dead woman walking

My post of one year ago.  IMG_8510Reading through this post, retracing last year, I can only thank God my baby girl’s suffering is over.  Do I miss her?  With every fibre in my body.  At times I feel as if I am drowning in my grief.  At other times I am so grateful that my prayers were answered and that my little Angle now runs, free of pain, Last night I had a discussion with someone who Vic loves very dearly.  This friend of Vic has spent endless hours, days, weeks and months in hospital with Vic.  She is actually the only person that has truly travelled this horrific journey with us.  Vic has lived through many death sentences and reprieves.  Lee has been around for at least the past 7 years of Vic’s journey.  Lee has nursed Vic back to health many times and I know she cares deeply for her friend.

I discussed the various treatment options with her.  Do I insist on having a stent fitted or do I request feeding tubes?  Or do I go with Vic’s non-intervention wish?  But if I comply how do I bring calmness and peace in Vic’s life?  Vic is no exception to the rule…As Bella (the Minister) pointed out last night: even Jesus of NAZARETH feared death….Fearing death is as natural as breathing is to us.

Last night I decided no sedation.  If I allow sedation, which is against her wishes, I would silence Vic’s voice, her fears and her tears.

Dr Sue says the bleeding is from the abdomen.  Her Oesophagus, throat and mouth are covered in a mass of sores from all the vomiting.  Her breathing is shallow and her heart rate weak but very rapid.  Her blood pressure is dropping and her circulation is poor.  The liver is very enlarged.

We are past the point of no return.  Vicky is dying and only a miracle can save her.  There is no operation, no magic medication.  Nothing can save her.

Today I again witnessed her anguish and phenomenal will to live. 

I had a dream.  I saw Vic being escorted, in deadly silence, down a long dark passage.  Her family and friends were escorting her on her final walk into the chamber of death.  I clearly saw the fear in her eyes and I could feel her little body trembling with fear.  I heard a voice saying “Dead woman walking…”

I saw her walk into the Chamber of Death, being strapped down, and the needle being inserted into her little arm.  In my dream I was the head warden and my eyes were flitting between the clock and a telephone…Would there be another reprieve??

Then I woke.

It is so cruel.  For all of us.  Why do people linger?  Why don’t we all just go to sleep and never wake up?  Or die in a car accident?  Why this suffering???  I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  Life sucks!

Vic is on a mild sedation.  She is more calm and peaceful than she has been for a couple of weeks.  She woke up this evening and had dinner…half a hamburger!!  My little take-away queen!! She only vomited at 11.30 pm so she managed to actually keep down the food.  She has passed no urine today.

She sobbed when I told her the boys had covered their school books…”I want to do it for them!”  She wailed

“I have let down my boys.  I always cover their books…”

The boys were in her room when Vic said “Oh Jared, look!  Oupa Tienie is standing behind you…”  It really spooked the boys.  Tienie, Vic’s biological father, died on the 5th of November 1999…

Her angels have come to fetch her.

I wish Vic was married.  I wish her biological father was still alive!  I wish the decision was not mine!!!

Tomorrow I will ask that the sedation be increased.  I will silence my child’s sweet voice.  I will also silence her tears and fears.

“Dead woman walking…”

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I am a sixty plenty wife, mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.

9 thoughts on “dead woman walking”

  1. I am so very sorry. Such anguish. So unfair!
    I have been reading quite a bit lately about Death Bed Visitations. Science is devoting a lot of attention to the dying process finally and death bed visits from deceased relatives are reported cross, cutures, countries, religions and age groups. Relatives visiting to help with the transition.
    This gives me some comfort and I hope maybe you.
    Please accept my care, concern and best wishes for you and your family. You were just an awesome mom and I admire you tremendously.


    1. Thank you Cindy. It did give me comfort at the time. I know when it is my time to pass Vic will be at my side guiding me. Thank you for your lovely words.


  2. What a beautiful and stirring post, even in its immense difficulty. The death journey is one none of us will escape, and it’s important to not act as if we will. I appreciate that you shared your heart and your grief but did not sensationalize the experience you all had. Thank you for trusting us with your story. Peace to you as you move towards the one-year mark.



  3. So raw and real. I remember this agonizing decision as a nurse counseling families regarding their loved ones and when I have had to make that decision personally for family members. Always difficult but as we see signs that more of their spirit is traveling away from us, we focus more on their comfort and peace…but we ALWAYS miss their voice!


  4. Bless her heart. I can see in her eyes she is suffering. And bless your heart. I can tell in your post you were suffering. Why must we suffer on this earth? I wish I knew. I wish I could stop it. I wish heaven was right here on this earth with us.


    1. I actually believe that what we are living is hell… I believe when we die we go straight to Heaven. Dying people almost always see angels just before they die.


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