I posted this a year ago.

I still remember my precious child’s eyes.  Old, wise eyes filled with pain and fear.  I remember the unrelenting nausea and excruciating pain.  I remember my beautiful child’s desperate fight to live.

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I remember her holding my hand, her tears silently running down her cheeks… The fear in my heart that her suffering would never end.

Now I wish I could hold her one more time; wipe her precious tears away; whispering “I love you angel child”

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Hospice has just fitted a subcutaneous driver – again.   Vic’s pain has spiralled out of control over the past couple of days.

Vic was in absolute excruciating pain during the night.  She battled to breath.

“Help me Mommy!  I can’t stand the pain anymore…”

I lay next to her and put constant pressure on the area that hurt most.  It was just below her ribcage – liver.  “Oh Mommy, it is so sore.  Can you feel how sore it is?

As a little girl Vic used to believe that I could “feel” her pain…

“Feel how sore my toe is Mommy…”

As I lay there with my hand on her “sore” I wished with every fibre in my body that I could lay my hand on her sick body and soak up the pain and disease.  It cannot be so I look for a new spot on her bum to stick in a needle.

Vic seems calm now and the pain under control.  She is sleeping peacefully.  She has not vomited since this morning and managed to have a sandwich for lunch.

Please God let the subcutaneous driver work.  Please let the tissue hold up!   Please God!

I know that you are with me.  Feel my love Angel Child.  See my heart.  Know my heart.  Love you yesterday, today and forever.  Mommy

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