I don’t want to forget


I don’t know whether I ever posted this.  I know that I was desperate to remember everything.  Today I know I did not write enough, I did not take enough photos, I did not spend enough time talking to my child.

So I don’t forget…

Lucinda commented today “Again, I can’t add anything on to what others have said; I don’t know how you have the courage to make these posts.”

I sometimes wonder why do I blog?  My whole being screams “so I won’t forget”.  I want to remember every day, every spoken word, every unspoken word, every feverish touch.  My friends have lifetimes ahead with their children…I don’t.  They have many more Christmases and birthdays to look forward to.  The chances are that their children will bury them… As a family we lived one day at a time.  We were grateful for every morning when we wake up!

We have friends who lost their 17 year old son almost 17 years ago.  I have not seen her in a couple of years.  When I last saw her she said that it does not become easier with time.  One just learns to cope with the pain and the loss.  My friend had to walk away from her son.  He was declared brain dead after a drunk driver drove into the car transporting him to a rugby match….

She said “I touched his big feet.  I lay my head on his chest and I could hear his heart beat …. I walked away and his body was warm…”  Steven’s heart beats on in another person’s chest.  They, generously in all their pain, donated his organs and saved the life of another mother’s child..

Joan never had the opportunity to say “goodbye forever” to Steven.  She said “Goodbye, have a good game.  Love you!”  Joan treasures the last hug, kiss, laugh… She holds onto it.

I want to hold onto every memory I possibly can.  As hard as it is, I write so I will remember everything. 

A lot of what I write I don’t post.  It is too raw.

I hold onto Vic’s last words to me…”I love you Mommy”.  I hold onto the memory of her beautiful smile, her brave battle, her devotion to her sons and family.  I hold onto the purity of her heart and the kindness in her heart.  I hold onto her gentle memories.

Never has the pain been as raw and the loss as real as now.  For a couple of weeks I arrogantly thought that a scab was forming over the pain.  Then it was cruelly plucked off.

In a weird way I am glad the scab was plucked off.  I am glad that I am feeling that intense pain again.  I am relieved that the tears are running over my cheeks blurring the words as I type.

I want to remember.  I don’t ever want to forget.  I want to remember my beautiful, precious angel child.

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Published by

tersiaburger

I am a sixty plenty wife, mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com

16 thoughts on “I don’t want to forget”

  5. oh tersia my heart is breaking for you, i know that you will never forget your beautiful angel and the gift she was/is to the world. i am with you in spirit and send warm loving hugs to you

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  6. You’ll never forget. She is a part of you and you are a part of her. You don’t get over it. I guess we just learn to live with it. but Tersia I know at some point the pain eases and kind of live side by side with the joy she brought you, the joy of having known her. She lives on in you!

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  7. You will never forget; that would be like forgetting to breathe. It won’t happen. But now what? We remember, and we hurt so much we think the only thing that will help is to be where they are. But we’re not and we have people who need us and before you know it, it’s going to be our turn.

    I’m so grateful for you, Tersia; I really am.

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  8. There is no possible way to forget as long as you are alive. I read journal pages I had written from those early days and find that those very emotions are always right beneath the surface….but there are stretches of time where the peace of God calms my racing heart. I wish I could be one to tell you that all the grief goes away at some point but I cannot. Life goes on in a new and perfect way just beyond the veil. Think of her there. xo

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