about my first session with the Hospice psychiatrist. I should just repost your comment dear friend. You are wise. Thank you for caring.
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Unbearable.
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Tersia please please do not feel like your ‘not’ grieving properly or in the ‘right’ stage of grieving!!! there is no step by step process, your grief , your pain, agony and lonliness cannot be determined by anyone but you and God. the loss of a child is the worst kind of loss any mother can ever go through and it is not ever going to be any better than it is right now at this moment, whether your laughing, crying , screaming or hidden in a fetal position under the covers of your bed, because that hurt, that pain is all ways going to be there at some degree or level for the rest of your life. Just please don’t beat yourself up just grieve the way you need to, when you need to. stay strong for Vics boys they need you and will continue to need you. It is hard when you need a strong shoulder to lean on and there is no one, I know this too but you can get better it will just have to be in your time and Gods. I will continue to pray for your strength and for comfort. Know that I am here for you and most of all the Lord will help you just call on HIm. Love and hugs~~Len
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Thank you for your words of wisdom, advice and kindness. It never ceases to amaze me that people take the time to read my blog and offer kindless, love and advice. Thank you Len!!!
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:)
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please try not to compare your grief process to other’s. you are not weak, you are heart broken. though time will give you the distance needed to bear this easier, you will always (in my opinion) experience some level of grief.
my heart breaks for you and wish i could wrap you in the arms of peace.
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Thank you dear friend!!!!!
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Tersia, each and every one of your posts is moving, heart-wrenching and brings me to tears. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you so much for visiting and taking the time to comment.
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Tersia you gave your all for your daughter and her children. You have no reason to be hard on yourself – life takes hard turns and we are not always prepared to deal with them. You handled Vic’s illness much better than I could and I am so proud to have found your web site through your words you have given me strength to continue the challenge in my son’s death so my fndings may help another parent through similar difficulty. You certainly have helped me in dealing with grief.
God bless.
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Ahhhh – I think you are the brave one. You are fighting for justice and I admire your tenacity. Your words of advice and your kindness have helped me so much! Thank you dear friend!
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Dear Tersia,
It is just know that I come to realize your great loss. I offer my deep condolences. As some of the other bloggers have expressed grieving is a very private thing and the process or stages are something that you will learn to control. Believe me when I tell you it does get better. It will never make sense. A mother will never understand why her child passed before her. But you have been so eloquent and you may not know it but you have probably helped hundreds of people begin to understand death and loss. Your amazing strength has help to soothe the pain of others. So I pray that each day becomes more bearable. In the meantime my prayers go out to you and your family.
Melba Christie
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Thank you so much Melba for your encouraging words and prayers. Hugs
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You are so masterfully expressing emotions needing to be said. Needing to be heard, I am constantly in awe of you tersia. you take my breath away as a mother, & a grandmother. Your words are beautiful. ~
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dear Tersia…hugs and love petals…keep expressing your feelings…i send you hope…I marvel at your description of your daughter…she continued to seek to live…courageous—and where did she get that gene?
it has been 3 years since my Mom died…and i still have tears….time…time …time and love petaled hugs for you!
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