100 days of searing pain….


Does time really heal all wounds? Mothers who have lost  a child to death assure us that “it will get better.” Friends and loved ones have started telling me that “it is time to get over it and get on with life.”

Researchers say that a mother never ceases mourning the death of her child. I believe this finding.

In those immediate hours, after my precious child’s death, time stopped.  My life ground to a halt.

At Vic’s Memorial Service I was amazed that people rushed off after the service and tea to meetings, to pick up children from school…I remember thinking that everyone had already moved on…

I stood next to the hearse not wanting it to leave.  I rested my hand on the wood of the casket…I wanted to pull my child out of that darn coffin and wrap her in my arms.  I was not ready to say goodbye.

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Today it is 100 days filled with searing pain and longing since Vic left home for the last time.

I have begun to mark time differently.  I count the number of days, weeks and months that I have mourned and missed my child. 

I know that every day that passes is one day closer to me being with my beloved child again.  I know that Vic’s suffering is over; I know that it is for the best that Vic’s dreadful pain filled life is over…. It does not make my mourning less.

So today I am burning candles for my child.  I am praying that my child is at peace.  I am praying for grace to endure this longing.  I pray that I will have the strength to continue honouring Vic’s memory….

I pray that I will be worthy of the trust she put in me to look after her precious boys.

On the surface it appears as if the boys are coping well.  I heard a comment from a teacher this week saying that, despite the trauma they went through with Vic’s death this year, they are actually doing better than last year.

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It was so difficult watching her suffering!

So today, once again, I say “Rest in Peace my beautiful Angel Child”

 

9 thoughts on “100 days of searing pain….

  1. I’m not one to believe that time heals wounds. I’m stunned that people would actually tell you to move on. I would imagine that you are also grieving the years that you watched her suffer, while she was here, you wouldn’t have had much time to think about it. Sending warm hugs your way today xo

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  2. I LAUGHED AS I SAT THERE CHATTING WITH VISITORS
    INSIDE I AM SCREAMING GO PLEASE JUST GO AWAY
    I WANT TO BE ALONE, CRY AND SCREAM AND PRAY

    NO ONE TO TALK TO THAT KNEW YOU
    OR THOSE THAT SAY IT’S OK YOU’LL GET OVER IT

    NO, NO, YOU DON’T EVER I’M NOT STUPID I KNOW
    YOUR JUST TRYING TO PACIFY ME, PAT MY SHOULDER
    PHONY HUGS

    HEAVY HEART, HEAVY, HEAVY PHYSICAL BODY, LORD THE
    SADNESS IN MY HEART
    I LAUGH… I SMILE, I CHAT, LOOK INTO MY EYES DO YOU SEE
    THE TEARS, THE SADNESS, THE DEAD SOUL.

    YOU SEE WHAT YOU WANT, WHATS EASY FOR YOU TO DO OR SAY
    TOO AFRAID TOO BUSY TO REALLY SEE WHO I AM NOW OR WHAT I NEED

    12 WEEKS HAVE PASSED NO ONE SAYS YOUR NAME TO ME
    JUST REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES THATS WHAT THEY SAY WHEN
    I WANT TO SPEAK YOUR NAME.

    I AM SO ALONE IN MY GRIEF , I AM SO TIRED IN MY GRIEF..
    I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOU. COPYRIGHT LWC
    ******** *********
    Tersia, it will NEVER “get better” only your coping will get better, those that tell you to “move on or get on with life” have never suffered as you have and will continue the rest of your life doing so. Your norms are no longer the norms of other parents and will never be again. I don’t know why, we the mothers that have lost a child, must walk this path I guess we are the chosen ones, maybe God thinks we are strong enough to handle it, I just don’t know. I do know that you are not alone there are so many of us out here with our rarely real smiles anymore, that count our days “since”, that forever will count all days of importance as “since” and all I can offer are my pitiful words that bring no real solace, words that just let you know I care, I feel and I know. Love my friend and hugs (((xx)))

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    1. Thank you so much for your words of advice and kindness. I read your pain and that is EXACTLY how I felt!! I feel very isolated in my grief. This is why I continue to blog. My fellow bloggers either understand (like you) and others are able to ignore my cries and sadness. But this is the place where I am able to talk about my child! Her name is not avoided…her memories and cherished and honoured. Thank you for your advice and friendship. Lots of love and hugs from one grieving mother to another…

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      1. It is hard to stay strong but please take the time to break down once in a while and cleanse with tears and take care of your physical health. I became so depressed the first year I didn’t care about taking care of me physically and my health suffered and still is so please stay strong but take care of you too. Love and hugs (((xx)))

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