I am alive


Vic and my eldest UK grandchild in 2010

I am having a wonderful visit in England with my UK grandchildren and kids.  The house is filled with the patter of little feet and shrieks of laughter and despair.  Toys lie scattered on the floor and little arms and legs curl around their Oumie.  It is a happy home, and I am fresh meat…

“Oumie, please can we jump on the trampoline?”

I have spent two days jumping on a trampoline…Thank God it rained today!!!

I have been consumed with the feeling of “life” in the household.  Life, joy, movement…easy laughter and sibling rivalry. Everything that poor Vic never really experienced.

How desperately she wanted to live. How desperately she craved a normal life. How desperately she craved to LIVE! How desperately we wanted her to live.

We never have enough time. We always want more. Vic wanted more time. On the 24th of September, last year, when the Hospice doctor came in for Vic’s evaluation, Vic said “I thought I had more time…”  https://tersiaburger.com/2012/09/24/mommy-i-thought-i-had-more-time/

Six days before her death she cried and said she wanted to live. “If only I could live for another year…”

How little we know of what there is to know. I wish that I were going to live a long time instead of going to die today because I have learned much about life in these four days; more, I think than in all other time. I’d like to be an old man to really know. I wonder if you keep on learning or if there is only a certain amount each man can understand. I thought I knew so many things that I know nothing of. I wish there was more time.” –Ernest Hemingway.

I am wordless.

I know that I am still numb.

I am sad.

I am happy.

I am alive.

I wish I wasn’t…

I don’t want to ever leave my loved ones – as my child did not want to…..

Vic and the Girls
Vic and the Girls

Life is so unfair!!!!

27 thoughts on “I am alive

  1. Tersia, I get the sense that you would have traded your life for Vic’s (understandable) and that you even feel a bit guilty for the moments you do enjoy…Perhaps I’m wrong, but if not, I pray that God will show you that it’s ok to live and I know that that is what Vic would want for you too.

    On another note, a picture of you jumping on the trampoline would be awesome!

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    1. Me jumping on a trampoline is not a pretty sight!! You will have nightmares for weeks!!! I would have traded my life for Vic’s…It was part of my negotiations with God. I still would. I miss her so much Diana!

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      1. I know, I just can’t imagine.

        I have a little true story for you. The other day I was walking west down 17th Avenue to the bank. Around 10th street, I had a red light and stopped. A lady crossed my path, stopped briefly and looked straight at me and smiled before heading north across 17th Ave. Now I know you believe in angels and all, so I knew I had to tell you because she looked just like Vic and it was as if I was supposed to tell you.

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  2. I am happy that at least your are seeing these grandchildren. Small children seem to have healing qualities, too. What a wonderful Grandmother, to go on the trampoline with them.
    I claimed your lovely award.

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  3. Tersia I think Viv would want you to focus on the present and enjoy this special time with your UK family. Even though you will go on grieving for Vic allow yourself to create new happy memories with your grandchildren and bounce on that trampoline :)

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  4. These kids are GORGEOUS Tersia… Not too far away in age from Courtney and Chloe..x
    I found when I was suicidal with pain, when Courtney came along, she brought light to my dark, if you understand. She gave me meaning and purpose. And every day I wake up, there they are, or every day they jump on me (With the Dog now) and wake me up, it is impossible, even though they could break my leg and do hurt me, to not smile. As a few said above, Kids bring a happiness that lasts. I can paint. draw, do puzzles for hours, it helps with my pain and interacting with a 4 year old and Chloe who just turned 3 is such a blessing. Then there are times they argue over 1 shoe, Dawn’s shoe. I try not to laugh and explain sharing….

    Enjoy your stay in the UK…
    And life isn’t fair. You know if I could do anything I would. You know that T…
    Just look at what you are doing, building that centre, vic’s picture in the foundations.
    To me you are a Hero who I look up to so much for the way you are honest with your feelings.
    Sadly no words can help really. I can only say “I love you as a friend” and hope one day you can smile longer x

    Shaun x

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    1. What a kind and caring friend you are. You are truly amazing! I am considering closing my blog because I have people that read my blog and use my words against me. I am thinking of starting a new blog – anonymously and allowing people in by “invite only”. What do you think?

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      1. You can close your EXISTING blog and allow ONLY people you know in to read. Make your blog now private. If you want to know, get me on Facebook or Skype.. But do a blog about it first…Then people ask to get in to read, you then allow or deny.. Probably your best bet, as current followers and friends will ask..

        Sound ok?

        x

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      2. Also who would use “What words” against you? I don’t get how anyone could or would give you a hard time. You Oooze love and have a caring nature. Don’t get it x

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